2524: I Love You, Man: Adult Friendships by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. I Love You, Man. Adult Friendships by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com

[00:00:28] A common theme I tend to hear from clients has nothing to do with romantic relationships, but rather adult friendships. As I'm writing this, I immediately think of the movie I Love You, Man, starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. Although comical, the movie actually has a lot of truth to it. And while you may find yourself laughing your butt off, you may equally find yourself cringing at the idea of trying to make friends.

[00:00:53] If you haven't seen this hilarious movie, it's about a couple getting married and the groom, Paul Rudd, realizes he doesn't have any friends to fill up the slots of his groomsmen at his own wedding. The movie depicts his difficult yet humorous journey of finding a best man, Jason Segel, as an adult male. I love that this movie is funny and lighthearted, yet it truly displays the void we can feel when we aren't close with others outside of our romantic relationship as adults.

[00:01:21] It also shows the awkwardness of trying to make adult friendships with the fears and insecurities we face when attempting to go outside of our comfort zones to put ourselves out there. Trying to make friends as an adult is almost more daunting than finding a romantic partner. This may be because establishing adult friendships can feel more vulnerable, as our intentions can be misunderstood or more open to being criticized.

[00:01:46] The societal rules of how to pick up friends feel less obvious and can make us feel desperate. I think this topic of adult friendships is very relative and interesting, considering most of us have friends we grew up with and or have made friends with people we work with due to proximity and convenience. Many of us have a difficult time making deep connections with new friends and or even with current friends.

[00:02:10] And if we find ourselves wanting to build more connected adult companions, it can feel extremely overwhelming. As I mentioned earlier, I genuinely believe this is because it feels more vulnerable at times to attempt to make deeper connections with our current friends or try to make new friendships with new adults. I think this all boils down to our fear of judgment, as our intentions of establishing new friendships can be misunderstood, criticized, and shaming.

[00:02:39] I often hear my clients say, How lame am I trying to make friends as a 30-year-old? Everyone around me probably thinks I'm such a loser because they assume I don't already have friends. If we aren't new to the area or have a practical reason to be striking up conversation with the person next to us at the gym, we can be perceived as being just plain old weird. This is truly unfortunate, considering we could always benefit from making new connections and finding safety with another person.

[00:03:07] It truly could only help us continue to feel secure in ourselves, supported, and fulfilled in our own lives. As we adult and become more and more aware of who we are, it's important to find friendships that support our interests and establish connections with friends whom we feel we can rely on. Not all of us are lucky enough to have the same best friend as we did when we were children.

[00:03:30] And if you find yourself on that boat, there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to establish, build, and maintain new adult friendships. Although these tips on how to make adult friendships may seem cheesy, I do think it can be beneficial when attempting to step out into your next experience with intentions of wanting to make friends. Be open and willing. This can be as simple as being mindful of how often you don't smile at others around you when you're at the grocery store, gym, bar, class, etc.

[00:04:01] This may also mean being open and forward like introducing yourself. Hey, I'm blank. I noticed you're new to our class. Being approachable will help strangers, aka potential friends, feel more interested and safe engaging with you. Extend a friendly compliment. Everyone appreciates a genuine compliment.

[00:04:22] And if it's being received from someone who is sharing to display similar interests, rather than attempting to spark a romantic connection, it often feels less threatening or uncomfortable. For example, Nice beard, man. How long did it take you to grow? Or, I think you have great style. Where do you tend to shop? Ask them about themselves. As you develop adult friendships, it's important to ask them about what they're interested in, where they grew up, what they do for a living.

[00:04:51] If they feel you're being genuine and have something in common, your friendship will start to naturally evolve. Initiate, plan, and invite. Initiate friendships by giving them your phone number or adding them on social media to spark an easy and friendly invite. It's also important to find something interesting to invite them to. Because we aren't kids anymore, and going over to each other's houses to sit in front of the TV doesn't suffice, it's helpful to create friend dates and extend invites as much as possible.

[00:05:21] This is helpful to maintaining your new adult friendship, as well as serving as a platform to build your depth and fun in your new friendship. Be aware of expectations. As adults, we have hectic schedules and can't necessarily hang out with friends as often as we used to when we were in high school. So, don't overly stress or analyze if your new friend doesn't text as much as you or can't make it to your Sunday brunch. Be patient and enjoy your relationship as it comes.

[00:05:50] Don't let your insecurities take over. Be yourself, and know we all have insecurities. Wanting friendships as an adult is normal, and just because our society may feel closed off, doesn't mean you won't find a person who respects your efforts and personality. Be flexible. If your new friend interest isn't consistent, or you end up not having a lot in common after all, try not to be discouraged.

[00:06:16] Not everyone is going to be compatible or open to building a friendship, and it isn't something you should take personally. You just listened to the post titled, I Love You Man, Adult Friendships, by Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com This is a post I really love from Alicia. Thanks to her for letting us share it.

[00:06:39] There really is a lot to be said about continuing to cultivate friendships in spite of other things we have going on in our lives as we age. You know, friendships are such beautiful, non-transactional relationships. And, you know, feeling a sense of transaction can be hard to avoid when talking about family and romantic relationships. So, I'm really glad Alicia spoke to this today. Also glad she hinted at the value of making new friends, rather than only retaining old friends.

[00:07:08] Because, it really is amazing to see how we build relationships with people we're meeting at the same stage of life, and theoretically with similar values. Whereas, the friendships we have from our younger years are time-tested, but can often lack having things in common as adults, if that makes sense. I will also refer you guys to meetup.com, which to me is one of the best ways to meet like-minded people and make friends as an adult.

[00:07:35] They aren't a sponsor, but go ahead on their site, type in an activity that you like near your city, and you're likely to find a lot of groups that have the same interests as you, especially if you live in a highly populous area. Okay, that's it for me, everyone. I want to thank you for being here, as always, and I'm wishing you a great rest of your day. Be sure to come on back tomorrow, where we will be reading from some more great relationship content, and where your optimal life awaits. this is a whole week of public support, especially our people at 5 super衝el aquellos who are having lots of fun,