2525: Is the Bar Too Low on Being a Good Father by Evan Marc Katz on Parenting Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Is the Bar Too Low on Being a Good Father by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com A year ago, I wrote a piece about emotional labor called Why Married Women Get a Raw Deal. In it, I confessed I was as sensitive and available as my stay-at-home wife could have hoped for. And still, she works harder and has less free time than I do.

[00:00:27] The story wasn't really about me, but readers offered all sorts of constructive criticism for what I could do better to improve my wife's life. I took all of this into advisement, and today I'm proud to announce that everything has changed. My wife is now sleeping normal hours and is happier than ever. She has let go of her perfectionism, OCD, and inability to delegate, and has offloaded half of her housework to me and the kids.

[00:00:51] And even if we don't do things exactly her way, she's okay with it, because she knows it's not the end of the world. As a result, she has freed up a lot more time for personal care. In the end, this was a triumph of crowdsourcing, for without the input from the comments, I would have not had the knowledge or courage to insist against my wife's will that I take over 50% of the household duties while acting as the sole breadwinner.

[00:01:17] Just kidding. None of that happened. It was just a prelude to today's article, an opinion piece from the New York Times called What Good Dads Get Away With, brought to you by the same author who wrote, All the rage, mothers, fathers, and the myth of equal partnership. You can only imagine that men do not acquit themselves well in this. To be fair, I agree with what the author posits. Quote,

[00:01:43] Mothers still shoulder 65% of child care work. In academic journals, family researchers caution that the culture of fatherhood has changed more than father's actual behavior. Sociologists attribute the discrepancy between mothers' expectations and reality to a largely successful male resistance. This resistance is not being led by socially conservative men whose like-minded wives often explicitly agree to take the lead in the home.

[00:02:11] It is happening instead with relatively progressive couples, and it takes many women who thought their partners had made a prenatal commitment to equal parenting by surprise. Why are their partners failing to pitch in more? End quote. The couples offered three explanations for this labor imbalance. The first was that women take over activities like bedtime, homework, and laundry because men perform these tasks inadequately.

[00:02:38] But this isn't maternal gatekeeping, the theory that men want to help, but women disparage their capabilities and push them out. Instead, these seem to be situations that necessitate the intervention of a reasonable adult. The second explanation involved forgetting or obliviousness. A mother in Illinois said, Quote, My husband is a participatory and willing partner. He's not traditional in terms of I don't change diapers, but his attention is limited.

[00:03:07] She added, I can't trust him to do anything, to actually remember. End quote. A dad in San Francisco said that many of the tasks of parenting weren't important enough to remember. Quote, Quote, I just don't think these things are worth attending to. A certain percentage of parental involvement that my wife does, I would see as valuable but unnecessary. A lot of disparity in our participation is that. End quote.

[00:03:34] Finally, some men blamed their wives' personalities. A San Diego dad said his wife did more because she was so uptight. Quote, Quote, She wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a list. I don't keep lists. I think there's a belief that if she's not going to do it, then it won't get done. End quote. His wife agreed that this was true, but emphasized that her belief was based on experience. She said, Quote,

[00:04:05] Like most issues where there is a reasonable debate, I would say that this is a both-and rather than an either-or question. Couldn't it be that a lot of self-proclaimed egalitarian men take a passive role in domestic chores because they either assume or hope their wives will take on the lion's share? Absolutely.

[00:04:25] But, unless you're completely discounting the opinion of men, I don't know how you can ignore the three explanations above, which unfortunately also apply to my marriage. It's a vicious cycle. I pay the bills. My wife takes care of the home and the kids. As a result, she knows everything and is on top of everything. That means she has lists on top of lists.

[00:04:48] It means that she knows more about the house and kids than I do, cares about doing things in a specific way more than I do, and she has a hard time delegating because she's the only person who is an expert in our household. If I tried to delegate my job to her, it would be similarly difficult. Factor in that my wife is admittedly a procrastinator, a pleasure seeker, and extremely detail-oriented, pulling three straight all-nighters to pack for a trip, for example.

[00:05:14] And, well, it paints more of a two-sided picture as to how my marriage falls directly into this pernicious stereotype. Like political problems, I don't claim to have the answer, but I know the problem isn't solved by demonizing one side and ignoring its feelings. Men do need to understand their wives, empathize with their plights, and offer to do more where possible.

[00:05:37] It would also seem that women, if they want the help of their husbands, could stand to let go of some of the quality control, since it's perfectly fair for him to not care as much about some of the details as you are. Between taking 90 minutes to get out of the hotel and remember to bring a change of clothes, baby wipes, three different kinds of sunscreen, a light jacket, band-aids, and a variety of snacks and reading materials, my wife's method,

[00:06:03] and throwing on clothes and getting out of the hotel room in 20 minutes, my method, there has to be a happy medium, no? You just listened to the post titled, Is the Bar Too Low on Being a Good Father? by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com. A really good article from Evan here, one that is sure to spark some debate in his comment section.

[00:06:30] Though, if there's one thing from his work here that should be taken as a universal truth, it's that while the answer is hard to find, it certainly does not come from demonizing the other party. So, how can we try to understand both the wives and husbands a little better? Well, I think another point that Evan could have really used to solidify his argument is the narratives that men and women carry with them throughout their lives.

[00:06:57] This obviously doesn't encompass all men and all women, but it's extremely common for women to grow up wanting to be mothers and men wanting to grow up to be heroes who get the job done. Whether or not it's healthy for these desires to be so common, they're common nonetheless. Therefore, it's not terribly shocking that men and women would grow up to take enough pride in their respective roles they've seen for themselves that they'd want extra control over them.

[00:07:25] A woman has envisioned her motherhood forever, become attached to the idea of succeeding at it, so she'll be extra weary of interference even from a trusted partner. It makes sense. A man wants to be a hero, a hard worker. He may see time and energy being taken away from that goal if he were to spend an extra hour plus getting stuff ready to exit a hotel room. No, he'd rather be efficient with his time so he can spend as much of it as possible providing for his family.

[00:07:53] Again, these are generalizations, but they are narratives that have run true for many in our society since the beginning of time. Surely we'd want to hold on to these ideas in ways we might not mean to. And that will do it for today, everyone. Thanks a lot for being here and joining me today. I really enjoyed this episode, if you can tell. Definitely one of my favorite posts from Evan so far, and a great way to start off the parenting leg of this week.

[00:08:18] So if you enjoyed this, come on back tomorrow for more, where your optimal life awaits.