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Episode 2526:
Watching children grow into adulthood is both heartwarming and bittersweet. Shantel Patu beautifully captures the rollercoaster of emotions that come with parenting adult children, reminiscing on their childhood while embracing their independence. With humor and deep reflection, she reminds parents that while the job is never truly done, the greatest reward is witnessing the seeds of love and guidance bloom into thoughtful, capable adults.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-joys-and-tears-of-parenting-my-adult-children/
Quotes to ponder:
“Raising a child seems to be a lifetime psychological and physiological commitment that I signed in blood, the day she was born.”
“We, the parents, have so many roles that we didn’t know we were signing up for. So much was left out of the job description.”
“That’s what parenting adult children is all about, learning to watch them figure it out, and of course, waiting in the wings to swoop down like the superheroes that we are.”
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[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Joys and Tears of Parenting My Adult Children by Shantel Patu of Gottman.com I'm enjoying watching my children grow into adults that I can be proud of. I watched as she stormed into the house. Peril. Sheer peril, if you let her tell it.
[00:00:20] She hadn't noticed me reading quietly in the corner, so she went about slamming cabinets and drawers, and then finally ending her assault on the kitchen by opening and staring into the fridge. I heard her mumble something about hating her job, her co-workers, her commute, and of course her meager paycheck that she waited for each week. She was... adorable.
[00:00:43] I peered over my book and examined her. She was considered an average-sized person, about 5'7", which was a giant to my 5'1 frame. She had these amazing almond-shaped bright brown eyes, which she was constantly complaining about the size and the color of, but to me and her father, they were gorgeous. I looked at this amazing person that I had created, and the thing that stood out to me, besides her poked-out lip, was that she was now an adult.
[00:01:12] She looked over as if noticing me for the first time and asked, What are you looking at, Mom? I couldn't help but smile. All she needed to do next was stomp her left foot, and as if on command, she did. I chuckled as she morphed into my little girl. Nothing, nothing, I managed to say. My adult daughter was now a 20-year-old college student. She drove herself everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
[00:01:39] She bought her own food and was renting a small room from her best friend. She was, by all accounts, an adult. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but to still see her as my little girl. Raising a child seems to be a lifetime psychological and physiological commitment that I signed in blood the day she was born. I had no idea there would be so much obligation, and yet I've gleefully devoted my life to this being.
[00:02:06] The ups and downs of parenting are definitely a challenge, but just wait until you get a load of the young adult shenanigans you get to parent through next. Parenting has taught me and my husband a lot about ourselves, our relationship, and even about our ever-changing co-parenting styles. I remember when we first delved into the theatrical account of The Misadventures in Parenting, starring us.
[00:02:31] Our co-stars were two girls and two boys, and we weren't given to script, just pure improv. Our life featured an ambient abstract of do's and don'ts, as we narrated through the whimsical and slightly wild adaptation of our own version of This Is Us, not yet rated. Over time, we discovered that our children were complex beings, and that parenting is kind of like bartending.
[00:02:56] You add a lot of this, a bit of that, a touch of this, and eventually you find yourself drunk on the specialty of each of their individual brands. I can remember having to learn to understand my five-year-old son's love language and his different personality vices, while woefully enjoying my eleven-year-old's newfound independence. It was an oxymoron of joys and tears. I can also remember saying prayers with my four-year-old, then explaining God to my six-year-old,
[00:03:25] while my eight-year-old listened and somehow empathized with Satan and felt he got a bad rap for getting kicked out of heaven, saying, it's too bad for him, Mama, he doesn't even say his prayers anymore. We, the parents, have so many roles that we didn't know we were signing up for. So much was left out of the job description, and to do this job, with all of its expectations, we weren't even given an IKEA-style instruction booklet.
[00:03:52] I have had to be a janitor and a maid, neither of which offers pay or benefits. Oftentimes, I was called upon to be a nurse, a surgeon, I am magical with tweezers, and my favorite, a therapist. Parents always need an open ear or two, one for listening to a variety of woes, and the other for listening out for a variety of mischief. We've been cheerleaders, pep squads, coaches and teachers.
[00:04:19] We've shown great prowess as a lawyer, judge, jury, and sometimes even the proverbial executioner, metaphorically speaking, of course. There were also the joyful titles of superhero and goat, greatest parent of all time. Yet, with all of these moving parts of parenting, they somehow missed including any of it in the birthing orientation. I find that I'm really enjoying watching my children grow into adults that I can be proud of.
[00:04:46] I don't even mind the new roles of ATM, auto mechanic, co-signer, organizer, and their forever therapist. Janitor and maid still somehow keep being requested. As parents, we are hard on ourselves, and even harder on our parenting. But in the end, all we can really only hope for is that our children become thoughtful, caring, and loving adults. Everything else is up to them to figure out. That's what parenting adult children is all about.
[00:05:15] Learning to watch them figure it out, and of course, waiting in the wings to swoop down like the superheroes that we are. And I see that now. So, regardless of how daunting the tasks, time, and commitment of parenting may seem, we do it to the best of our abilities, and with little acknowledgement or appreciation for our sacrifices. Our hopes and dreams lie simply in seeds we planted in their little hearts to grow. And then it happens. They finally grow up.
[00:05:44] And hopefully, they are able to leave our loving arms and search for the means to wrap their loving arms around someone else and become parents themselves. You just listened to the post titled, The Joys and Tears of Parenting My Adult Children, by Chantelle Patu of Gottman.com. And what a meaningful piece from Chantelle today.
[00:06:09] You know, one of the best parts of Optimal Relationships Daily is that we get to look at research a lot, and sort of quantify and measure relationships, which can be incredibly hard to do elsewhere. And sometimes lost in the fray of all this information is the pure glory and the love that can't really be counted. That's why I'm really thankful for Chantelle's work today, as she's really provided, I don't know, the heart and spirit of relationships.
[00:06:36] How unpredictable they are, how little we often understand them, and how critical it is to sit back and enjoy them. So, I hope that this post did that for you, whether you're a parent or not. And I hope it helps you to step back from the noise or whatever tensions you may be experiencing in your strongest relationships right now, and just admire them and kind of bask in how far they've come and what they mean to you. We're getting sappy today. We're getting sappy. So, before I shed a tear of my own, I will let you all go.
[00:07:06] Thanks for joining me today for this really touching article, and be sure to come on back tomorrow for another episode that also might surprise you a little bit. I'll leave it at that. That's where your optimal life awaits. Thank you.