2532: 10 Ways To Survive Your Childhood Now That You're An Adult by Ira Israel

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 10 Ways To Survive Your Childhood Now That Youre An Adult by Ira Israel of IraIsrael.com Quote, People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it.

[00:00:28] The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past. End quote. That's by Milan Kundera. Quote, If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family. End quote. That's by Ram Dass. Every adult wants to live a version of what he or she imagines is the good life. However, our versions of the good life are not only culturally contingent, but also typically intense amalgams of reactions to the good life.

[00:01:01] The most important thing is to be able to live a better life. As a psychotherapist, I've observed that many people of my generation have default voices in their heads that tell them that whatever they do will not be good enough. This hedonic treadmill manifests as phrases such as, I'll be happy if slash when, insert home, job, relationship, salary, vacation, automobile or accomplishment.

[00:01:23] The cause of these voices is the wounded child inside of us continually seeking the acceptance of the people who withheld love or loved us conditionally or in ways we did not understand when we were children. For as sentient beings, we primarily desire one thing above all, to be loved unconditionally.

[00:01:44] But we grew up in a highly competitive society that provided us with tools to gain love conditionally because we're talented, good looking, go to good schools, get good grades, write well, speak well, earn boatloads of money, take vacations in the coolest places, etc. As children, we created false selves, facades, personas, in order to try to obtain the acceptance, approval and love we craved.

[00:02:12] However, any acceptance, approval and love that we receive now as adults based on our facades, not on our inner and usually somewhat messy authentic selves, is ultimately unsatisfying. Many people have become so identified with their facades that they no longer know who they are, other than what it says on their business cards, resumes, Facebook or LinkedIn homepages, Instagram and Twitter accounts, or in Google searches of them.

[00:02:40] Some younger people even judge or score their lives on a daily basis by the quantity of social media followers they have. One of the wonderful things about the mindfulness movement is that people learn to observe their thoughts without identifying with them. And once we take the first steps on the path to awakening, we notice that the following 10 characteristics we developed in order to survive our childhoods may now be hindering us as adults from getting the love we really want. Number 10.

[00:03:09] We learn to create drama. Drama functions like fire to a petri dish, allowing us to distill our pure emotions. But drama also pushes people away. So now we need to learn how to express ourselves authentically and compassionately. Read John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, if you think it might be time to improve your languaging. Number 9.

[00:03:37] Even before we learn to speak, we developed attachment styles or ways of connecting to others, secure, avoidant, anxious, disorganized, and unfortunately for most of us who do not attach securely, those attachment styles affect our current relationships. For example, if we attach securely to people and someone does not return a text or email, we don't think much of it. However, if we attach insecurely to people and someone does not return a text or email,

[00:04:07] our minds become suspicious and make assumptions about the person and the relationship that may or may not correspond to reality. Number 8. Every culture has a list of transgressions. Murder, assault, theft, as well as a gray area of remissions. Remissions are used to blow off steam, lest the pot boil over and transgress its lid. Our culture's remissions include alcohol, tobacco, sugar, salt, sport shopping, television, movies,

[00:04:37] violent sports, both playing and watching, video games. You get the picture. Be mindful of your remissions. Do not let them become addictions. Number 7. Forgive everyone unequivocally. Unforgiveness manifests as resentment, wanting things you cannot change to be other than the way they transpired. Resentment is like poking yourself in the eye and waiting for the other person to go blind. You're only causing your own continued suffering when you do not accept,

[00:05:07] nay, embrace, every moment of your life and who you are today. Own your life. Number 6. That said, good fences make good neighbors. Forgiving people does not mean we need to include them in our lives. We have the right to exclude toxic relationships from our lives. Number 5. If you've ever attended one of my workshops, you know that I teach an array of tools scientifically proven to keep people at the high ends of their happiness spectrums.

[00:05:36] Our best bet for happiness is to cultivate authentic, loving, intimate relationships. The best way to attract those relationships is to learn how to communicate authentically and compassionately. Number 4. When we have the choice of having an experience, learning something new, expanding our horizons, or buying a material possession, know that experience always trumps material possessions.

[00:06:01] On our deathbeds, we will remember strolling the streets of Paris, but we will not remember any baubles, trinkets, or anything else we ever bought. Number 3. We must know that we need to fuel our bodies and keep these machines running at their optimum levels. Proper sleep, proper food, proper amounts of interaction, and proper amounts of solitude and peace slash calm are needed to operate at peak potential.

[00:06:26] Many people eat or sleep for emotional or psychological reasons, or keep themselves pumped up on caffeine and sugar all day, and then wonder why it's so difficult to sleep at night. Obviously, eating or sleeping or avoiding either, for emotional or psychological reasons, is unhealthy. Number 2. We must know what creative outlets feed our spirits, our souls, our higher selves. For atheists, I use mystery. Do you love playing or listening to music?

[00:06:56] Do you love painting or admiring great artworks? Do you love nature and feeling united with the earth? Do you love the water and feel at home swimming? Everyone has something that nourishes his or her inner or higher self. Looking at the Grand Canyon, preparing a sumptuous meal, running a marathon, writing a song, writing a book, etc. It is our responsibility to know what feeds our spirits. As Joseph Campbell said, follow your bliss.

[00:07:26] And number 1. The glass is either half empty or half full, or overflowing. It all depends on your perception, and it is within our power to reframe our perceptions. Thus, it is never too late to have a happy childhood. Anything your mind tells you should have been different about something in the past, something you cannot change, is an absurd waste of time. Instead, choose to think that you are supposed to be who you are today.

[00:07:53] Your childhood made you everything that you are, and now we can decide which tools, such as gratitude, loving relationships, helping others, healthy living, etc., bode most favorably for living our adult versions of the good life. You just listened to the post titled, 10 Ways to Survive Your Childhood Now That You're an Adult, by Ira Israel of IraIsrael.com

[00:08:21] And many thanks to Ira for that really important post today. Very thankful to have been able to share it. I worry sometimes that those who aren't familiar with therapy or psychology might find the everything-goes-back-to-your-childhood notion to maybe be overused or oversimplified, but it is really a critically important thing to examine. So, I want you to sit with this post, and I encourage you to take some time to self-reflect on anything that might be troubling you right now.

[00:08:51] Without judgment, or without trying to defend your point, in the privacy of your own thoughts, or maybe in your own journal, reflect on some of your earliest memories regarding these troublesome areas of life. What are the stories you've always been told? How did your attachment models, your parents or your guardians, approach these subjects? And is it possible that the version of yourself you're trying to be was maybe the only thing they would have accepted or shown love to?

[00:09:17] We are always in fierce pursuit of what has been familiar to us from an early age, even if that leads to destructive behavior. So, the more you can reflect on this, challenge your thinking, and establish new healthy patterns, the better. Okay, that's it for me, everyone. Thanks a lot for being here and listening with me. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I hope you come back tomorrow as we start our parenting leg of the week. That's where your optimal life awaits.