2533: [Part 1] Do This, Not That: 10 Alternatives to Yelling by Jen of This Time of Mine on Calm Parent Advice

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Do This, Not That, 10 Alternatives to Yelling, Part 1 by Jen of ThisTimeOfMine.com

[00:00:29] Has this ever happened to you? It's time to go somewhere. So you walk into a room where your child is playing and say something like, Hey sweetheart, can you get your shoes on? In your nicest voice. Nothing happens, of course. So you patiently try again. Can you get your shoes on? Followed by, Really, it's time to get your shoes on. Get your shoes on. Get your shoes on.

[00:00:55] Get your shoes on. Only to have your confused child look up at you and say something like, Jeez, Mom, why do you always yell? Facepalm. Chances are, if you have little people living under your roof, then you've experienced situations just like this, likely more than you can count. Just know that you are not alone. We've all been there. I know I certainly have. My child only listens when I yell.

[00:01:23] When it came to getting my kids to listen, I used to feel that I was deficient. I mean, why could other moms get by without yelling? What was wrong with me? And then I saw a hilarious YouTube clip that portrays the exact scenario I just mentioned. And then it hit me. I'm not crazy. It's not just me. I'm not the only one who asks nicely only to get ignored until I yell. And what was making things worse was the fact that I would say things like,

[00:01:52] No one ever listens until I yell, out loud to my kids all the time. Unfortunately, this didn't instill the remorse and change I naively hoped for. All it did was reinforce their habit. My kids came to understand and expect that no one really had to get moving until Mom lost it. Well, I didn't want my kids growing up only remembering me as the crazy lady who yelled all the time. So I knew I had to figure something out.

[00:02:20] I needed to find some yelling alternatives. Why doesn't yelling work? Well, to be honest, when we yell, our kids simply learn to tune us out. Of course, yelling has negative effects on our children's development. But the main point I want to drive home in this post is that it simply doesn't work. Not long term, anyway. The more we yell, the more our kids get used to it. They learn to adapt and we become invisible until we go absolutely crazy, that is.

[00:02:49] And the worst part is, they can even get used to our tantrums. Meaning each subsequent explosion has to be bigger than the last just to get their attention. And that's the start of a vicious cycle none of us want. So, what's the alternative? How can we actually get our kids to listen so we stop yelling at them? While there's no guarantee that we won't ever lose our temper, it helps to have a few strategies and yelling alternatives to break the yelling cycle.

[00:03:18] Getting Kids to Listen. 10 Alternatives to Yelling When I'm mad, it's hard to come up with rational solutions on the spot. That's why I love having clear and simple reminders to fall back on when I can't think. So, when formatting this list, I decided to start with the don't first, to make it easier to recognize the common trigger behaviors we experience. By pointing them out, we can better understand why our kids aren't listening,

[00:03:44] so we can meet our kids in the middle instead and work toward better outcomes. Number one, don't repeat. Mix things up instead. Don't say the same thing the same way more than once. Change your phrasing, tone of voice, body language, speed, or volume. But by volume, I mean get quieter. If your kids aren't listening, did you know you can trick them into paying closer attention by talking softer than you usually do?

[00:04:11] You could even get more creative by changing your voice into something silly. Doing things differently or using humor can be a great way to get their attention. Number two, don't overcomplicate. Keep it simple. If you say something like, put your toy away, it's time to go upstairs, get your shoes on, brush your hair, and go to the bathroom, meet me by the door in five minutes, the only thing your kids will take from that is, I have five more minutes to play.

[00:04:39] Whenever possible, give only one to two instructions at a time. I still have to remember this with my 10-year-old. Kids need short, clear directions. They're more likely to listen when given instructions in phases. Bonus tip, when it's almost time to wrap up an activity, playing, screen time, bath, friends, etc., give a two to five minute warning. This will prepare them, making them more likely to listen when it's time to be done.

[00:05:08] Number three, don't command. Invite. Rather than saying, you need to clean up your toys, you could say, let's clean up our toys, or can you help me clean up these toys? The next time you ask your kids to do something, try replacing pronouns like you and your with pronouns like us and ours. You could even invite them to do things by turning the instructions into questions.

[00:05:34] Simple changes like these make our approach less threatening and can lessen our kids' desire to resist. To be continued. You just listened to part one of the post titled, Do This, Not That. 10 Alternatives to Yelling by Jen of thistimeofmine.com And you gotta love this start from Jen. We're only three steps in out of ten. But what I'm loving is that

[00:06:04] this piece is shaping up to not only be about theory and mindset, but also about practicality and concrete instructions. She's really helping us to deliver a presentation and strong rhetoric, which can be incredibly grounding when we might be in a heated moment with one of our children and quickly losing our cool. When it's tough to change our thoughts, we can at least change our delivery. It takes a lot less effort, and doing so can recenter us

[00:06:32] and surely harvest new, healthier thoughts as a byproduct. So, there's a lot to be excited about already, and even more to look forward to in the follow-up post tomorrow, everyone. Be sure to come on back for that one. Again, it'll be tomorrow in the Friday show. I hope to see you there, where your optimal life awaits.