2542: How to Parent an Anxious Child AND How to Discipline a Teenager Who Makes Bad Decisions both by Dr. Laura Dabney

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Parent an Anxious Child by Dr. Laura Dabney of drldabney.com.

[00:00:29] Parenting is somewhere between, no don't do that, and, oh what the heck. This is actually very accurate. Being a parent can be tricky sometimes because with every child we experience something different. So how do you parent a child who is anxious?

[00:00:46] It's important to find the spot where the child feels you care, but you are also going to let the child have a say in the problem. It's important to know that you cannot control your child, especially as they age. You won't want to control them, because they have developing minds and it's important for them to be able to sense when something is wrong and what to do about it. The key is, you only control yourself. Authoritarian Parents

[00:01:14] Authoritarian parents will have to learn how to stop worrying about controlling their child, because it is not possible and not necessary. You don't have to fear losing them if you step back. They'll respect you more and be more likely to move towards you to join you as peers. Peers are what they become when they get older. Permissive Parents Permissive parents do not have to worry about being the child's friend or if they like you or not.

[00:01:42] The much more important role is being able to spot when they are off course and how to get them back on track. They'll grow to like you in the long run and, of course, love you for doing that. The Anxious Child The anxious child is the child who feels like they can't do something even when you know they can, but somewhere along the lines, they feel they can't. When your child feels anxious about doing something, that is your cue to step in.

[00:02:11] The first clue is for you to realize you have an emotion within you, such as hurt, anger, or upset about something your child is doing. That's a clue that it's time to step in. The second clue is if your child has prolonged negative emotions. It's time to step in. The third clue is if your child isn't developing as they should, such as starting to do homework alone, have an active social life with close friends, and balance it fairly well. It's time to step in.

[00:02:40] How to parent the anxious child If you see your child falling behind in any of those areas, it's time to step in. The anxious child is often one of the kids who gets left behind, often in social situations. When the child is too anxious to go out and do normal socializing that preteens or teens do, as the parent, you'll want to step in. This doesn't mean taking over or giving them a pass. It means having a conversation with them and expressing your concern.

[00:03:10] For example, I'm concerned about your inability to have a normal, active social life, and I'd like to hear your viewpoint on that. Always start with their viewpoint. This will get them thinking. Remember, they have developing brains, and they need to work, so exercise them. Telling them what to do isn't exercising their brain. When you're not around, you want them to be able to think things through.

[00:03:36] The key is to express your concern and invite them into a discussion about how to fix it. After some time has passed, I recommend going back and talking about whether it was fixed or not. Think about the self-esteem this child has. If they joined you in a plan, carried out the plan, and you express how pleased you are with their development. That's where they get self-esteem. Not from obeying your orders or by not stepping in to help them and leaving them behind.

[00:04:03] Your child gets self-esteem from facing a problem, figuring it out, and solving it. Please don't rob your child of that. Authoritarian and permissive parents are robbing their children of their self-esteem by figuring it out for them or not stepping in. Plus, it's a bonding experience for you both. How to discipline a teenager who makes bad decisions by Dr. Laura Dabney of drldabney.com

[00:04:34] How do you parent a child who keeps making bad decisions? Let's break it down by the three most popular parenting styles. Authoritarian vs. Authoritative vs. Permissive Authoritarian Parenting An authoritarian parent would most likely handle this behavior by continuing to make the decisions for their child. They tell the child what decisions to make, push the child to make those decisions, and punish the child if they don't. The problem?

[00:05:03] The child will start being very resentful, irritated, and moody about the fact that they don't have a say. If children feel they don't have a say, eventually the child will start defying the parent. Permissive Parenting The permissive parent will ignore the behavior, not say anything, make excuses, or step back and let the child fumble around. The problem? A child who fumbles around is not a happy child.

[00:05:30] The child most likely has feelings about making bad decisions just as the parent does. If the parent is letting the child sit with those feelings and not helping them to figure out how to get back on track, the child will be resentful that the parent is too distant. How to discipline a teenager for making bad decisions. The sweet spot is between stepping in and pulling back. How does this look for a child who makes bad decisions? Inviting your child to the table is going to be a key component.

[00:06:00] Not taking over and not disappearing, but talking to the kid and having an open conversation about their behavior and decisions. If the child does not want to talk, you may have to word it differently. Such as, Look, this decision you made is something that didn't work for me. If your child doesn't think it's a problem, just simply say, It didn't work for me, and here's why. How to come up with a solution. It's important to be honest about your feelings.

[00:06:29] This part is skipped by both the authoritarian and permissive parents. They do not say how the behavior impacts them, which is the key piece to showing up. Be caring. Be interested in what is going on with the child. Ask all of the questions. Make sure to express that you are interested in the child's viewpoint. Most likely, you will not get the same answers you want to hear, or that you think are reasonable, rational, or normal. That's not the point.

[00:06:57] This is where a lot of parents get off track and start arguing about the child's answers. Arguing about their answers just shows you don't respect what they're saying. Be respectful. Be respectful of their differences, because they are different people. They're not going to think like you, and that's okay. The key is to say, given your viewpoint and my viewpoint, what are we going to do? Open up communication and figure out how to handle the situation together.

[00:07:26] This means listen to their ideas, or suggest a few but do not demand, and come up with a plan together. The child is much more likely to stick to the plan if you create it together. By doing it this way, you're much more likely to be respected. This is how you discipline a teenager who is making bad decisions. You just listened to the posts titled,

[00:07:51] How to Parent an Anxious Child and How to Discipline a Teenager Who Makes Bad Decisions. Both by Dr. Laura Dabney of drldabney.com. And a big thank you to Dr. Laura for these posts. Definitely getting a sense here for how the same roles we step into as parents can affect children and be better utilized by us, no matter what stage of development they're in or how they're struggling.

[00:08:15] Notice how the way Laura creates specific examples of how to address the children are not judgmental of their behavior or trying to fix it, but expressing concern and wanting to be on their side. This goes such a long way for making kids feel reassured that there's nothing wrong with them, and that we as parents are striking the balance between caution and freedom for them. Great work by Dr. Laura today. And that is going to do it for now, everyone.

[00:08:45] I am so glad you stopped in today and threw out the whole week here on ORD. And be sure to come back and do the same tomorrow where I will have another post for you. That's where your optimal life awaits. Thank you.