2546: The Things You Do for Me: How Your Partner’s Investments Make You More Committed by Dr. Samantha Joel of Luvze

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Things You Do for Me, How Your Partners Investments Make You More Committed by Dr. Samantha Joel of Luvze.com Imagine that you get a great job offer, complete with an excellent salary, flexible hours, and numerous promotion opportunities. The only problem is that this job offer is in a city far away from where you and your partner currently live.

[00:00:26] Thus, your partner has to choose whether or not to uproot for you, leaving her or his own job and friends behind, and starting over with you in this new city. What would be the consequences of your partner making this choice? In particular, beyond the consequences this would have for your partner, how would you feel about your partner making this sacrifice for you? People tend to invest a great deal into their romantic relationships. We put time, energy, and emotions into our relationships.

[00:00:55] We tie up our material possessions in our relationships. And we make sacrifices for our partners, both small and large. Past research has focused mostly on the consequences of these relationship investments for the self. How do my investments affect my feelings toward the relationship? Such research has converged on the idea that a more invested partner is a more committed partner.

[00:01:18] Once people have put a great deal into their relationships, they want to avoid wasting those investments, so they're more likely to continue to persevere with their relationships. However, we know little about what the consequences of a partner's investments might be for your own commitment. Beyond making your partner feel more committed, will your partner's investments also make you feel more committed to the relationship? My colleagues and I predicted that they would.

[00:01:44] Specifically, we hypothesized that people would feel more appreciative of romantic partners who are willing to put more resources into their relationships. In other words, a highly invested partner is a partner worth committing to. Overall, we expected that when people perceive that their partners have put a great deal into their relationships, those investments may lead them to feel more grateful for their partners, i.e. to value their partners more, thus motivating them to continue their relationships.

[00:02:12] We tested these hypotheses in the series of three studies. Study one was an online experiment conducted with participants currently in relationships. We randomly assigned some people to think about the various ways in which their partners had invested in their relationships, whereas we assigned others to think about all the ways in which they themselves had invested into the relationships. A third group of participants skipped this manipulation entirely. We then asked all participants a number of questions about their relationships,

[00:02:42] such as how appreciative they felt of their partners and how committed they felt to their partners. Participants who thought about their partners' investments subsequently felt the most committed to their relationships, even more committed than participants who had thought about their own investments. As predicted, thinking about the partners' investments made participants feel more grateful for their partners. These feelings of gratitude helped to explain why the participants who completed this exercise subsequently felt the most committed to their relationships.

[00:03:12] Study one demonstrated that thinking about a partner's investments leads to short-term boosts in gratitude, and commitment. But, how do these effects play out in people's day-to-day lives? For studies two and three, we tested this by recruiting people in relationships and asked them to report back to us daily, for either seven days, study two, or 14 days, study three, about how much their partners were investing in their relationships.

[00:03:38] For example, in study three, we asked participants if their partners had given anything up that day, for the sake of the relationship. We then followed up with participants either nine months later, study two, or three months later, study three, to see if their commitment to their relationships had changed. In both studies, when people thought that their partners were putting more into their relationships on a daily basis, their own commitment tended to increase over the course of the study.

[00:04:05] Feelings of gratitude explained this increase. Participants felt more grateful for highly invested partners, thus leading them to feel more committed to their relationships. Together, these studies show that when one partner invests time, energy, emotions, and other resources into the relationship, the other partner tends to appreciate that person more, and is subsequently more willing to stay in that relationship. Importantly, both gratitude and commitment are associated with positive relationship outcomes.

[00:04:35] So, one implication of this work is that investments can help relationships. They elicit all these positive relationship feelings that have benefits later on. Joint investments in particular, such as merging finances, moving in together, or getting married, may produce powerful boosts in relationship well-being by making both members of the couple feel more grateful for and committed to one another.

[00:04:59] On the other hand, the effects in all three of these studies extended even to participants who were less satisfied in their relationships. In other words, even people who were unhappy with their relationships felt more committed to those relationships if they felt their partners were more invested. Thus, investment decisions may be a double-edged sword in that, although they promote gratitude and commitment, they may also motivate people to persevere even with chronically unfulfilling relationships.

[00:05:29] So, as conventional wisdom would predict, upping the relationship ante by getting a pet or a house, a joint bank account, or even having a child together really may not be the best move for couples who are on the rocks. Such decisions may carry the risk of motivating people to stay in bad relationships not only because of their own investments, but because of their partner's investments as well. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:58] The Things You Do For Me, How Your Partner's Investments Make You More Committed, by Dr. Samantha Joel of loves.com. And another great informative post out of Loves. I always thoroughly enjoy their research. And I'm also glad they mentioned that caveat at the end about how great investments can also just perpetuate relationships that are shaky, rather than improving them. So, it sounds to me like these investments we might make amplify whatever state the relationship is in,

[00:06:27] driving more commitment to staying, whether it's good or bad. All the more reason to talk through big decisions with your partner. And remember that even what feel like grandiose gestures could be overbearing for the person you're with, certainly if they arrive unannounced. And sure, many of us know our partners well enough to accurately gauge what types of surprises are welcome and what might be too much. So, if that's you, you know, don't overthink your ability to make a decision that's good for the both of you.

[00:06:56] But when in doubt, big investments obviously affect the both of you tremendously and thus are good to talk through first and look for compromises if necessary. So, thanks again to Dr. Samantha and her research. And thanks to you as well for being here till the end and enjoying it with me. I hope this has been a good episode to start your week with. And I encourage you to come on back tomorrow where I'll have another post for you. That's where your optimal life awaits. And I'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.