2547: 4 Toxic Behaviors that Tear Couples Apart by Angel Chernoff of Marc And Angel on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 4 Toxic Behaviors that Tear Couples Apart by Angel Chernoff of MarcAndAngel.com Over the years, through our coaching practice and premium course, Marc and I have worked with thousands of individuals and couples looking to fix their failing relationships, and we've learned a lot about what it takes to make this happen.

[00:00:22] Whether you're working to fix your marriage, a dating relationship, or a friendship, there are lots of little things you can do to keep your relationships on track. And since we've recently covered many of these healthy relationship strategies, today I want to take a look at the flip side, the most common toxic behaviors that tear relationships apart.

[00:00:43] To start, I can honestly say that Marc and I can listen to a couple talk for 30 minutes, and determine with close to 90% accuracy whether their relationship will last in the long run without major changes being made. The reason we can do this is simple. Most failing or failed relationships suffer from the same four basic behavioral issues. Condemnation of a person's character.

[00:01:10] Complaints are fine. Disagreements are fine, too. These are natural, focused reactions to a person's decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements snowball into global attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example, they didn't call me when they said they would, not because they forgot, but because they're a horrible, wretched human being. Hateful Gestures

[00:01:35] Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate, and it is virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem when the other person is constantly getting the message that you hate them. Denying Responsibility When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you're really doing is blaming your partner.

[00:02:05] You're saying, in effect, the problem is never me, it's always you. This denial of responsibility just escalates the argument because there's a complete breakdown of communication. The Silent Treatment Tuning Out Tuning Out Ignoring Ignoring Disengaging Refusing to Acknowledge, etc. All variations of the Silent Treatment don't just remove the other person from the argument you're having with them. It ends up removing them emotionally from the relationship you have with them.

[00:02:33] The key to remember is, differences of opinion, even major ones, don't destroy relationships. It's how a couple deals with their inevitable differences that counts. Couples waste years trying to change each other's mind. But this can't always be done. Because many of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of opinion, personality, or values.

[00:02:56] By fighting over these deep-seated differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship into the ground. So, how do people in healthy relationships deal with issues that can't be resolved? They accept one another as is. These couples understand that problems are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, in the same way chronic physical difficulties are inevitable as we grow older and wiser. These problems are like a weak knee or a bad back.

[00:03:25] We may not want these problems, but we're able to cope with them, to avoid situations that irritate them, and to develop strategies that help us deal with them. Psychologist Dan Weil said it best in his book, After the Honeymoon, Quote, When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next 10, 20, or 50 years. End quote. Bottom line,

[00:03:54] acceptance of one another is of vital importance to every couple. What else makes a relationship flourish in the long run? Again, Mark and I have written a lot about this already, but I want to give you a slightly different perspective by eliminating the details and narrowing it down to four key fundamentals. Truly knowing each other is vital. Healthy couples are intimately familiar with each other's evolving stories. These couples make plenty of emotional room for their relationship,

[00:04:22] which means they sincerely listen to each other, they remember the major events each other have been through, and they keep up to date as the facts and feelings of their partner's reality changes. The key thing to remember is that nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention, your full presence. Being with your partner, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event, is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to them,

[00:04:50] and it arms you with the information you need to truly know them and support them in the long run. Relationship issues must be worked out with each other, not others. This may seem obvious, but these days it's worth mentioning. Never post negatively about a loved one on social media. 14-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on social media. It's a catty way to get attention and vent,

[00:05:16] when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right. Don't fall into the trap of getting others on your side, because healthy relationships only have one side. Furthermore, relationships don't always make sense, especially from the outside. So don't let outsiders run your relationship for you. If you're having a relationship issue with your partner, work it out with them and no one else.

[00:05:43] Using positive language in arguments saves lots of grief. Relationships flourish when both people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts in a positive way. One effective method of doing this during an argument is to do your best to avoid using the word you, and to try to use the word I instead. This makes it much easier to express feelings, and much harder to inadvertently attack the other person. So, instead of saying, you are wrong, try saying,

[00:06:13] I don't understand. Instead of telling them, you always, try saying, I often feel. It's a subtle shift that can make a big difference. A mutual willingness to make sacrifices must be present. Intimate bonds are tied with true love, and true love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort, and being able to care about someone and sacrifice for them continuously in countless petty little unsexy ways every day.

[00:06:43] You put your arms around them and love them regardless, even when they're not very lovable. And of course they do the same for you. If you want to know what a healthy relationship is, it's the one where two people wake up every morning and say, this is worth it. You all are worth it. I am happy you are in my life. It's about sacrifice. It's about knowing that some days you will have to do things you dislike to make the one you love smile, and feeling perfectly delighted to do so.

[00:07:13] Afterthoughts The best relationships are not just about the good times you share. They're also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say I love you in the end. And loving someone isn't just about saying it every day. It's showing it every day through your actions and behaviors. You just listened to the post titled, Four Toxic Behaviors That Tear Couples Apart, by Angel Chernoff of MarkAndAngel.com.

[00:07:44] And thanks a lot to Angel for this one. An important post, chock full of reminders that Disney romance usually exists only in Disney. I've talked about this before, but when it comes to relationships, or any big endeavors in life, we can always expect obstacles, and thus are the most empowered not when we scramble to try to avoid them altogether, but when we choose from the get-go which types of struggles we're willing to have and sacrifice for.

[00:08:11] I think this can be very useful if you're single and looking, but this is also an option you have at any point during a relationship too. Some new struggles will come up between you and your partner, and some old ones will go away. They're always in flux. What you always do have, however, is the option to sit down and re-evaluate the opportunity cost, if you will. Are these struggles that I'm willing to accept, or would I prefer another struggle? Maybe the pain of being single and looking again.

[00:08:40] As the spectrum of struggles evolves, so too does your level of feeling and attachment, and this can all lead to a lot of trouble if it's not checked in on. Checking in on it not only keeps you aware and mindful, but it also presents an opportunity to develop even more gratitude for your partner as you knowingly choose to go into things together, rather than trying to ignore them or work your way around them. Okay, that's it for me, everyone. I'm thankful to all of you for joining today and listening through the end.

[00:09:10] Mark and Angel are always reliable, and they did not disappoint this time. And be sure to come on back again where I promise to show up with another inspiring post for you. That's where your optimal life awaits.