2550: Being A Father by Vitaliy Katsenelson of Contrarian Edge on Parenting Lessons

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Being a Father by Vitaliy Katsenelson of ContrarianEdge.com.

[00:00:53] As I get older, I find that I value material things a lot less. I'm still partial to gadgets, but soft things like conversations, walks, experiences, have started to matter to me a lot more than things. My writing was supposed to be about investing, how to make $2 out of $1. But existential topics have lately had a greater appeal for me than discussions about stocks or the economy. Writing this scribble that I'm about to make a lot more.

[00:01:21] Writing this scribble that I'm about to share with you was very difficult because while I was writing it, I kept asking myself, am I a good father? And I wasn't sure of the answer. Being a father? Dana Carvey on When You Feel Most Loved In Your Life says, When humans started to call me dad. That is the word that gets me. You're famous to a billion people, but only three people call you dad.

[00:01:46] I have a client. Her husband was a second-generation American, a Yale-educated lawyer who worked in the family business that was started by his father, a Russian immigrant. Four years ago, he was diagnosed with cancer. He put up a great fight, but cancer won, and a year later, he was gone at 66. He left $100 million, which went to his wife, son, and daughter. The kids are in their late 20s.

[00:02:12] I had a meeting with the family recently. The son's wife was a few days away from giving birth to a baby girl. As the son and I were talking about his upcoming fatherhood, I asked him what kind of father he wants to be. He said, I don't want to be like my father. I was a bit surprised, and I asked why. He said, After my father passed away, his friends would tell me how he was this larger-than-life, gregarious man. I never saw that man.

[00:02:40] My father worked 16-hour days, seven days a week. He worked in the basement. He'd come up for dinner and then go back down. He never spent time with me or my sister. My mom did everything, from driving us to school to taking me to football practice. I always felt like I was raised by my mother. I don't want to be like that. I want to be there for my kids. He went on, My father thought till the last moment that he'd beat the cancer, and so he never expressed his true feelings to me or my sister.

[00:03:09] A year later, my father's friend told me that my father confided in him that he'd wished he'd spent more time with us kids. Listening to him, I felt a sudden urge to run home and hug my children. I also felt enormous sadness. I was thinking, what if he had worked 8 or maybe even 10 hours a day instead of 16 and had left his kids a $10 million pile rather than $100 million? Would it really have made a difference for his kids' lives?

[00:03:35] They are wonderful, thoughtful young adults who don't have pretentious lifestyles. They live in $200,000 houses and drive modest cars. His son would probably trade away all his money for a father who was there for him. I was deeply impacted by this story because, as a father who runs a business, I was asking myself, am I doing the same thing to my kids? I shared my worry with a good friend. He has a struggling website design business that has not moved out of the startup phase 10 years on.

[00:04:04] He's anything but wealthy. But his bills are paid and his family doesn't go hungry. He works 8 hours a day and spends all of his free time with his 3 young kids. As I was mentally comparing these two dads, my definition of what success means got completely redefined. It's not how much money you're going to leave your children. It's the memories you'll leave them with. Our appreciation of material things has a very short shelf life.

[00:04:30] We value the experiences and memories they create exponentially more. His kids may not have the fancy toys and big houses that some of their friends do. But to them, those things won't matter much. They'll have the warm glow of love their father gave them. As an entrepreneur, you always want to grow your business larger. Your current revenue and profit are never good enough. They just set the bar higher for next year. We always want more. But this more has a cost.

[00:05:00] A cost we don't see at the time. Time with our family. It's my core responsibility to provide for my family. But at some point, I and maybe some of my readers may say that more is not worth it. P.S. An additional thought. Sometimes work for us is a game. A real life version of Candy Crush. Where money is not a currency that buys us material stuff, but chips that we never intend to spend, but are just there to keep count of our successes.

[00:05:30] They are the currency that moves us to the next level. And the next level. Just as we can mindlessly spend tens of hours playing Candy Crush, our work can turn from being something we do to live into an addiction. As I'm writing this, I keep thinking that on one hand, I was incredibly fortunate to discover my love for investing when I was in my early 20s. But also, that there's a danger in this love, which at times can conflict with my love for my family.

[00:05:57] My own father, often quoted from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, quote, You become responsible forever for what you have tamed. You just listened to the post titled, Being a Father by Vitaly Katzenelson of ContrarianEdge.com. And such a wonderful post from Vitaly. I mean, what a reminder, right?

[00:06:24] This archetype of the father who works too much is not unfamiliar to anyone, I don't think. But it's my hope that an article like this, with words directly spoken from a child after the passing of their father, can steer some fathers in the right direction. And for fathers who have a hard time drawing lines in the sand, or boundaries around how much they will work, or how much money they need to earn, perhaps they can at least ask themselves why.

[00:06:51] Underneath, what's the driving motivation to keep working so relentlessly? Are you trying to live up to someone's expectations? Are you trying to avoid something at home? Do you feel inadequate if you don't have the most money on the block? Yet again, it's an invitation for either some outer changes, or some inner questions. And ideally both. So please share this episode with a father, or a mother, or anyone you know who may be missing out on some meaningful parts of life because of their preoccupation with work. That's going to do it for me though, everyone.

[00:07:21] Thanks again for joining me today. And be sure to come back and do the same tomorrow, where I will have another post for you. That's where your optimal life awaits.