2553: [Part 1] Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling on Divorce

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:24] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages, Part 1, by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com. Before we begin, I want to strongly express that this blog is not intended to make any strong generalizations or judgments, but rather discuss particular themes I have seen within modern heterosexual marriages.

[00:00:49] Also, when I say ideal marriages, I am referring to the list of societal checkmarks that project a good husband. For example, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, isn't abusive, is committed, is a good father and or provider, etc., etc.

[00:01:04] There is no denying that marriage and commitment have all been redefined in our society. Generational shifts, gender-related shifts, empowerment, and free choice have all influenced the ways in which the modern person identifies, views tradition, and responds to commitment. This isn't right or wrong. But our reality is, things have changed. We may find ourselves confused with what the right thing for us is.

[00:01:32] When we get to a certain age, we may find ourselves with a lot of conflicting questions and not a lot of answers. I.e., do I want to get married? Why or why not? Is this the right person for me? Do I want children? Have I waited too long to make a decision? Did I settle?

[00:01:49] Well, the shifts in tradition have positive influences as well as negative. The negative influences can be that it lacks a supportive direction because we have so many choices, thus leaving us potentially feeling more and more confused with where to go. As a modern relationship therapist, I have seen certain trends that commonly pop up in clients' experiences.

[00:02:10] One of which is many women making the decision to leave their, on paper, ideal marriages, sometimes seemingly out of the blue, after years of commitment and perceived happiness. When working with heterosexual couples, statistically speaking, I've had more women make this decision to leave than men. Again, not labeling or judging this as good or bad, just strictly a common observation. Does this surprise you? In the big picture, I find this interesting.

[00:02:38] Obviously, every woman, every man, everyone is different. We cannot possibly chalk this up to one argument that insists all women who chose to leave their marriages do it because blank. Rather, I would like to identify three causes that I have consistently found throughout my experience as a relationship therapist that have been leading factors to the whys of women leaving their ideal marriages. Number one, why women leave their ideal marriage? They've lost and or have redefined themselves.

[00:03:09] Simply put, I have seen many couples who have been together or committed since they were 19 to 25 years old, and now in their 30s or 40s, the women come to realize how much of themselves they didn't know and or explore when they made the decision to share their life with someone. From their perspective, they may feel as though they attempted to share their new discovery, or desire to discover, with their husbands, but repeatedly felt rejected or dismissed in the process.

[00:03:37] After months or even years of feeling isolated with this part of themselves rarely exposed, they start to, consciously or subconsciously, pull away from their husbands and feel a sense of emptiness. They feel vulnerable, conflicted with the newness they have tapped into, but also feel embarrassed or ashamed due to their perceived partner's neglect in exploring this side with them. This new part of themselves can be as simple as gaining new hobbies,

[00:04:04] a new friend group, a new job, a new sense of confidence. It can also be as deep as a newly found spirituality, desire, or a new phase in their lives that creates a new meaning in their identity. For example, becoming a mother. Let's take a realistic scenario. A woman defines herself as a hard worker, independent and self-reliant. She gets married, has babies, and stops working as much, if not entirely. The woman loses self-confidence and independence,

[00:04:33] and internally shuts off due to her confusion of her own self-worth. Her identity has become a mother, and she doesn't recognize the other parts of herself that once liberated her. After her children are a bit older, she finds herself disconnected from the world, her relationships, and even herself. She wants to re-establish and find herself again, only to perceive and feel as though she's met with criticism and judgment from her husband. Her husband may not logically understand what the big deal is,

[00:05:02] or understand her needs to re-establish her identity, and may dismiss the severity. She feels conflicted, abandoned, and alone. After years of attempting to restructure her sense of self and feeling insecure and isolated by her partner, she may find herself wanting to end her marriage because she feels there is no other option to feel empowered, confident, and authentic again. To be continued.

[00:05:29] You just listened to part one of the post titled Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages by Alicia Janney of ModernLoveCounseling.com All right, folks. If you've been here before, you know the drill. I saved my commentary for after the second half of the two-parters. I hope you like the start of this one as much as I do. And I recommend coming back for tomorrow's finish, as well as my thoughts on the article. So until then, have a great rest of your Sunday. That's if you're listening in real time.

[00:05:57] And I will be back with you tomorrow with the rest where your optimal life awaits.