2554: [Part 2] Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling on Communication Skills

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages, Part 2 by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com 2. Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriage? They haven't clearly communicated to their partner the severity of their fears or needs until their decision to leave has already been made or an affair has happened.

[00:00:24] Again, not a criticism or judgment, a mere observation I have seen throughout the years when working with couples. One correlation that seems to generate across the board is seeing some women get so defeated by their perception of failed attempts that often by the time they get to counseling, they've already made up their mind to leave their marriages. They feel completely discouraged as many of them feel they had communicated over and over what their needs and fears were but their partner never listened.

[00:00:53] Again, no right or wrong. But as the objective perspective in the room, I can see how some of these women perceived the situation and why it would feel discouraging to them. I can also see their male counterparts perspective, that they internalize their partner's attempts to communicate as being nagged or criticized over and over again. I.e., you never take me out anymore. Or, I'm at home with the kids all day and you barely notice me when you get home.

[00:01:20] And missed reading between the lines of what their partner was trying to communicate. Like, I'm unhappy, I'm lonely, or I'm feeling abandoned. This disconnect in communication is common in all the relationships I work with. And I explain it in terms of a vulnerability scale. I ask my clients to rate themselves based on a scale of one to five in vulnerability. When they come into session, they are mostly speaking their truths in an emotional five.

[00:01:46] But when they're at home, they may only be communicating to each other at a level one through three. We don't realize that just because we're speaking doesn't mean our vulnerability and intention is being heard. If we've communicated for years at a level one through three, no wonder our partner hasn't been hearing us. A level one through three has a tone. It's often aggressive or demanding. It's protecting our overall insecurities and is wrapped up in unnecessary content.

[00:02:14] This message is very different than communicating to your partner at a level five and expressing your deepest needs, insecurities, and feelings without defensiveness. The unfortunate part of this situation, it's simply due to lacking tools. Most of us don't know how to speak at a level five with our partner. Most of us feel isolated or misunderstood by our partner at times. Most of us have shut down. Years of perpetuating this cycle, I can understand why couples separate.

[00:02:43] It's exhausting. However, my suggestion, if you're currently experiencing this, seek support right away. This could save your relationship and in my belief, it can be saved. Number three, why women leave their ideal marriage. They realize they have created a life that has only checked boxes versus actually being fulfilling in a way they authentically desire. This isn't always the case. None of these are, by the way.

[00:03:10] But I have seen many women get to a place in their lives that they reflect and realize they aren't really fulfilled. They start to realize they may have been operating out of societal norms or perceived expectations and never really gave themselves permission to pursue what they wanted. Many women find themselves at a crossroads where they realize the things they settled for when they got married are actually huge needs that aren't getting met.

[00:03:35] They then find themselves conflicted with how to ask their partner for these things when they knew what they were getting when they agreed to get married. This is tough because they want to ask for what they need, like more emotional connection, but know practically that they married a man that doesn't have the capacity to offer this to them. They feel stuck with suppression, are conflicted, and feel stuck.

[00:03:57] They may also experience extreme guilt, as they may love other parts of their partner but still feel incomplete, i.e. he's such a good dad or he doesn't cheat, he takes care of me financially and supports my career goals. This blog may really resonate with you. It may shake up a lot for you as well. Maybe you're a woman who can relate to these feelings, or maybe you're the man who struggles with understanding why their wife is leaving and or left. This blog is intended to promote insight and awareness.

[00:04:27] Everyone's story and situation is different, and everyone has the right to make their own decisions. But if you're in a situation that is similar, and you'd like to prevent divorce or have a safe space to discuss divorce, counseling can be incredibly helpful. Learning the tools to better understand yourself, as well as how to speak more clearly with your partner, can be exactly what your relationship needs in order to grow.

[00:04:50] Counseling can be a preventative tool as well, so it's never a bad time to seek someone out to assist with building more understanding and clarity within your partnership. You just listened to part two of the post titled, Why Women Leave Their Ideal Marriages by Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com And such a critical post from Alicia, which we're really thankful for.

[00:05:18] This is just such a complicated matter, and it is so great to have some light shed on it, especially for me as a man who has wrestled with this type of scenario myself. But, though it's such a unique situation to navigate, we still see a lot of the old suspects come up, don't we? We see the need to look after oneself first and foremost, and we see the need to effectively communicate and effectively receive communication.

[00:05:45] Yet, even when this is attempted, there can still be trouble, right? I love Alicia's note about being vulnerable on a 1-5 scale. The power, though, in being vulnerable is still so new to us, right? And even if we are able to be vulnerable at a 5, do we always know what to do afterwards? No. Sometimes opening up about something so raw can leave us feeling as though there's no healing from it, once we've said it,

[00:06:12] and that the relationship is immediately in jeopardy because this is new, unseen territory. This isn't always the case, of course, nor does it have to be. But something for couples to continue exploring, something I'm actively trying to learn as well, is the balance of being as open as possible, yet trusting ourselves to not let ourselves be too panicked, to not resolve struggles that we're hearing for the first time.

[00:06:37] The best thing for couples to commit to is openness and willingness to work with one another through such changes. That's all for me, though, folks. An important post for me personally, so thanks for joining me these last couple of episodes. I hope it was really helpful for you as well. Time to get out of here now. Have a great start to your week, and do know that I'll be back with you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits. I'll be back with you tomorrow.