2555: How To Stop Feeling Frustrated With Someone by Stella Grizont on Empathy and Emotional Clarity

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How To Stop Feeling Frustrated With Someone by Stella Grizont of StellaGrizont.com.

[00:00:53] My husband snores. Not too much or too loud, however. It's just enough that it feels like he's grating at my dreams and sending electric shocks through my body, even while I'm wearing earplugs. Of course, intellectually, I understand he can't help it. Nevertheless, when my sleep is disrupted by his snoring, boy do I get angry. And then because I'm frustrated and feeling hopeless, oh my god am I ever going to sleep well for the rest of my life, I get even

[00:01:22] more upset and more upset and more awake. Not fun. Now, before we get any further, is there a person in your life who frustrates you? Hold on to that thought and I'll finish my story. Several weeks ago, we took a family skiing trip and I slept in the same room as both my husband and three-year-old daughter, Lenore. Lenore had a cold, so now she was snoring too.

[00:01:45] I noticed that I had a dramatically different response to my daughter snoring. I wasn't angry with her at all. What's that about? Here's what I got for you. It's easy for me to appreciate the innocence of my child and forgive her. But my husband, an adult? That's different, right? It's almost common sense. A child is innocent and an adult should know better, even though in this case, I know, I know he can't help it.

[00:02:11] But, here's the deal. What would your experience with the people who trigger you feel like if you assumed their innocence? Sit with that. Bring up that image of the person who annoys you. Can you imagine them as a child who is pure and only wanted to love and please you?

[00:02:29] Now, of course, it may seem completely impossible, especially with Bob from accounting who insulted you in front of everyone at the board meeting, or with Mary who blatantly took credit for your work, or with the waitress who messed up your order and didn't apologize. But, is it really that different? Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, says that there is no such thing as an insult. It's only a tragically expressed need.

[00:02:56] As we grow up, life happens, and we learn to believe things or to respond to circumstances through fear. If I admit I'm wrong, I'll show weakness. Tragically expresses the need to be strong. If I speak up, I'll be punished. Tragically expresses the need to be perceived as good and likable. If Amy tries that again, I'll show her. Tragically expresses the need to be safe.

[00:03:21] Unfortunately, responding from fear or anger will only sabotage our chances of creating positive change. It doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel negative emotions. It just means that you better take a break until your heart feels calmer. By the way, this also doesn't mean that you should be a doormat and not hold folks responsible. It's just about how you do it. I can hear your skepticism. That's nice, Stella. You're so positive. But if I'm angry, there's no way I'm going to see someone's innocence. Yes, you can.

[00:03:51] And it's not that difficult. It's just not what you're used to doing. The first step is to be willing to think a new thought. Even if 99.9% of you is convinced of one story, just by consciously reserving 0.01% of willingness to approach this with new eyes, you may notice a dramatically new reality unfold. It sounds like this in your head. 1. Be willing to see it differently.

[00:04:18] Okay, I'm super annoyed right now, but I'm willing to see this differently. Even if I just wish this person the absolute worst, I'm going to reserve one ounce of possibility to see this in a new light. 2. Be willing to be curious. Ah, that's the oddest thing that Mary just said. I wonder what that's really about. 3. Be willing to not judge.

[00:04:45] All I can think right now is that Bob is a bully and has no appreciation for anyone's work. He's the worst leader I've ever worked with. Okay, okay, let me take a breath and be willing to not judge. If you're waiting for the clouds to part and a hallelujah song to cue instantaneously, you may be disappointed. You have to be patient. So, step number four is to pause. 4. Just wait.

[00:05:13] Don't send an email. Don't text. Don't speak until you're calm and can communicate with empathy, kindness, or at least calmness. I can't guarantee how that willingness will transform your experience, but I know for certain it's only going to help. Just notice what you notice. The more important factor in communication when dealing with a confrontation is not your words, but your energy. It's how you're being.

[00:05:41] Your willingness to not lead from fear directly impacts the quality of your being. No one can really hear you or see your innocence when you're angry and frustrated. I hope this helps. And if you need more, I'm here for you. I am beaming you, love, and practicing this alongside with you. Now when I wake up from Ilya's snoring, I try to gently request that he turn to his side. Plus, I got better earplugs.

[00:06:11] You just listened to the post titled, How to Stop Feeling Frustrated with Someone, by Stella Grisant of StellaGrisant.com. And a big thank you to Stella for this one. I really love this process she walked us through at the end especially. I think there's a lot of time for reflection in this part, particularly around that question in step two. I wonder what that might be about. Which gives us a chance to really sit with that unexpressed pain that she mentioned earlier that she quoted from.

[00:06:41] And another thing we can do when considering how to communicate with someone who's frustrated us is to turn the light around on ourselves, right? Because certainly we have all upset people. And in many of those cases, if not all, we have ideas as to how we didn't mean any harm. Or maybe that any anger we expressed to them was really rooted in a type of fear.

[00:07:04] So, it can be helpful to reflect on times when we can see how we might have upset others in spite of good intentions. Not only for the sake of empathy, but also so we can reflect on what type of treatment we might have liked to have received after. What type of compassion and understanding we would have wanted to be met with. It definitely requires some open-mindedness and willingness to forgive. But these are things I think we're all trying to improve upon anyway, right? Right. Okay, folks, that does it for today.

[00:07:34] Thanks as always for swinging by. I will look forward to seeing you here tomorrow for another post. That's where your optimal life awaits.