2556: What Should You Do When The Relationship Is Moving Too Fast by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love in 90 Days

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, What Should You Do When The Relationship Is Moving Too Fast by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Lovein90days.com Has this happened to you? From the moment you met eyes it seemed like fate. You just knew he was the one. Moving too fast was the last thing you were thinking about. You rushed in and had a great time, only to find heartbreak. Because the truth is, you were moving too fast. In fact, much more quickly than usual.

[00:00:29] Why? In order to spend plenty of time and share yourself fully with them. I know, he was everything you're looking for. He said and did all the right things. The chemistry was off the charts. You even found his quirky habits adorable. In fact, you totally believed he was it. And so before you knew it, you threw caution to the wind and jumped into a relationship. You spent a glorious weekend together and were already planning a vacation to Cabo next month.

[00:00:56] Well, you just committed the number one dating mistake singles make. The number one dating mistake, moving too fast. I call this dating mistake, this tendency to move too fast, the flame-out deadly dating pattern. I've worked with so many women who have had this happen to them. It's gut-wrenching. When the guy is acting like you're the one and showering you with attention, it's hard to resist.

[00:01:21] The problem is, when you're moving too fast, you end up missing red flags. And you're at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, Romantic love is a real addiction. When we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders.

[00:01:45] You become like a craving addict obsessed with your new boyfriend. Losing touch with reality, you see only the positives in the hottie. You lose self-control. Instead, you are locked on the target, the fix. And you're hot-wired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. Because of this addictive tendency, it can sometimes take months, even years, to get over the short-lived relationship with the man you didn't actually know that well.

[00:02:14] And that is time that you'll never get back. What research and game theory say about moving too fast. Have you ever wondered if it's better to wait to jump into bed? Well, here's some dating and mating advice about moving too fast from a mathematician and economist. These researchers used game theory in a study that shows that a longer courtship before being intimate allows the male to show that he is good from the female's vantage point.

[00:02:41] Goodness was defined as his perceived willingness to care for children and the mate after mating. Enough said if you want to be in a committed soulmate relationship or married with children. The study, by Seymour and Sozu, is appropriately titled, Duration of Courtship Effort as a Costly Sign. In my opinion, this study is amusing in that the researchers actually use value-laden terms of good and bad. In my view, there's nothing wrong with being intimate too soon.

[00:03:10] But jumping into an intimate relationship or simply hooking up before you know someone are not usually great choices for either a man or a woman. That is, if they have a goal of creating a true long-term love relationship. Why the numbers guys have it right about moving too fast. As we said earlier, moving too fast drives up levels of the hormone oxytocin, which in turn can create a strong biological attachment.

[00:03:36] Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend and befriend hormone. Throughout the whole act of intercourse, you will experience increases in this hormone. This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed. Whether or not you know, A, if you like them, B, if they are the kind of partner you want, or C, whether they want to be in a relationship with you. In addition, moving too fast into an intimate relationship can cause the release of dopamine,

[00:04:05] which is the infatuation biochemical. This means your body may organize you to feel like you are wildly in love, even if this person is not someone who will be the kind of partner you truly want. As I've said, moving too fast into the relationship is the number one mistake in dating. Bottom line on moving too fast Until you really get to know someone, it's not manipulative if you hold off on going to bed together. This is true for both men and women who are interested in long-term relationships.

[00:04:35] It's not some secret agenda that you have to hide. Instead, it has to do with being clear about one's relationship goals, and finding someone who is truly compatible and mature, who knows how wonderful you are and shares a similar vision. Moving too fast? Six things to do now. Number one, stop the five-hour dates. Less frequent and shorter dates will slow down the addictive process and allow you to assess whether this is a good guy who is truly interested in being with you.

[00:05:05] Number two, write up a list of his negative traits. The addictive brain chemistry blinds you to his faults. This will help you be more realistic. Number three, continue to date other guys. This forces you to slow things up with the hottie. Best way to avoid the number one dating mistake. Number four, do not have intercourse for at least two to three months. It releases the bonding hormone oxytocin and will bind you to him even more.

[00:05:33] Number five, ground your mind with meditation, yoga, or other mind and body practices. This offsets the speedy quality of the love addiction. And number six, distract yourself. Taking on a major project at work, going on a business trip or vacation with girlfriends, changes your focus and slows down the addiction. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:00] What Should You Do When the Relationship is Moving Too Fast? by Dr. Diana Kirshner of loveand90days.com And thanks so much to Dr. Diana for today's post. Definitely a good precautionary post for someone who wants to be strategic about their approach to relationships and building a likely recipe for success. I guess if there's any argument to it or anything that it might miss is the irresponsibility of young romance

[00:06:27] that is often quite endearing and allows us to be really present and helps us to learn and can set the stage for an even more passionate build into a full-fledged relationship should things go well. I mean, I suppose personally, I'd like to find a happy medium between that idea and what Dr. Diana has shared today. But love and relationships, especially in the beginning stages, I suppose, are just so organic. They're volatile and unpredictable.

[00:06:56] And it's that kind of mess that comes with both higher risks and higher rewards. A risk that can really encapsulate the weightless, boundless feeling that comes with young love. Just playing devil's advocate here. Just trying to pretend I'm a teenager, I guess. You know, I love a really mindful approach to relationships as much as the next guy.

[00:07:17] But there are times when too much structure and an approach that's too finely tuned may take some of that intangible magic away. But, you know, what do I know? Time to wrap up, everyone. Thanks a lot for listening today. And thanks again to Dr. Diana for a wonderful post. As always, I hope to see you back here again tomorrow for more relationship building content where your optimal life awaits.