2558: Are We Doing Too Much For Our Kids by Adina Soclof of Parenting Simply on Advice for Parents

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Are We Doing Too Much For Our Kids by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com

[00:00:27] I was once watching TV when I was a brand new mother. As I was about to turn it off, I heard, Parents, if you want to keep your child safe at the grocery store, you need to stay tuned for this special report at 11. Although I was exhausted, I couldn't miss this. Wouldn't that mean I was a horrible mother? Somehow, I felt I would never be able to go safely to the supermarket with my son again if I missed this important press item.

[00:00:54] So, what was this danger that was lurking in the grocery store? If you could believe it, it was reported that children should not walk around the produce department unsupervised. Why? Because they could get hit on the head by a falling melon. The reporter felt that every parent should be aware of this potentially hazardous situation. Were they being serious? Was Chicken Little writing for this news station?

[00:01:23] The fact is that the media was just tapping into the modern phenomena of helicopter parenting. I'm sure you've all heard this phrase. This term describes parents who are overprotective and constantly doing things for their children that they should be doing themselves. Intellectually, we know that we need to step back and let our children make their own mistakes and do what they can for themselves. Emotionally, we have a difficult time.

[00:01:48] Parents can get confused as to when to help children, how much we should help, and when we should not help at all. To help us understand what we should and shouldn't do for our children, we need to stop letting the media feed our fears. More important, we need to look at why we help our children in the first place. Parents have different reasons for moving in and taking over their children's lives.

[00:02:11] Once we clarify our motives and what type of parent we are, then we can make better decisions as to what our children need from us. The following are possible causes for our tendency to be a helicopter parent. Motive number one, the helper. There are parents who are naturally givers. They love to be kind and give to others, including their children. They are always available when their children need them.

[00:02:37] They have a hard time stopping themselves from doing for their children what their children need to be doing for themselves. When a child doesn't like dinner or forgets his lunch at home, these parents will jump in to make their child more food or run their child's sandwich to school. It's all in the name of kindness. Motive number two, the warrior. There are parents who are naturally anxious. They worry that their children will not do well in school if they don't do their homework,

[00:03:05] that they will get sick if they don't eat, or they will get hurt if they walk to school alone. These parents will do anything so that they do not worry. They will stand over their child and check their homework, force their child to eat, and drive them the two blocks to school. Motive number three, the guilty one. There are some parents who feel guilty. They feel like they are bad parents if they don't do things for their children. They have unrealistic expectations of what being a good parent actually entails.

[00:03:33] To them, good parents make sure their children are warm, fed, get good grades, and they never yell. These parents are usually overwhelmed and stressed out from overextending themselves. And motive number four, the conflict avoider. There are parents who will do anything for their children so that their child will not get angry and throw a fit. These parents know if their child doesn't have his homework in school that day. They will come home in a bad mood and resort to temper tantrums.

[00:04:02] They will take their child's homework to school so that they can avoid problems later on. Do you recognize yourself? I can see myself in all four of these categories. I like to help out. I can probably win the award for being a worrywart. I often feel guilty about what I don't do for my kids. And I hate to fight. However, I do know the drawbacks of doing too much for children. Children who have not been taught to fend for themselves lack resilience and have a hard time managing throughout their life.

[00:04:31] I know I need to let go. So, for example, when my son left his backpack at home, instead of running out to school and delivering it to him, I forced myself to stay put. I felt bad because I wanted to help him. I worried that he was not going to get in trouble with his teacher. I did feel a little bit like a bad mother and very guilty. I certainly was not looking forward to his homecoming that evening. He was going to be upset because his teacher had a very strict homework policy.

[00:04:58] He definitely would be penalized for not handing it in. What I did know was that he would learn to take responsibility for his possessions. And he would probably never forget his backpack again. I would never even have to say a word. This was a true life lesson, a natural consequence to his behavior, and a gentle push to teach him to be self-sufficient. So, I sat on my hands and went about my day. He was mad. But he's never forgotten his backpack again.

[00:05:30] You just listened to the post titled, Are We Doing Too Much For Our Kids? By Adina Sokoloff of ParentingSimply.com And another great post from Adina Sokoloff out of Parenting Simply. I always love her work and she has such a great way of speaking to parents. Now, of course, the scenario she described with the backpack is a great lesson, even though it can come with frustration from the child, as she mentioned. While parents do need to learn how to weather this type of storm,

[00:05:58] it does help to regularly phrase these types of events as opportunities when discussing them with children. So, if you can use your rhetoric to let kids know that they are indeed getting something out of this and that you aren't mad at them, it can go a long way. The tricky part really is relaying this message in a way that is child appropriate. So, if it's something you want to try, think about their objectives. What does someone their age want? What attributes do they want to be associated with?

[00:06:28] And how can you intertwine the right terminology to make that happen? Maybe letting them know that they'll be tougher next time, or that they just got even smarter after this lesson. Now, surely it's up to each parent to craft the right wording, given the intricacies of their children and the relationship they have with them. But if you can leverage your child's desires in your reassurance that you're trying to help them, you might just be on to something. That's it for now, though, everyone.

[00:06:55] Thanks so much, as always, for joining and for sharing this post with a parent in need. Time to get out of here, but do enjoy the rest of your Friday, and make sure to come on back tomorrow for the Saturday show. That's where your optimal life awaits. Let's take a moment. Thank you.