2567: From Advice to Authentic Connection by Shana Olmstead

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, From Advice to Authentic Connection by Shana Olmstead of ShanaOlmstead.com But if I'm not helping her, I'm not being my authentic self, he said. I don't want to fake it. We were having a conversation about the conversations he had with his wife. She was struggling with dissatisfaction in her life and went to him to vent and get support.

[00:00:56] He was young, driven, successful, and getting a little tired of listening to her sob story over and over. She's not doing anything to change. It is so annoying. He is ambitious and proactive. If he didn't like something in his life, he would change it. And if it was hard to do, he would work harder. So he couldn't understand why she couldn't take the action that he did. And it was hard for him to listen to her complain and not take the steps forward that he felt would help her.

[00:01:25] They were stuck in a cycle of frustration. She didn't feel heard, and he felt annoyed at her not changing. He knew his pattern of helping and fixing began in his family of origin. He'd become too responsible too early and felt it was his job to take care of himself and his younger siblings as well. In his relationship, this pattern looks like him giving her advice and trying to help her grow and change.

[00:01:50] He noticed that she didn't like this and had the realization that it might help to change his approach. He'd been trying to give less advice, but it didn't feel right, like he wasn't being true to himself. This can be common when we're working on changing a pattern. It feels uncomfortable, like we aren't being ourselves. I reminded him that the part of him that feels the need to fix his partner is just his ego and fear. He's such a compassionate soul, and he wants the best for his partner.

[00:02:19] And when he gets scared, he feels it's his responsibility to make it better for her. So his nervous system can feel better too. Growing up, he didn't have much stability. So his nervous system learned to be hypervigilant and scan his environment for what's wrong so that he could keep himself safe. Now, when something is wrong with his partner, his nervous system can easily feel this, and this fear drives him to try to fix what's wrong.

[00:02:46] It's so important to work on changing this pattern so that he can feel less anxiety when his partner doesn't change, and so his partner doesn't feel criticized and unheard in their conversations. Here are some ways to move from advice to authentic connection in your conversations. 1. Check in with yourself When you feel the urge to give advice, or help, or fix someone's problem, check in with yourself first.

[00:03:11] Slow down, wiggle your toes, take a deep breath, and remind yourself, my presence is a blessing. All I have to do is listen and hold space for them. They're strong and capable. Don't let your ego get in the way of their evolution. 2. Ask first Would you like me to listen or give suggestions? And really listen to their answer. Explain to them that you are working on not helping as much and just holding space for them.

[00:03:41] Talk it through and see what works best for them. 3. Curiosity is key Catch yourself when you have the urge to give a suggestion, and engage them with curiosity about themselves and their internal experience. Instead of, have you tried? Try, what do you think about that? 4. Stop shitting all over yourself Notice when you want to tell them what they should do, and redirect back to reflective listening and curiosity.

[00:04:10] Instead of, you should, try, what do you think you should do next? 5. Remind them, and yourself, of their strength and resilience Take a deep breath, fill yourself with light, and remind yourself that they are a strong and capable person, fully capable of handling whatever's happening. Instead of, I'm worried about, dot dot dot, try, you've got this. You've figured out so many hard things in your life before.

[00:04:40] Your authentic self knows their authentic self is a powerful soul, fully capable of evolving through whatever is happening in their lives right now. They're going through a beautiful learning opportunity, don't get in the way by trying to help too much. You just listened to the post titled, From Advice to Authentic Connection, by Shana Olmsted of shanaolmsted.com. And a really terrific one from Shana today, which we thank her for.

[00:05:10] And notice that in all five of her steps, the dialogue she suggests helps to encourage the person suffering to make their own way and step back into the driver's seat themselves, so that they're able to make discoveries of their own. And it's really important to remember that this is critical for anyone's growth. So even though we may want the best for our loved ones, and in some cases really feel as though we know what's best for them, it can be so helpful to keep this in mind

[00:05:38] and shift into a mindset that's not so results-driven. Being supplied with an answer, if it's a good answer, you know, it's helpful in the short term. But in the long term, the more we can help our loved ones by the way of giving them building blocks to come to their own conclusions, the more we're really empowering them and doing right by them. It might take patience, yes, you know, patience with the fact that changes are not immediate.

[00:06:05] But if our main overarching goal is the well-being of those we care about, and we keep that goal in mind, then having that patience and being a passenger that helps them while they make their own discoveries, that's really our best means of supporting them and caring for them. Unless, of course, they are asking for advice. As Shana mentioned, it can be so helpful to simply ask them what they would like from us. So definitely don't sleep on that suggestion. That was a really good one. But with that, it is time to get a move on, everyone.

[00:06:34] We're done here, and I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did. Take care of yourselves, enjoy the rest of your Saturday, and I'll see you tomorrow for more ORD, where your optimal life awaits.