2575: Anxiously Attached AND To Know Who You Are by Briana Harry of YeMash on Emotional Growth

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Anxiously Attached by Briana Harry of YeMash.com I don't quite know how to explain it, the difference between knowing and believing something and really knowing and believing something. I've learned a lot of things over the years. I've read or heard things and knew immediately that I was in alignment with that thought or idea.

[00:00:49] But so many times, it really clicks and kicks in later. I have an understanding that love is acceptance. That is my belief. But to be faced with reasons to put that belief into practice is a very different thing. I think I just reached a new understanding on what self-love is. My first attempts at it looked like highlighting the parts that were easiest to love. Now I'm seeing the other side.

[00:01:13] As I type this, it feels very duh. But it's such a profound shift in my experience. I've been looking at the things I don't like and not looking at them to necessarily change them, but to see why and when they're actually necessary. That's where the love part comes in. The empathy. The acceptance. The honesty. I've been more honest with myself about my attachment style. I have an anxious attachment style.

[00:01:39] When I learned about attachment styles years ago, I think I knew this beneath the surface, but never said it. I thought I must have been secure because my thoughts on love are so different from others. I value freedom too much to be anxious. I was just lying to myself, though, and shunning a very deep part of who I actually am. I've been doing dog sitting this past week. A cute little dark gray doggie who is definitely anxiously attached.

[00:02:04] He freaked out when his mom left. Then, when he did get comfortable with me, I left him for a few minutes at a time to run downstairs for my laundry. Each time I left, I could hear him barking and crying from down the hall. When I returned, I saw all the little paint chips on the floor from him scratching at the door. Each time he would jump on me, trying to get as close as he could, trying to establish my presence, trying to ensure I wouldn't leave.

[00:02:31] This broke my heart, but it also made me a little envious. I started to think, how freeing it must be to just outwardly express your fears, your needs. I was experiencing some anxiety around this, but he was getting his needs met. I loved him for that, and I thought I could use some of that. How many times have I fought myself from telling someone I was scared that they'd leave?

[00:02:57] How many times did I downplay my experience to convince myself that I didn't miss someone as much as I genuinely did? How many times did I stop myself from getting what I really needed from someone because I didn't want to need it at all? It made me sad for my past self, but elated for who I am today. This little doggie, through just being who he is, gave me the permission I needed to fulfill my needs.

[00:03:22] We're so socialized to shun codependence that we forget that we really do need each other. That's the whole point. To connect with others. Not just to connect, but to do so deeply by being who we really are and finding out who's really for us. Those who are for us should be given the opportunity to love us fully. We can only let them do that by being honest, being open, and vulnerable. Yesterday I texted someone that I missed them.

[00:03:48] I released the expectation of a response and did it just because I needed to. Shout out to my doggie friend. While I know, for sure now, that I'm not ready to care for a pet or child of my own full-time, I'm thankful for the insight this little one gave me while he was here. Cheers to crying when we need to, showing the people we love that we don't want to lose them, and being open enough to let all the love in.

[00:04:16] To Know Who You Are by Brianna Harry of yaymash.com Twice, in the span of just a couple of days, I've seen or heard something about knowing who you are. By the time, it made me pause. It made me stop and ask, Do I know who I am? Like if someone was to ask me, Who are you? What would I say, aside from my name? Besides, what really makes us who we are? If we're ever evolving, how much of who we are is even permanent?

[00:04:45] What even counts when we're always growing and changing? I understand the concept of knowing oneself. I know that I know my values. I know what I stand for and against, for the most part. But even that feels too vague, too broad. There's always this emphasis on who you really are. Apparently, there is a difference. I do have the thought that the true core of who we are can only be found in our once little selves. I guess that's what they mean when they say who we really are. Who we started as.

[00:05:15] Who is still there, underneath all of the protection. I think a past version of me feared that we are our mistakes. And what that made me if that turned out to be true. It seemed like, why not? If I'm the good things, why not the bad? What's keeping me from being just those things? What ratio is needed to determine one over the other? The more I grow, though, and accept every piece of my experience, I think I'm comfortable with the idea that I am all of the things. If we are what we do,

[00:05:44] I'm a writer, a podcaster, someone who likes to cook and host parties, someone who likes to drink and laugh, someone who's emotional. If we are our values, I am someone who values presence, love, freedom, and enjoyment. If we are our mistakes, I am someone who tends to binge, someone who has found myself regretting things I've said, someone who's often crying at inconvenient times. I think I'm okay with all of that. Not that that would be my response to the question,

[00:06:14] who are you? But that is what would be the most true. That and that I'm still being written. I'm still learning. I'm still becoming. You just listened to the posts titled, Anxiously Attached, and To Know Who You Are, both by Brianna Harry of yaymash.com. And some great words of wisdom from Brianna today. I really appreciate the level of introspection that she brings to her writing every time we share it.

[00:06:43] There's a lot of vulnerability and a lot of self-discovery in each of her posts. And today, I just wanted to expand on her thoughts about attachment styles briefly. So for those who don't know about them, they tend to fall into three. They fall into anxious attachment, which is having a hard time being away from your partner or needing them so much that it can be a bit smothering and we might rely on them too much. There's avoidant attachment. So that's the opposite. Really keeping parts of yourself from your partner,

[00:07:13] having a hard time opening up and maybe a little too much self-reliance to fully give yourself over. And then finally, there is secure attachment. It's nestled in the middle, a healthy degree of attachment, caring and open, yet not so much so that you've lost your own identity. And while we often talk about which of these styles fits us, it's important to know that our attachment styles can change a whole lot, both over time and person to person.

[00:07:41] Any degree of change in your life, relationship dynamics, traumas, etc. can really cause your attachment style to fluctuate. And being aware of this, rather than assuming yourself to be so identified with one particular style, can be really helpful as you navigate the different relationships in your life and bring a sense of versatility to them. So some things to keep in mind as we wrap up another episode, everyone. Go ahead and share this episode with someone who you think might like it.

[00:08:10] And do be sure to subscribe to ORD if you haven't yet to. Aside from that, have a terrific rest of your day. And I'll see you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.