2579: Healthy Relationships and Fighting: What Therapists Want You To Know by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love in 90 Days

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Healthy Relationships and Fighting, What Therapists Want You To Know by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Lovein90days.com Do you worry that you and your partner seem to always be fighting? Do you think that to be delightfully in love you should never argue? Does fighting leave you feeling as though your relationship is a ticking time bomb?

[00:00:24] Well, what most therapists want you to know is that there is a connection between happy, healthy relationships and fighting. But it's not what you think it is. You may be getting along just fine and then the fight erupts. Usually you feel like it's totally your partner's fault. But no matter who started it, it is so very upsetting to be caught in a negative spiral of emotions when you feel angry, resentful, depressed, and sometimes hopeless.

[00:00:51] You may think that to have a good relationship, a couple shouldn't be fighting. Most believe that regular arguments can end relationships, and if they didn't occur, that everything would be perfect. It's normal to come to that conclusion. It isn't often that we relate healthy relationships and fighting with romance and true love. As such, we imagine that ideal couples should never disagree.

[00:01:15] Is it normal that there's fighting in healthy relationships? Fighting to some degree is actually good for a relationship, and almost all couples do fight. Couples who don't fight are the ones that most therapists worry about. Happy couples are authentic, straight with each other, and air their differences. But over time, they learn self-control and generally do not let anger escalate and explode. This is the key. Happy couples follow what I call fight club rules.

[00:01:44] My clients often sum up for me why their relationship is in trouble. They say, because we argue all the time. It's never that they argue that worries me. It's how they argue that tells whether they will last the distance. Arguing isn't always a negative aspect to your relationship. Compared to a couple who never argues, it could mean that your relationship is in better standing because of it.

[00:02:09] Arguing shows two people who have their own opinions and beliefs, and they are willing to share them. It shows communication and a desire to share the issues that are important to those in the relationship. In a relationship where there is limited or no heated conversation, it could mean that one or both people don't feel safe enough to express themselves. They are unsure if they can be honest about their feelings, be heard and respected, yet still loved. This could be a serious problem.

[00:02:39] So, here are six tips that reveal what therapists have learned about how healthy relationships fight fairly and successfully. Healthy relationships and fighting tip one. Avoid out-of-control anger. Anger and criticism lead to flooding, a stress explosion in which the heart beats more rapidly, blood pressure soars, and adrenaline surges. The whole body tenses up as fear, confusion, and then more anger take over. Reason goes out the window.

[00:03:09] In experimental studies of conflict, even when couples are asked to calm down, men simply aren't able to chill out, while women can. Keep in mind that your real foe is not your partner, but this physiological stress reaction. If anger swirls out of control, use breathing, timeout, or humor to diffuse the situation. Healthy relationships and fighting tip two. Give space as needed.

[00:03:36] If your partner is the one who tends to get flooded with anger, practice giving him or her space in which to calm down. Not in a cold, rejecting way, but saying something like, Let's take a few minutes to have a breather, so we can talk this through when we're both clearer. In fact, healthy couples know how to establish good boundaries. Healthy relationships and fighting tip three. Use positive shaping talk.

[00:04:01] To avoid the angry stress reaction, it's best to start a potentially charged conversation in a soft, sweet, or affectionate way with what I call positive shaping talk. Be warm and clear about what you really want or need from your partner, not about what they're doing wrong. So instead of, you never pay attention to me, try saying, Honey, I love it when you listen to me, and it would be so great for me to be able to talk for five minutes while you just listen.

[00:04:31] Healthy relationships and fighting tip four. Repeat your partner's complaint. Often, if your partner feels heard and understood, like their opinion matters, they can often let go of the issue, back down, and re-enter into an intimate connection. Try repeating exactly what they're saying back to them. Start by saying, You feel. This can be very disarming. So you suddenly might say to your partner, You feel like I don't appreciate how important sports are to you.

[00:05:01] This can stop the whole escalation to mutually assured destruction. Healthy relationships and fighting tip five. Ask yourself which is more important, To be right or to be close? In happy couples, Who's right and who's wrong is irrelevant. Does it really matter that you win this argument? Or would you rather be making up and lying in each other's arms right now? Healthy relationships and fighting tip six. Use the take two technique.

[00:05:31] Make an agreement that either one of you can call out Take two when a fight erupts. Start your scene all over again, but from a loving place. My husband and I use this technique regularly to interrupt any of our stupid fights. And it's very powerful. In my clinical experience, this technique alone has saved many relationships from dissolving. Happy couples fight, but their fighting is less out of control.

[00:05:57] So that it ends on a sweet note that carries them back to laughter, closeness and intimacy. Learn how to fight fairly with your partner and come out of your anger. Soon you'll be having a real and loving dialogue. You just listened to the post titled Healthy Relationships and Fighting What Therapists Want You to Know By Dr. Diana Kirschner of lovein90days.com

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[00:06:55] And thanks so much to Dr. Diana for providing that insight. Really great work from her. Very informative for couples. I was hoping she would say what she ended up saying about how the quality of the fighting is much more telling than the frequency. And I think that all of her steps really stand to help us improve that quality. And one other technique to use that I think has traces of all her steps is allowing a certain amount of time for the other person to talk uninterrupted.

[00:07:23] So not only does this give each partner space and an opportunity to have their voices heard, but it also ensures that each partner has a time in which their objective is simply to listen. And this is crucially important when we look back again on things like wanting to be close instead of right and being able to repeat what our partners are saying and feeling. Especially when we're in a heated back and forth discussion. But even when we aren't, there's that inclination to prepare your next thought

[00:07:52] before the other person is finished speaking. And that's due in part to a stage being set in which there is dialogue expected. But when do we listen best? I mean, think about it. It's usually when there's no chance of a response from us. So it's easy to focus on me as the host of this show because you have deliberately set time aside to listen today and you know we won't be conversing. It's easy to listen to people giving speeches live or in television

[00:08:21] because it's a one-way street. And again, you prepare for the position of only listening without the pressure to respond. This same dynamic and mindset shift can exist within disagreements. So, again, for the sake of both of your abilities to listen and pay proper attention, consider giving one another chances to speak openly and let out what you need to let out without interruption. Okay, gang, that's going to do it for me today. Thank you very much for joining as always

[00:08:51] and for making another episode possible. And what can I say? Be sure to come on back tomorrow for more. That's where your optimal life awaits.