2580: The Ex: Should You Stay Friends With Them by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling on Dating Advice

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[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Ex. Should You Stay Friends With Them? By Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com. Do you ever ask, should you stay friends with your ex? It's a tricky question for many of us, especially if we haven't truly identified our own intentions or feelings.

[00:01:16] Most modern relationships start with two people having a relationship history. Whether it's extensive, short, or eclectic, our relationship past is usually complicated and sometimes hard to understand. When starting a new relationship, I've found that some couples struggle with how to approach the topic of their ex-partners. Some clients find themselves sustaining relationships with their exes, while others are completely against it.

[00:01:42] Some clients find themselves worried about boundaries with ex-relationships and have an internal conflict with compromising this previous connection. When is it appropriate to stay connected to an ex? When are you compromising yourself and your own values when starting a new relationship that has a different philosophy? When is it time to full-on end your relationship with an ex?

[00:02:08] In my professional opinion, I'm going to give you a rather vague answer to these questions. It depends. I used to hate when my professors in grad school would say that, but sometimes that's all you can say. Although this answer is ambiguous, I've learned as a therapist how to approach that simplistic yet confusing answer. It really does depend. Every person is different. Every relationship is different. Every scenario has its own complications and complexities.

[00:02:38] All I ask, do your homework. If you find it's important to maintain relationships with your exes, please take a moment to reflect and ask yourself why. Are there any subconscious possibilities that have caused you to want to leave the door slightly open just in case? Do you worry about having enemies or anyone from your past having a negative perspective about you? Did you have an ex or two that weren't good romantic partners, but still show up for you as a friend?

[00:03:07] Regardless of your scenario, I think it's important that you be extremely honest with yourself when asking why you maintain relationships with your exes. The first two examples may have the tendency to lead you in some relational trouble in the future, if it hasn't already. Across the board, I feel the following is a good rule of thumb when attempting to establish healthy boundaries and appropriate scenarios with your new partner, as well as with your exes. Skip the shortcut.

[00:03:35] When initiating a new relationship, limit your conversations about your ex partners. When having the urge to talk about your exes, ask yourself, why do I want to talk about them? If you find yourself wanting to talk about them because A, you miss them, or B, you want to make your new partner jealous, my advice is to stop and do some work immediately on yourself.

[00:03:57] These two examples aren't necessarily negative, but it does require some hard reflection and possibly some difficult work on yourself before you are fully capable of starting a new and healthy relationship. Starting a new relationship with someone when you are either A, not over your ex, or B, playing games to mask insecurities are not the best foundational blocks to start your new connection on.

[00:04:23] Understanding your intentions, giving yourself the proper time to grieve ex-relationships and work on self-esteem will help you on so many levels. Skipping these are a shortcut that you don't want to take. Trust me. Keep perspective. Most often we forget how much our exes drove us crazy, or how incompatible we were together.

[00:04:44] When starting a new relationship, we have the tendency to compare our ex with our new partner, and new red flags may be solely based on our own skewed memory. If we find ourselves holding on to an ex-partner because they are so great, we may find ourselves never able to accept our new partner completely and may always have unfair expectations.

[00:05:06] If your ex is in your life only to subconsciously taunt and confuse you, maybe you should cut ties with them completely so you can officially move on and stop comparing apples to oranges. Be equitable. If you find yourself not wanting to cut off ties with your ex for whatever reason, be fair and hold the same rule for your new partner. Ask yourself, how would I feel about this?

[00:05:31] Be sure your new partner understands the capacity of your relationship with your ex and try not to be defensive about it, but rather understanding and allowing of them to have their own reaction to it. Together, you may be able to establish a compromise with comfortable boundaries for all. Keep boundaries extremely clear. It is not appropriate to maintain a friend-with-benefits relationship with an ex when you are starting a new relationship with someone else.

[00:05:57] It suggests that you don't take your new relationship seriously and insecurities will likely cause ruptures in your new relationship. When engaging in a friends-with-benefits relationship with an ex, be sure to be extremely clear about what your relationship is and isn't. Of course, there are many more scenarios, as well as other complications I didn't discuss. With that being said, just try to remember that not all relationships with exes are bad or disrespectful to your new partner.

[00:06:26] But they can and will cause issues within yourself and or in your new relationship if you aren't reflecting an understanding of your own intentions. You just listened to the post titled, The Ex, Should You Stay Friends With Them? By Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com Okay, and thanks a lot to Alicia for that one. You know I like this one because she addressed the gray area, right?

[00:06:54] She is honest with her readers and rather than soothing them with some kind of false black and white answer, she acknowledges the nuance of the situation. Of course, each ex is different. And of course, the relationship we have with them is different. And of course, there are varying degrees of healthiness and awareness when it comes to maintaining relationships with them. I absolutely love Alicia's point of considering each ex you have as well as your intentions with them on an individual basis,

[00:07:23] rather than bunching them all together with one common rule, like probably just for the sake of simplifying things. This really encourages greater self-awareness and it can point you towards answers to what you might need on a subconscious level for yourself and for your relationships. So, take the time to do that self-work as Alicia mentioned, whether it's with yourself, with a therapist, or if you feel ready with a partner you may have. You might also find it helpful to have a conversation with your ex about this, right?

[00:07:53] Fleshing out intentions and feelings between the two of you. Again, there are a lot of intricacies here, but the one constant is self-exploration and openness, so your interactions with everyone involved are deliberate and honest. Okay, and on that note, it is time to wrap this one up everybody. I appreciate you being here as always, and I do hope to see you again tomorrow where I will have another post for you, and where optimal life awaits. Through the multi-stack, the two sets of four-minute nickels to fail and while in the middle, two sets of four-minute nickels for three minutes.�