2586: [Part 1] Coping With Sentimental Objects After Loss by Reid Peterson and Belinda Kock of Grief Refuge

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Relationships Daily Coping with Sentimental Objects After Loss. Part 1 by Reid Peterson and Belinda Kock of GriefRefuge.com Quote, I wear the chain I forged in life, replied the ghost. I made it link by link and yard by yard. I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. End quote. That's from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, page 27.

[00:01:00] These famous words have always haunted me, Belinda, and yes, pun indeed. The idea of holding on to things so tightly in life that they chain us down and prevent us from living to our fullest joy is heartbreaking to me. Jacob Marley's chain was made of cash boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses wrought in steel. Page 23. These were the things that he coveted to the point that they became his undoing. You may be asking,

[00:01:29] What in the world does this have to do with linking objects that keep me connected to my loved one that has died? And I would say, Nothing, if you have a healthy connection to the objects. But, If holding on to something is no longer about preserving the memory of your loved one, and is more about holding on for the sake of holding on, we encourage you to keep listening. A 900-pound linking object. When I, Reed, was a kid,

[00:01:57] it was a special treat to go for a ride on Warren's motorcycle. Warren is my stepfather. He died in 2016. From the moment Warren entered my life at the young age of three, he had a Harley Davidson motorcycle. I thought his black sportster was the coolest, probably because it was the smallest of his bikes, and I thought it could go the fastest. Warren owned three different Harleys in the 37 years he was part of my life. He and my mom took a lot of vacations and did a lot of motorcycle touring.

[00:02:28] Many of those trips and rides were some of the fondest memories they shared together. When Warren was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, he kept a positive attitude and affirmed he was going to live another 30-plus years. I believed him. He had a very strong will. After all the treatments, and the additional diseases he developed as side effects, began to wear down his spirit, he and my mom began to make arrangements to set up a will and get their affairs in order. I remember talking to him about his bike.

[00:02:58] At the time, he had a 1998 Harley Davidson Ultraglide, a 95th anniversary edition. They asked if I would be interested in taking ownership. I told them I would be honored to do so. That bike was a big part of Warren's life and identity. After he died, my mom had the bike towed into the shop to repair and restore it. It had sat in their garage for four years because Warren didn't have the strength to hold it up. The bike was restored,

[00:03:25] and we moved it from Minnesota to California so I could take ownership. I remember looking at it when we got it off the trailer and telling myself, Take care of this, beauty. This is what's left of Warren. I rode it once a week for the first year I owned it. Every time I got on his bike, I felt like Warren was right there with me. It was so special. I would fire it up and head for a curvy country road. I would take in the beautiful scenery and feel confident that Warren's spirit was filled with joy. For the year of 2019,

[00:03:55] I was a full-time motorcycle commuter. That feeling of being with Warren wore off, and my mind began to focus more on the dangers of riding. Everyday commutes to work and other places became more about survival and remaining accident-free. I had many conversations with my wife about what to do with the bike. I was now scared. I didn't trust other drivers on the road. I saw too many people driving and texting, and there were more close calls than what I was comfortable with.

[00:04:24] My family leased a second car in December of 2019. At that time, I stopped riding. The feeling was bittersweet. I felt much more safe in a car with airbags and metal around me. But there was a part of me that felt like I had betrayed Warren. A little over a year later, and Warren's bike continues to sit in the driveway. Each day I look at it and tell myself, I need to ride it. I owe it to Warren. I need to preserve his legacy.

[00:04:52] How do linking objects keep the memory of loved ones going? When you hold a linking object in your hand, you're reminded of the person that made that object special in the first place. This makes linking objects very important in grief. They sometimes fill a void for the connection to your special person. Linking objects can help you feel close to the person you miss so much. Linking objects are often defined as something owned by the person you lost. That's not always the case, though.

[00:05:21] They can be unowned objects that bring up memories of special bonds or attachments you had with your special person. For example, random pennies found in public places are linking objects for Reed's maternal grandmother. They help connect him to his grandma Mary Lou who died in 1996. Mary Lou used to say, Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck. Without the penny as a linking object, that memory would likely be lost. For Belinda,

[00:05:49] special linking objects are fondue pots. More about that in a bit. When a linking object loses its significance over time, it's considered healthy and part of accepting the new reality associated with your loss. Some linking objects are held onto longer than others. Some are held onto for generations. The timing and importance of linking objects depends on what the object is and the significance it played in your relationship to the person you lost.

[00:06:16] Can linking objects be harmful to the healing grief process? Sometimes, linking objects are harmful to the grief process in that they perpetuate emotions that feel more hurtful. When linking objects no longer fulfill the purpose of connecting you to your loved one, it can be easy to feel guilty, self-judgment, or even shame. These feelings are common because part of you wants to move on with life, but part of you still feels the need to honor and or preserve the memory of your loved one.

[00:06:45] Remember Belinda's note about fondue pots? Here's her story as an example for how linking objects can become more harmful than helpful. Anytime I, Belinda, see a fondue pot at a thrift store or yard sale, I automatically think of my stepdad, Pierre, and the 40-year-long escargot-slash-cheese-fondue Christmas Eve tradition my family has. The tradition becomes problematic when I open my hall closet

[00:07:11] and see so many, too many fondue pots I have collected since my stepdad died eight years ago. For me, Belinda, traditions and rituals are an important part of life. They bring peace into a world that is full of chaos. When I take communion at church the first Sunday of the month, it helps me connect with my faith and fellow Christians. When I wake up in the morning and make that perfect cup of coffee, it helps me get centered for the day.

[00:07:38] And when my family comes together for escargot and fondue on Christmas Eve, it reminds me of the many happy times in my childhood. So, it's natural that those fondue pots would bring a sense of peace. But because I am aware of my tendency to be what some call a pack rat, I know I have to do a healthy purge of things and let go of some of the many fondue pots I own. But what if someone just cannot allow themselves to let go of something

[00:08:06] because they remind them so much of that special person who died? To be continued, you just listened to part one of the post titled Coping with Sentimental Objects After Loss by Reed Peterson and Belinda Cock of griefrefuge.com All right, folks. And this has been a long part one. Tomorrow's part two is also lengthy. So, I'm going to share my commentary at the end of tomorrow's episode

[00:08:35] and let you guys out a little early today. Thanks a lot for joining me for this first part, though. I hope you feel this article has been impactful already. And there's a lot more where that came from, trust me. So, do join me again tomorrow for the conclusion of this post from Reed and Belinda where your optimal life awaits.