2587: [Part 2] Coping With Sentimental Objects After Loss by Reid Peterson and Belinda Kock of Grief Refuge

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[00:00:29] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Coping with Sentimental Objects After Loss, Part 2. By Reed Peterson and Belinda Cock of GriefRefuge.com. But what if someone just cannot allow themselves to let go of something because they remind them so much of their special person who died? What if this holding on to the past has become self-destructive, even to the point that the items are taking over their home and lives?

[00:01:22] This someone may be a loved one that you are concerned about, or it may be you that has acknowledged that objects around your home have become so overwhelming that it is causing not only anxiety, but embarrassment or other hurtful feelings. What purpose is your linking object fulfilling?

[00:01:40] Grief can be complex and overwhelming. Sometimes survival is the only goal. When grief is more manageable, it's healthy to ask yourself on a consistent basis, what purpose is this linking object fulfilling? Your answer may surprise you. There are times when a linking object may be thought to keep a connection to a loved one who has passed, but it may also feed an emotional behavior that can keep you stuck in grief.

[00:02:06] Linking objects help to keep memories alive. They remind you of your special person, their smile, the way they laughed, their jokes, their quirks, etc. It's hard to let go of things like that. It's hard to think that if you let go and move on, you may forget about what made them so special. When you're in a position of using linking objects to deny the reality about your loss, things can get problematic.

[00:02:30] One of the more common ways this happens is when someone dies and their family leaves their room exactly how it was for the rest of the time they own the house. It's okay to take your time to sort through things, but if everything in the room is there to remove their death, the linking objects are likely being used more for the purposes of denial. This holding on and denying death can stir up other emotions that make grief feel more painful. Many linking objects are used to honor the person who has passed.

[00:02:59] A special watch or ring can be quite sentimental and honoring when worn and or talked about with other loved ones. One question you may want to explore on an occasional basis is, Is this linking object helping me honor my loved one? If your answer is yes, use that linking object to share stories about the special person who you feel connected to. If your answer is no, it may be time to consider the option of passing it on to someone else or letting it go.

[00:03:29] This can be a hard decision to make, but it can also be helpful for the healing process. Another question to ask yourself on an occasional basis is, Do I need this linking object to stay connected to my loved one? Since this question is phrased in a way to indicate a yes or no answer, your response can help dictate the type of purpose the object is fulfilling. Again, if your answer is yes, use the object to share more stories about the special person who the object helps you feel connected to.

[00:03:57] If your answer is no, consider passing the item on or letting it go. Although this can be very difficult, it can be helpful for the healing process. It's important to take a moment every now and then to gauge how you feel about the object itself. Some linking objects can take a lot of time or cost a lot of money to keep current, working, or even clean. Practicalities such as these are factors that can impact a decision to keep or let go.

[00:04:25] They're just as important as other factors that are considered more sentimental. What to do when linking objects no longer fulfill their purpose Although there's no set time to hang on to linking objects, there is the possibility of times when linking objects can hold you back from healing and moving forward in grief. I, Belinda, keep thinking about when my youngest daughter would not let go of this one certain dress she loved.

[00:04:51] She loved that dress so much she could tell you all the fun things she did while wearing it. The list would be long. None of the typical, how about we donate it so some other little girl can get joy from it, or it really is too small for you to wear and too big for your dolls, so maybe we should donate it, tricks worked with this kid. She was not letting go of that purple dress. Then, she started doing this with other items. Dolls, toys, and other clothes.

[00:05:18] She could recall a memory so quickly when she held that item. But the holding on created a big problem. Her room became overfilled with stuff, and she would never play in there. That is when I had to do some creative mom-slash-counselor work with her. I told her what a great storyteller she was. I told her how much I enjoyed her telling me about her things. I told her I think others would love to hear those stories too. But, there was no way that we could bring all that stuff out in public.

[00:05:47] So, I asked her to take a picture of the items she loved the most, which, according to her, was everything. The plan was to start with that dress, and then we would put the pictures in an album so she could use them as illustrations for her stories. I was then able to explain to her how memories work, which in turn helped her let go and donate lots of her things. She even donated the all-important purple dress. It took us a whole week and lots of mom patients to get through all the stories. But now, at 14 years old,

[00:06:17] she creates stories and videos with her own art. This is just one way to get creative for how to start the process of removing linking objects that have lost their purpose. What are some other ways you can think of that will help you start to break free from your chains? Could it be setting a date to start and asking a trusted friend to help you? Maybe it will take you setting up an appointment with the grief support specialist to walk you through the process. However you decide to move forward with letting go of linking objects, we encourage you to find support.

[00:06:45] Having that trustworthy person to keep you accountable and feel safe is an important part of the journey. Conclusion Linking objects are things that help keep the memory of a loved one going. They help you feel a special connection to someone who has died. Like life itself, linking objects have a beginning and an end. If you have linking objects that are contributing to feeling stuck in grief, it may be time to ask yourself if the object is no longer fulfilling a purpose. This can be a difficult thing to discern.

[00:07:15] However, the stories and questions to ask yourself here throughout this article can help. It's our hope that you are able to do what you need to do in order to feel like your grief journey has momentum and movement. Sometimes the support from a grief support specialist may be needed. Other times, the letting go of the linking object itself is all you need. You just listened to part two of the post titled Coping with Sentimental Objects After Loss

[00:07:45] by Reed Peterson and Belinda Koch of griefrefuge.com And a great finish from Reed and Belinda today, to no one's surprise. A lot of really important information in both halves of this article that I think can teach us a lot more about how we attach ourselves not only to objects that link us with the deceased, but any meaningful part of our past, really. What of the person who continues to live in the high school glory days, if you will, unwilling to accept the transition into adulthood

[00:08:14] and challenge old beliefs or take pride in who they are now? Does it help for somebody in that position to keep the old sports jerseys around? The old trophies? Maybe, but maybe not. So, if there is any loss you're grieving, not just the loss of a deceased person or a phase you're stuck in, return to this article and see if there's any overlap that could help you. That'll do it for today, though, everyone. This article is officially concluded. Thank you for being here through both parts of it,

[00:08:42] and do be sure to come on back and join again tomorrow. That's where your optimal life awaits.