2588: How to Perfect Your Grief Story by Shelby Forsythia on How to Create Space for Empathy

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[00:00:53] Wie bei Shelby Forsythia von Shelby Forsythia.com Last week on Coming Back, I spoke to Christina Lurchin about her grief story, the loss of her best friend to terminal breast cancer, and the loss of her daughter at 20 weeks. Her friend's diagnosis and her daughter's death were literally back-to-back, and she's learned how to come back from what she refers to as the tornado that was her life.

[00:01:20] In our conversation, we talked about how important it is to share our stories of loss with others. Not only does storytelling relieve us of the burden of carrying our pain alone, but it helps us grow more comfortable talking about our pain in public. In sharing our pain stories with others, we do this small, meaningful, everyday work of breaking down taboos surrounding grief. And through our vulnerability, we remind others of our humanness.

[00:01:49] Simply put, there is value for you and beyond you in sharing your story of pain, loss, or heartache. It's a big reason of why I put my story out there for everyone to see. So, how do we go about sharing our grief stories with others? What do we say? How do we say it? Who do we say it to? Number one. Decide on your grief story. This seems like a no-brainer, but in order to tell a story, you have to decide what it is.

[00:02:18] This step is very basic, but very important. Beginning, middle, and end. Where did it start? What happened in the middle? Where are you now? This can be as simple as, I was 21 when my mom died. Or as detailed as, I was in college when my mom died of breast cancer. It followed my dad having two major brain surgeries, so it was a really scary and heartbreaking time for me. I still have hard days, and worry when one of my family members calls me.

[00:02:47] The best part about being the storyteller is deciding what events, backstory, and details you want to include. In this step, you ask yourself, what am I ready to share? Number two. Decide who you want to share it with. For this part of crafting your grief story, break your recipients down into two categories. People who need to know, and people you want to tell. People who need to know are in close contact with you.

[00:03:16] Their lives will be affected in some way by your loss. They could be your boss, your co-workers, your doctor or therapist, your bank teller, your child care provider, your lawyer, etc. These people, whoever they are, will need to know at least a little bit of what's going on in your life in order to better serve you or accommodate you as you work through it. This need-to-know grief story can be more logical, contain less detail, be very short, etc.

[00:03:45] People you want to tell are the trusted friends and family members that you actually walk through your loss with. These people will get the emotional side of your loss and can help you shoulder some of the pain, the uncertainty, and the heartache you're feeling. They are the people who would sign up to help you in a crisis. Who most supports you? Whose eyes do you want on your heart? Whose hands would you like to catch when you fall? This is your want-to-tell group. These folks can handle, and sometimes even invite,

[00:04:16] gory details, tear-filled text novels, and long, deep conversations. They have your heart and your back. Disclaimer, this is the part where I tell you that you are allowed to have two or more different versions of your grief story. You do not have to disclose the same information to anyone for any reason. Yes, even if they ask you to. Double disclaimer, on top of all this, know that your family can be the recipient of a need-to-know story,

[00:04:45] and your beloved nanny, mail person, professor, can be the recipient of a want-to-tell story. You do not have to keep people at an arm's length because you have a professional or financial relationship with them. Conversely, you do not have to share nitty-gritty details with Aunt Marge just because she's family. In this step, ask yourself, who needs to know, who do I want to tell? Number three, be prepared to actually hold a conversation.

[00:05:14] Once you decide on your grief story and who you want to tell, it's time to actually tell it. But wait, this isn't a one-way telephone. This is a conversation with another human being. You're going to talk, they're going to say something, and you're going to have to say something back. This is a wonderful time to have some canned or prepped responses to anticipate what the other person is going to say. If the person says, wow, I'm so sorry, that seems so hard, maybe you say,

[00:05:43] thank you for saying that. It was really hard. I've made a lot of adjustments since. If the person says, well, you know, everything happens for a reason, maybe you say, that might be true for you, but I'm still working it out for myself. If the person says, my cousin's wife's mother experienced the same thing, and they learned XYZ from their doctor, have you tried that? Maybe you say, thanks for your suggestion, but my husband and I are making the decision we feel our best right now.

[00:06:13] In this step, ask yourself, what's the worst that somebody could say? What will people probably say? What would I expect a loved one to say? And prep short, clear responses for addressing each of those answers. Having these follow-up responses in your back pocket can remove a lot of the anxiety that comes with sharing your lost story with another person. Some people choose to tell loved ones first because they are emotionally safe. Some people choose to tell totally anonymous strangers first,

[00:06:42] a crisis line or a customer service rep, because if they're nervous, it doesn't matter as much. Some people choose to tell an acquaintance, like a familiar grocery store clerk first, because they're close to home without being too close to home. The choice is up to you. Through all three of these steps and in your conversations beyond them, remember, bravery, vulnerability, and resilience come to us with practice, not time. Grief is hard already,

[00:07:11] so talking about it can be awkward and difficult and uncomfortable. There will be moments you wish you hadn't shared your story. There will be responses you aren't prepared for. And there will be people who don't know how to react appropriately to your pain. But what I will tell you, grief growers, is that the process of sharing your story helps you grow. It gets you to shed a light on your grief and asks you to really get intentional with how your story has influenced you and your life.

[00:07:43] You just listened to the post titled How to Perfect Your Grief Story by Shelby Forsythia of shelbyforsythia.com And thanks so much to Shelby for sharing today. I really love the anticipatory part of this article. That kind of preparing for the grieving process, which we have talked about a few times on the show. But there is a fine line, right? It can be really helpful to have some responses stored up, as she suggests. But it's also important to be mindful of the fact that

[00:08:13] sometimes in the face of strong grief, you can have new realizations and someone might say exactly the right thing, something you weren't expecting. It might not seem possible to have a completely open mind when grieving or possible to give your full energy and attention to everyone that's reaching out, which is why it can be great to kind of prepare in advance and preserve your energy in the moment. But doing this too much also runs the risk of not feeling the true impact

[00:08:43] of the support you're getting or again, not being open to some potentially helpful counsel that you might get during that time. So, like we see in many situations, when talking to people while you're in a state of grief, we want to seek that line between our own self-care but also challenging ourselves a bit to be present and grounded and ready to receive whatever comes to us. Okay, and that'll be it for today, friends. I appreciate you being here and I appreciate you listening through to the end.

[00:09:12] It always means a lot. And of course, I hope to see you again tomorrow as we start our Parenting Leg of the Week. That's where your optimal life awaits.