2591: Sharpening the Point Until You Miss It by Keith Wilson on Love and Frustration

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[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Sharpening the Point Until You Miss It. By Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com There are two ways of asking for what you want. You can be broad or you can be precise. It is possible to be too broad or too precise. Let's say you've been together for years and you've become vaguely dissatisfied. Nothing really bad has happened between you, but nothing exciting has happened either.

[00:01:24] One year goes by after another and it's the same thing. The fire's gone out, the passion is quenched, you're feeling taken for granted. You could complain, but what could you say? He may not know what you're talking about. He may not know what to do about it. Your dissatisfaction is pretty vague. So, you sharpen your point and you be specific. You identify what could make you feel warmer towards your partner and what makes you go cold. You come up with some specific things and complain about them directly.

[00:01:54] You never bring me flowers anymore. You never talk about how you feel. You never thank me for all the things I do for you. And so on. That's getting pretty specific. It gives him something to work on, some concrete examples, and it gives you a solid standard so that you can measure progress or stagnation. If you've never operationalized your dissatisfaction in this way, you should do so, if only so you can clarify what it is that you want.

[00:02:21] But, don't confuse bringing flowers, talking about his feelings, and expressing gratitude with what you want. These are the symbols of what you want, not the actual thing. Chances are, if he dutifully starts bringing you flowers, talks about his feelings, and thanks you for everything, you'll be very happy that he listened to you. You'll enjoy the flowers, you'll learn a lot about his feelings, and know that he notices all the little favors that you do for him.

[00:02:47] But, there will be something missing. For one thing, you had to ask for those flowers, those feelings, and that gratitude. It's not the same thing as when they come unexpected. But furthermore, all the things you ask for don't quite cover the dissatisfaction you feel. They are examples of your dissatisfaction, but not the totality of it. To better understand the phenomena of dissatisfaction or wanting, let's say you're hungry.

[00:03:14] Before you can actually eat, you must take this hunger and be more precise. What are you hungry for? When you have an image of just the thing that would satisfy your hunger, you know what to do. You go to your kitchen and you make it. You must first transform a vague hunger into a concrete hunger for something in particular. This is why taking your broad complaint of dissatisfaction and turning it into a specific complaint of no flowers, no talking, and no gratitude is helpful.

[00:03:41] But, let's say you're hungry, and you start to imagine how beef boujignon would be great right now. That's pretty specific. That specificity directs you to find your recipe and assemble the necessary ingredients. If you don't have any burgundy in your wine rack and you can be flexible, you settle for a beef stew. But, to the extent that you crave beef boujignon, nothing else will do.

[00:04:04] When you cling to a specific solution to your problem, have a craving, in other words, you start to lose touch with reality. As you form a picture of yourself eating beef boujignon, the rich browns, the pungent smells, the complex tastes almost become real to you. Your mouth waters. As you imagine yourself eating it, you're an omnipotent, satiated hedonist. You leap over obstacles and evade frustration rather than settling for anything else.

[00:04:33] You replace uncertainty with certainty. You're triumphant. This triumph is a form of magic. The original hunger is still there. There is only an illusion of success over it. You enact a childish view of what it means to be satisfied. You seem to prevail over your need for food. The problem is, the more you crave beef boujignon, the less you'll be satisfied with anything else.

[00:04:57] You may not even enjoy the boujignon, if you get it, because the actual dish can never compete with your fantasy of it, except for the fact that you can actually eat it. Craving begins as a flight from wanting, but it makes the wanting all the more problematic. Craving steals your hunger and preempts it with a ready-made, uncompromisable solution. When the solution to hunger is a craving for something specific, it becomes more of a problem than hunger itself.

[00:05:24] The same thing happens if you cling to that idea that, if he only will bring you flowers, you'll feel excited again. The flowers become greater than any actual flowers can match. The point is, if you're hungry, go ahead and imagine what will be good to eat. Look in your cupboards and see what you can prepare. If you don't create a picture of what will satisfy your hunger, you could starve to death. But don't get too attached to that picture, or you'll waste away and you can't get exactly what you want.

[00:05:52] In the same way, make concrete what you want from your relationship. But don't get too attached to the forms of those wants. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you might find you get what you need. You just listened to the post titled, Sharpening the Point Until You Miss It, by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com. And thanks a lot to Keith today.

[00:06:21] I always love both how he writes and the messages that he conveys. It's a really impactful read today, I think, as we all know how frustrating it can be to want something from our partners, yet not know how to ask for it. Because sometimes we do fall under that illusion of what exactly it is that we're after. I think he summed it up well at the end there. And I would also encourage everyone to leave room for surprise.

[00:06:48] That's to say, look for ways that your partner might be showing you love in a way that they feel is valuable. Even if it's not something that you've asked for, or something that immediately jumps out at you, or instinctually jumps out at you as a strong act of love. If we investigate these little nuanced attempts at affection, we can at least be reminded of our partner's intentions.

[00:07:12] And sometimes it sure is refreshing to just feel more certain that we are being cared for, even if it isn't in the way that we would ask to be. Surely some more discussion and compromise would be best after such a realization, but it's absolutely a step in the right direction. So that's going to do it for today, everybody. As always, I really appreciate you coming here, especially on a weekend. So enjoy the rest of your day. Share this episode with someone who you might think would enjoy it. And I'll talk to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.

[00:07:42] Let's see.