2594: [Part 1] 5 Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy by Kyle Benson of Gottman

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[00:00:49] Das ist Optimal Relationships Daily. 5 Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy. Part 1. By Kyle Benson of Gottman.com. Relationship Challenges are inevitable. When both partners are willing to face the challenges hand in hand and work together to find win-win solutions, most problems can be managed. But sometimes couples lack the skills and tools to work through even solvable problems in their relationship.

[00:01:19] As unresolved issues, poor relationship habits, and emotional disconnection compound, the stability and spark in the relationship begin to fade. At this stage, one partner may be eager to get some support because they know the relationship would benefit from the guidance of a professional perspective. Yet the other half of the partnership is refusing to attend. When approaching your partner about attending couples therapy, you're likely to meet resistance.

[00:01:47] Some people have misconceptions about couples therapy. They may fear exposing their flaws and feeling vulnerable. Or they may believe therapy will turn them into a punching bag for the therapist and their partner. Some couples may use therapy as a last-ditch effort rather than a preventative approach to improving their relationship. Dr. Gottman's research on thousands of couples concluded that couples often wait six years before seeking help with their marital issues.

[00:02:13] Sometimes the therapist is contacted after one party is already emotionally separated from the relationship. And that makes for an extreme challenge. It's really difficult to get someone to commit to something if both feet are already out the door. Indeed, a lack of commitment from one or both partners can be a reason why therapy fails. However, for the couples who are willing to commit and work through issues, there is hope. Dr. Gottman says,

[00:02:40] even a marriage that is about to hit rock bottom can be revived with the right intervention. The goal of this article is to offer you a strategy to open your partner up to the possibility of joining you of their own free will in attending couples therapy. You'll also learn some couples therapy skills that may improve your relationship right away. Step 1. Connect emotionally. Saying something like, We need serious help during a fight with your partner is not going to motivate your partner to attend couples therapy.

[00:03:11] Becoming angry and manipulating them into going will lead to resentment and withdrawal, undermining the effectiveness of the therapy. You need to be smart about when and how you bring up the idea. As you'll learn in couples therapy, it's not what you fight about, but how you fight that determines the success of a conflict conversation. Dr. Gottman's research highlights that when a partner starts a conversation aggressively, it will likely end aggressively 96% of the time.

[00:03:38] Before proposing couples therapy, it's vital that you first connect with your partner emotionally. Make them feel appreciated and cared for. Maybe even have some fun. Here are some ideas. Watch a comedy show together. Cook dinner with them. Do a fun activity like playing a card game or miniature golf. Verbalize five things to your partner that you appreciate about them. By doing this, you're helping your partner feel like they matter to you,

[00:04:06] which will support them in being more open, calm, and receptive. When you do have this conversation, make sure you do it at a time that is convenient for them. Don't do it right before work or when they're stressed out or exhausted. This will backfire on you. The calmer and more relaxed they are, the easier it'll be. Step two. Proposing the conversation. Now it's time to ask if they want to talk about your relationship. Here's a three-step example. One.

[00:04:36] Honey, I want to have a conversation with you about what you want for our relationship. Two. I want to feel like you're enough for me, accepted for who you are, and like this is a great relationship for you. Three. Would you be willing to have a quick conversation with me? When you do this, and for all the following steps, make sure you speak in a gentle voice that focuses on sharing your experience. Doing so will keep your partner relaxed and prevent them from going into defensive mode.

[00:05:06] If you know your partner is resistant to talking about anything regarding your relationship, you can write a loving letter using the ideas in this article. Such a letter can be particularly helpful with an avoidant partner, as it gives them time to process and move forward on their own terms. However, the letter should be worded in such a way as to invite a conversation, not replace it. If you are an anxious partner, it's helpful to focus on saying no more than three sentences and then pausing when proposing the idea of attending couples therapy together,

[00:05:36] giving your partner time and space to respond. Anxious lovers enjoy talking everything out, but when left to their own devices, they tend to repeat themselves, sometimes for 10 to 15 minutes, before giving their partner a chance to say anything. Doing so sabotages your chance of getting your partner to want to listen to you, because they'll feel overwhelmed and like they're not a part of what feels like a unilateral conversation. Step 3. Find the gap. Now that both of you are sitting down to talk,

[00:06:07] focus on learning more about your partner's view of the relationship and what they want. It'll be impossible to inspire them to attend couples therapy if they don't know what they want out of the relationship and can't see how therapy will help them have a better relationship with you. This can be initiated with the question, Sweetheart, I'm curious. If our relationship was good, what would our relationship feel like for you? What might we do more of or less of? How might we do things differently? Your partner might say,

[00:06:37] I want you to stop causing all these fights. You always have an issue. If your partner starts blaming you, realize this is an expression of their pain and seek to find what Dr. Gottman calls the hidden need. Focus on listening non-defensively by reflecting and empathizing with your partner's underlying feelings and ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding of what your partner is saying. Respond to any accusations with a tone of gentleness and curiosity.

[00:07:05] I hear you saying you're burnt out from us fighting all the time. Me too. If we were to resolve our problems and stop fighting all the time, how do you think that would change our relationship? Once you have an understanding of what your partner wants in the relationship, begin searching for what's holding your relationship back from being that way right now. I totally understand how difficult all this fighting is for you. I'm curious. What do you think is stopping our relationship from having fewer fights,

[00:07:34] resolving our issues, and enjoying each other more? Truly listen non-defensively about what they believe is in the way. It may be different from your own conclusions. That's normal. If you feel like you're not understanding the blocks your partner is expressing, then focus on reflecting what your partner is saying, empathizing, and asking more open-ended questions. To be continued. You just listened to part one of the post titled,

[00:08:04] Five Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy, by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap, without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR,

[00:08:34] and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And this one is sure off to a great start. Many thanks to Kyle for the tips he's already offered. I'm going to save the bulk of my thoughts for tomorrow's commentary once we've heard the whole article, but I would like to point out that the way Kyle is helping us to strategize when and how we bring up this difficult topic is really no different than how we may want to consider bringing up any sensitive issue with our partners, or anyone really.

[00:09:01] It's important to remain cognizant of not only how you want to express yourself, but also how the other person is most likely to receive your message. Consider their needs, or consider how you best respond to difficult requests. Is it when you're being blamed? No. Is it in the middle of an argument? No. Is it when you don't have a chance to offer your thoughts? Probably not.

[00:09:26] So, for as much relief as there can be when we finally say something that's weighing heavy on us, and for as easy as it is to just run on adrenaline when doing so, there is still an important tactical part of making sure that the other half of this conversation, our partners, are also being looked after, and feeling as though they are respected rather than cornered. Food for thought, my friends. I'm going to get out of here now,

[00:09:52] but I do look forward to sharing the rest of this post and seeing you tomorrow for part two. So, be sure to stop in then for the conclusion where your optimal life awaits. Food for thought, my friends.