2595: [Part 2] 5 Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy by Kyle Benson of Gottman

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. 5 Steps to inspire your partner to join you in attending couples therapy. Part 2. By Kyle Benson of Gottman.com. Step 4. Bridge the couple's chasm. Now, you want to bridge the gap between where you are now to the type of relationship you and your partner want. When doing this, focus the conversation on wanting to improve your relationship, not on changing your partner.

[00:01:29] No one likes to feel like they need to be fixed. Often the problem isn't the person, but rather the patterns of interaction partners create together. You're going to have more success highlighting that couples therapy is about changing the patterns, repairing your bond, and strengthening your relationship. Rather than, you are a broken partner who needs help. Name the benefits your partner and you could have if you attended couples therapy in terms of what you both want for the relationship.

[00:01:57] Sweetheart, I want us to attend couples therapy that's designed to help us communicate better. I'm excited about it because I think it'll help me understand more about you and how I can be a better partner. If we do it, I think we'll have fewer fights, more intimacy, and feel happier around each other. Does that sound like the relationship you want? Step 5. Invite. Now it's time to invite them to attend couples therapy with you in an open way that does not pressure them to participate.

[00:02:27] We want to request our partners to join us, rather than demand it of them. Dr. Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication, highlights that requests become demands when our partners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they don't comply. With a demand, our partners only have two options, submission or rebellion. Thus, you will want to present couples therapy as a choice they have. I love you, and our relationship is very important to me.

[00:02:56] I think couples therapy could stop the nasty fighting and allow us to grow closer together and feel happier. I'd love for you to join me, but you're free to say no if you choose. Their response could be something like one of the following. Yes, I have questions. No. If yes, give them a kiss and say, I'm committed to being a better partner so we can create more of what you're looking for in our relationship. If they have questions, do your best to answer them.

[00:03:25] And if you're not sure, say, I'm not 100% sure. Let's read something online or contact a therapist to get an idea. If their response is no, don't take your disappointment out on them. Instead, say, Thank you for having an honest conversation with me. This will shock them, because they will be anticipating punishment and pressure. Navigating no. If your partner says no, make it clear to them that you respect their choice and want to understand why.

[00:03:55] Would you be willing to share why you're choosing not to do couples therapy? I think it'd really help. And maybe you don't. So, can you explain, please? Do your best to address their concerns openly and honestly without pressuring them. If you think you've understood them well, you can follow up and ask. After getting your concerns cleared up, would you be willing to reconsider attending couples therapy? If they say no again, then allow the conversation to end and tell them that you respect their choice and that you love them.

[00:04:25] Your partner will likely marinate on the idea for a few days. Helpful tips. Be patient. Your partner may change their mind if you honor their choice to attend couples therapy. Focus on being the change you wish to see in their relationship. Doing so may inspire them to want to make more progress with you. As 50% of the partnership, a change in your behavior has a lot of power to influence a change in the relationship. Listen to your partner's concerns without thinking about how to respond.

[00:04:55] Reflect their concerns or responses back to them and ask them two questions. Is there more to why you do not want to try it? And if they say there isn't, ask, Do you feel I understand your concerns? Verifying that you understand them will help build trust and get you closer to truly understanding your partner's perspective on couples therapy. Most importantly, empathize with your partner's pain, frustrations, and worries. Common concerns about couples therapy

[00:05:24] and how to respond. We can't afford it. Let's look for a therapist with lower fees or get creative with different expenses that we can cut out to attend. I don't need therapy. Would you be open to attending a workshop instead of therapy? If you attend a workshop and the skills learned still are not being implemented by you and your partner, it's a great segue into bringing up private couples therapy for personalized guidance. The therapist and you will team up on me. That's not true.

[00:05:53] I am a part of this relationship and the therapist is going to be a neutral party that doesn't take sides. I'm positive there are things I can do better in this relationship and I'm eager for the therapist to point this out. Remember, you want your partner to feel like they are part of this decision, not being thrust into a decision without a say. Couples therapy is incredibly helpful and most therapists are willing to answer any questions or concerns you and your partner might have about the beginning of the process.

[00:06:20] Make sure your partner knows that the therapist is a trained professional with specific couples therapy training and is there to help support you both. You just listened to part two of the post titled Five Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com. So an awesome finish to today's article from Kyle.

[00:06:47] I really love all the open-ended conversation he's encouraging and guiding us on how to do. And one thing to touch upon that might make your partner feel more at ease are the ways in which you could see yourself improving as a partner. He does mention that, but it seems like it is more of a separate response if your initial request is met with a no. And I feel it could be a good point to bring up sooner, if necessary. It's very noble to present the idea of therapy.

[00:07:15] And by doing so, you may have a partner who mistakes you for someone who feels as though they've done nothing wrong in the relationship. Of course, you don't want to manipulate or fabricate your true feelings behind why you think couples therapy is a good idea. But if there are certain things that you either feel you're doing wrong or at least things that you could understand why they would upset your partner, addressing them briefly in this opening conversation

[00:07:42] could be really disarming and a further example of how you're also willing to take responsibility for the relationship not being in an ideal place. This is just one of many ways to really double down on the team element of couples therapy because this fear of being a punching bag, as Kyle mentioned, could be something your partner feels to a degree just in you requesting that you two attend couples therapy. So something to think about. That wraps us up though, everybody.

[00:08:11] I really appreciate you staying and listening for parts one and two. It was surely a great article and I hope it helps anyone who's considering seeing a therapist with their partner. So look, enjoy the rest of your day. Thanks again for stopping in and do be sure to do the same tomorrow where I will have another great post for you and where your optimal life awaits.