2601: Things to Try if You Don't Feel Heard: 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling

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[00:00:30] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Things to Try if You Dont Feel Heard, 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com

[00:01:00] Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you've tried everything you can to explain how you're feeling and your partner still doesn't hear you. I often hear my clients report that their biggest complaint in their relationship is that they aren't being heard. They feel they communicate effectively and express themselves clearly. So what's the problem?

[00:01:24] There's most likely a disconnect because your partner's perception is totally different or they don't know what to do with the information you're expressing. We may not intend to do this, but we often end up trying to change our partner's perception when we aren't feeling validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right.

[00:01:44] The reality is, neither of you are right. But, both of you are valid. When we struggle with being heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don't have any control over how others perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability and detach from our partner's response if they have a reaction that isn't fulfilling to us.

[00:02:05] We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling triggered, and they have their own demons they're battling. If they are reactive to our feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep-seated struggles. This doesn't give anyone a free pass to be abusive. But if you perceive your partner is guarded, defensive, attacking, or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without personalizing it.

[00:02:33] Their reaction may not have everything to do with us. 1. Things to try if you don't feel heard. Exercise your emotional intelligence. It's essential to know what you're feeling. Seems simple enough, but oftentimes we don't really know what we're feeling. We just know we're uncomfortable. This leads us to subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are disappointed when they don't fulfill our needs.

[00:03:01] Understanding our own vulnerable emotions is crucial for your partner to fully understand them too. How helpful would it be for you to be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with your partner, when you project that they are looking at a stranger with a wandering eye? 2. Things to try if you don't feel heard. Don't default to anger. When we feel dismissed, it's hard not to default to anger.

[00:03:28] Anger is a special emotion because it protects our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities, or hurt to your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner's defense mechanisms, and you won't end up feeling heard anyway. 3. Things to try if you don't feel heard. Be aware of your accusations.

[00:03:55] I often hear my clients say to their partners, I've told you so many times that it upsets me when you continue to act aggressive when I'm trying to express myself. You apparently don't care or listen. As an objective party, I can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing that their tolerance is low, that they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad.

[00:04:19] As an objective party, I can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion, because the stance is accusatory, and it's being expressed from anger. Now we get caught in a dance of arguing about who's right, because most likely your partner wants to, naturally, defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don't agree with. So, if you want your partner to understand you and not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you're expressing your perspective.

[00:04:50] The second you accuse, like saying, you did dot dot dot, or you always do this dot dot dot, that's the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It's important to try to express your perception by expressing like this. Maybe this isn't your intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected. Number four, things to try if you don't feel heard. Practice humility.

[00:05:20] Humility is important in a partnership. It requires that you look into the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you aren't right, or maybe you aren't being vulnerable. It helps us to take ownership of our behavior when our behavior isn't congruent to our feelings. It's important to confront your partner with humility and own your projections when you can't catch them in the moment. For example, I'm sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don't intentionally mean to dismiss me.

[00:05:48] I'm really hurt and feel disconnected from you. And instead of saying that, I got angry. Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect, and hurt feelings. Number five, things to try if you don't feel heard. Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their intentions. Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner's moods or reactions.

[00:06:16] If you try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you've created about your partner's intentions. For example, He doesn't really care about me. Or, She is so needy or selfish. Our attempts to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual

[00:06:42] because we have stopped trying to see our partner with compassion and understanding. For example, Maybe he doesn't listen to me at times because he's under a lot of pressure and feels like he's failing at everything. When I tell him I'm hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again. Or, She feels so disconnected from everyone right now, and it must be really difficult for her to feel disconnected from me. She just misses me. In a partnership,

[00:07:10] we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. You just listened to the post titled, Things to Try If You Don't Feel Heard, Five Ways to Express Yourself Differently by Alicia Janney of ModernLoveCounseling.com And a wonderful one from Alicia today. Thanks to her for that.

[00:07:38] It really is so amazing how, even when we take the hard steps of expressing ourselves and speaking openly, there can still be so much work required to ensure that we're expressing ourselves in a healthy way, that we're being respectful of others, that we're being clear, that we properly understand our feelings that we're expressing. And the list goes on. A lot of that requires self-work that is well worth the time. But as far as our partners go,

[00:08:06] a good way of helping them understand your point, or perhaps more importantly for them, helping them understand the role they play, is by checking in with them about what you need from them. As you're trying to express something important, consider telling your partner, I need you to listen, or I want your advice. I want to know if you feel the same. I want to know if you are seeing something that I'm not. And, you know, sometimes we don't always quite know,

[00:08:34] or at least haven't pinpointed what we want from our partners when expressing ourselves. But being aware of this before talking with them can be really helpful, and give us better insight into where the feelings are coming from in many cases. So take that with you, everyone, and best of luck. I'm going to skedaddle for now, but I thank you for being here and listening until the end. And I hope you'll come back again tomorrow for the Monday show, where I'll have more great content for you, and where your optimal life awaits. Travel Sports Thank you.