2602: How Long Should I Wait for Him Before I’m Wasting My Time by Evan Marc Katz on Dating Advice

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[00:00:57] I'm 30 years old, divorced with no kids, smart, pretty, not only on the outside but on the inside too, so people tell me. Very family-oriented, and have great values. I followed your advice from A to Z, and God has it helped. But now I'm extremely puzzled and need your advice.

[00:01:16] Less than a month ago, I started dating a guy who, according to my mother, I shouldn't even be dating because he's way too good-looking, and guys like that don't like to be in steady relationships. Anyway, I try to think about what you've said about your wife, how at the beginning she wasn't the type of girl you were used to dating, and I followed every step you talk about when it comes to her.

[00:01:38] Be cool, calm, and collected. From day one, this guy and I had a great chemistry, in the sense that we truly enjoy each other's company. He is the one that calls me, even if I'm like dying to call, I wait for his call. He is the one that talks about seeing each other, and so on. No intimacy yet, as I want to get to know him a little better. Well, last night he told me that he's starting to genuinely like me, and that concerned him, because as perfect as that is, it's not a good idea.

[00:02:08] As far as I know, I'm the only person he's dating. He told me that it wasn't supposed to happen that way, nor was he supposed to feel so comfortable around me. So my question to you, Evan, is this normal, or is this a red flag? I really like this guy, and I don't want to mess things up. So, I just smiled and avoided getting too deep in the subject, as I noticed he was a bit stressed over it. I remember what you said about your wife, that she never asked where you guys were headed.

[00:02:34] I know you're super busy, but I've come such a long way, and I'm so proud of myself with all the changes I've made since I started reading your newsletters, that I don't want to do or say the wrong thing here. What does it mean when he said that? Thank you so much, and may God bless you, your wife, and your beautiful baby that's about to come. Mary Dear Mary, thank you for your very kind words. I'm genuinely thrilled that you're seeing positive changes in your love life since you started reading.

[00:03:02] And I chose your letter out of the hundreds of emails I get each month, because I find it infinitely more challenging to take on a situation that is not all black and white. In fact, I'm guessing everyone listening to this has been in the exact same position as you with the exact same question. How long do I invest in a man before I panic that I'm wasting my time? And try though I might, this isn't something that can easily be reduced to a simple science, because each individual man has his own unique set of issues.

[00:03:31] What I will remind you of is the newsletter that I wrote less than six months ago, which proclaimed, Believe the negatives, ignore the positives. What I meant by that is that many women have willingly entered into new relationships and passionate affairs based on their feelings alone. The breathless waiting for his call, the physical need to touch him, the giddiness he inspires when you're together, etc. All the while conveniently ignoring the fact that he said at the very beginning,

[00:04:00] I'm not looking for a relationship right now. So, he feels like he's off the hook, because he told you the truth in the first place. You forget that he doesn't want to be anybody's boyfriend because of how you feel when you're together. And one day, when you start to wonder where things are going, he reminds you of that conversation you had in your first week, where he laid down the law. Every woman who proceeds to date a guy who isn't looking for anything serious or deeper commitment

[00:04:27] is essentially driving over the orange cones and through the yellow tape that signified danger and wondering why she always gets into an accident. You ignored the warning signs, such as, I don't want a girlfriend. What did you expect? This isn't a matter of defending guys who date you even when they're emotionally unavailable. This is merely pointing out that it happens all the time. You're Miss Right now. You want to be Miss Right, but he's not currently taking applications for that position.

[00:04:57] Then why does he act so open? Why does he call me? Why does he treat me so well? Why does he hint at a future? There are a couple of very reasonable answers to this question, but the primary ones are, one, it's in his best interest to treat you well. What possible purpose would it serve for him to be rude to you? Do you think that's a proper way to treat somebody? Of course not. So he calls you because he wants to see you. He sleeps with you because he's attracted to you. And he talks about falling in love one day,

[00:05:27] because he wants to fall in love one day. It's completely possible to do all of these things and still not want to have a serious committed relationship right this second. And that's what you're seeing over and over. Two, he doesn't know what he wants. You should understand this, because half the time you don't know what you want either. Do you want the exciting guy who leaves you breathless? The safe guy who treats you like gold and always lets you know where you stand?

[00:05:55] Do you want wild, unattached flings? Or to date around to explore your options while you focus on yourself and your career? Confusion and ambivalence are human traits, not just male ones. He may feel very well that he's not ready for love or a committed relationship right now, and still legitimately be falling in love with you. So, what do you do, Mary? You take it all in. You don't make any rash decisions. You let him reveal himself in his actions and not just his words.

[00:06:24] You continue to be the woman that no man can leave. And you pay attention to the signs that he's not ready for deeper commitment. His anxiety, where he's at in his career, how old he is, whether his friends are happily married, what he wants in the long run. If you see too many red flags, you get out. But, if you're happy and he's happy, he may just be adjusting to the present moment, his new reality, that he is ready for love. With you.

[00:06:54] Give him a chance before you bail on him. The only way it can happen is if you let it happen, not if you pull the plug. You just listened to the post titled How long should I wait for him before I'm wasting my time? By Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkatz.com Wenn jemand Charles und Melanie gesagt hätte, dass sie nach ihrem Tinder-Match gemeinsam einen Channel mit crazy Aufgaben starten,

[00:07:24] also wirklich crazy, fünf Tage auf einer einsamen Insel verbringen, eine Zipline an einem Gurt runterrasen, eine Million Views knacken, eine Wand mit Saugnäpfen hochklettern und Fallschirm springen in Ägypten? Das hätten die beiden niemals geglaubt. Aber das ist das Ding mit Tinder. Es führt dich an Orte, die du nie erwartet hättest. Wohin es dich aufführt. It starts with a swipe. Tinder. Hey Sandra, wir haben uns ja lange nicht mehr gesehen. Grüß dich, Nadine. Mensch, du siehst ja toll aus. Ja, danke.

[00:07:54] Ich hab mein Plus fürs gesündere Ich entdeckt. Was? Komm, ich zeig's dir. Die Bewegungskurse der AOK Plus. Kostenfrei für AOK Plus Versicherte. Entdecke dein Plus fürs gesündere Ich und starte mit unserem Selfcheck. Ganz einfach online auf AOK.de. Aus Liebe zur Gesundheit. AOK Plus. And thanks a lot to Evan for this post. I really like how he ended this one.

[00:08:20] Yes, sometimes, oftentimes, we grow into new roles and desires in life that we may not have initially wanted. Our plans, our biases go by the wayside when we encounter experiences that are strong enough to shift our thinking. This is true for everyone, and it can happen in any facet of life, including dating, despite the fact that we talk so much about the need for certainty in relationships. Yeah, it can be a nice thing, maybe even ideal.

[00:08:50] But the road to falling in love, as well as the road to happily or unhappily being single, is different for everyone. When we release the story that we must know what we want or stick to what we say, we give everyone, ourselves included, space to be the fleeting people that we are. Expectations are lowered and acceptance is gained. Yes, we must set boundaries for ourselves at some points, especially when dating, and Evan alluded to the signs of no commitment to look out for.

[00:09:19] But we can do that while also knowing that people can and do change so long as they're willing to try things. It can be complicated, yes, but the complication is much less stressful when we choose to allow it. And that's it for me, friends. Thanks a lot for joining today and making another episode possible. Hope your week gets off to a great start, and I hope you'll come back again tomorrow for another post. That's where your optimal life awaits.