2603: [Part 1] This is My Marriage Not Yours by Kristena Eden of Core Living Essentials on Emotional Health

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. This is my marriage, not yours. Part 1. By Christina Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com. Question. This same comment came from both the husband and the wife. He or she just doesn't seem to care. There's not enough tenderness or support, and there's no connection, just loneliness.

[00:01:24] Answer. There are probably a lot of couples feeling the same way. Why is that? Why would two people in the same relationship feel that same loss? Is there a solution for both of them? This problem presents two main principles. The first is our expectations in a relationship, and the second is self-deception. Both of these principles are based in fear of not being good enough, and fear of loss. How hard is it to show love to others when you feel empty too?

[00:01:53] To find a solution to that last question, let's look at each principle separately. Expectations. We often tell ourselves that if we lower our expectations, then others will never reach their potential. In reality, this isn't true. It sounds right, yet it really does not inspire others to improve. In most cases, it causes anxiety and further enhances their feelings of not being good enough. Try using the term managing our expectations.

[00:02:22] You've probably heard the phrase that if you expect a fish to climb a tree, you'll be very disappointed. The catch to the phrase is that we also need to keep in mind that the fish is no less a fish if he can't climb a tree. He's still an amazing fish. We are still amazing people, even if we fall short of an expectation. We all have expectations in our lives, what we want out of life, who we want to become, and even what our partners should be.

[00:02:48] But really, a large part of personal happiness is in managing our expectation of people and circumstances. Let's make our expectations real. One major challenge we face in life is learning to accept people for who they really are. Our expectations of another person will not change who a person really is. When our expectations are too high or even too low, it really causes us more pain and disappointment.

[00:03:13] Being more realistic with our partner's abilities can make us happier and can relieve a huge burden we feel we carry. Every one of us has gifts or intelligences. Yes, we can learn more about other intelligences. Yet, we do have some that are uniquely ours. For example, 1. Musicians seem to have an amazing gift to understand music, to feel the music, and to share what they do. We can't all be concert pianists.

[00:03:43] 2. Kinesthetic. Those are the people that make a lot of money playing ball. How many of us can make a living with how we'll handle a ball? There are a good many of us that are not sure what to do with the ball if we had one in our hands. 3. Emotional intelligence. The ability to understand and manage our own emotions and the emotions in others. It's very true that a lot of people lack the ability to be aware of their own emotions, and they lack the ability to see emotion in others.

[00:04:11] This is one area we should cultivate. It may not be possible for some to improve in this area, yet we can all learn more about empathy and understanding. The list of gifts continues infinitely. Think about your gifts. Is it making friends, cooking, fishing, organizing, public speaking, teaching children, sewing, artistic, or something else? Let's look at some hardcore examples of what I discussed previously. For example,

[00:04:39] If you're married to a person for 17 years, and your spouse still won't take the garbage out until you nag them to death, try to see if it's just that they're not capable of seeing what needs to be done. Or, if they only sent you flowers when you were dating, but not anymore. They may not have the ability to see that it makes you happy. This would be a good time to stop and make a list of his or her abilities and your abilities. Ask yourself some of these questions.

[00:05:06] How can you use these differences to enhance your marriage instead of putting a wedge in it? Is this where chores and obligations need to be changed? Is this where we need enlightenment or more instruction from others? According to your gifts, what needs to be changed? This is the same principle for expectations for ourselves. Are we accepting something different than what we were meant to be? What do you love doing? What is a struggle? What do you need to learn?

[00:05:34] What do you need to let go of? These questions and ideas are a great topic of discussion for the two of you. Do it and build a stronger connection. Working together on our struggles makes us stronger if we allow it. If we fight against that by continuing to expect more than can be given, we also weaken ourselves. The strongest people are those who learn to understand others and give when needed and teach when needed. When things do not work out the way we'd planned,

[00:06:01] it's much more beneficial to realize that this is how life works rather than becoming frustrated at the situation. Life will always throw us a curveball. Give without expectation, accept without reservation, and love unconditionally. To be continued. You just listened to part one of the post titled This is My Marriage, Not Yours by Christina Eden of corelivingessentials.com

[00:06:31] And a big thank you to Christina. This post is off to a great start, and I'm looking forward to seeing what else she has in store when we continue tomorrow. She's already set the stage for us to manage expectations, obviously, which is of crucial importance. But one thing I'll leave you with is the reminder that the expectations we put on anyone in our lives are not arrived at so easily. There's a lot that goes into why we develop the expectations that we do,

[00:06:58] and therefore, the better we understand our motivations behind concocting our specific sets of expectations, the easier it is to manage them. We might get better ideas of where we're being unrealistic, how we can look for healthier outlets, etc. So, consider this as a part of the work when you and your partner, or you on your own, seek to explore and manage your expectations. But like I said, more tomorrow, so have a great rest of your day, everyone, and do be sure to come back for that part two.

[00:07:27] I'll see you there, where your optimal life awaits. Let's see you there,