2604: [Part 2] This is My Marriage Not Yours by Kristena Eden of Core Living Essentials on Authentic Connections

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, This is My Marriage Not Yours, Part 2 by Kristena Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com Self-Deception None of us like to think of ourselves as selfish. We can easily see it when others are selfish, yet in ourselves, we often view our actions as standing up for ourselves, and that everyone else should see life the way we do. Facts are facts, right? Or is some of that opinion?

[00:00:29] When we can't or won't try to see another point of view, we deceive ourselves. We even have a tendency to lie to ourselves about the smallest details, self-deception. For example, how much we really ate today, or how much we really spent on an item. How many of us put down our real height and weight on our driver's license? We lie to ourselves because we don't want to admit the truth and deal with the consequences.

[00:00:55] We, in our deepest hiding places, constantly feel we are not good enough, yet we do not want others to know that. We are imperfect, yet we like to think that at least we're more perfect than others. We would never make that big of a mistake.

[00:01:10] We learn cognitive distortion at a young age, which is irrational in the way we think. A child two years of age scribbled on his mother's couch with a marker. The mother screams at him, grabs the marker away, and may even say you're a bad boy and then spank him. He could interpret that in many ways.

[00:01:27] One, he's bad. Two, markers are scary. Three, his mother doesn't like his artwork. Four, or maybe that markers are very harmful objects. When he grows up and he's in junior high and the kids in his class start throwing markers around the room and he freaks out and hides under his desk, that seems very illogical.

[00:01:46] Yet, if you knew how he was thinking, it would make sense. He was acting out his deeply hidden fears. The fears in reality were not grounded in truth, yet that was what he experienced and believed. How many of our beliefs about life and ourselves are hidden in misinterpretation? We at times believe that how we feel is reality. That, again, could be a lie we're telling ourselves. Self-Deception Indicators

[00:02:15] When these thoughts cross your mind, you are deceiving yourself. We start making conclusions and stories about our environment or about other people. These interpretations we made, whether they were right or wrong, affect our identity and how we choose to treat others. We think we need to be perfect to be loved. We believe that to love others, they have to be perfect. When others mention our weaknesses, we become very defensive.

[00:02:40] What we learn as youths will stay with us as adults and come out as living a life of lies. This also comes out in our relationships. We think or say, I wouldn't have yelled at you if you wouldn't treat me so bad. We think or say, I wouldn't do this or that if you wouldn't do this or that. We feel justified in being less than we could be, just to not expose ourselves for who we really are, a person who is constantly wanting to give love and get love.

[00:03:07] We deceive ourselves to avoid the pain. We forget that we really are human. We often make comments like, I'm this way because that's how I was raised, which is putting the blame on our parents. We think or say, I'm this way because of this or because of that, therefore it's not my fault or my problem. These concepts prevent us from reaching our potential and reaching happiness, but we're not the only ones affected. In self-deception, we often make decisions that are harmful to others also.

[00:03:37] We deceive ourselves into believing that our significant other should fulfill all of our needs and all of our wants. That is self-deception. We have the choice to continue to live life in lies, remaining in incredible pain, continually pushing our pain onto those we love. Or, we can choose to change. Our feelings, most of the time, have nothing to do with the people around us. These feelings are part of our interpretation of our experiences and can be deceiving.

[00:04:06] Can we catch the moment when we interpret it poorly? We need to become observers of ourselves. The problem with that is that we need to evaluate our thinking with our own thinking. We need to be very honest and dig deep into our hearts. Ask yourself, what does this say about me? What was my contribution to this problem? The more we become aware of our inaccurate thinking, the more we can become responsible for our choices.

[00:04:33] We may not have control over all of our situations in life, yet we do have control over our reactions and our willingness to learn from them, and to allow others to learn also. Ask yourself, what if my whole life changes? What if my whole life doesn't change? Use the truth to help you find the most fulfilling life for you. How does this look in a marriage? You cannot hide who you are for very long. Eventually, it will be known. Remember that your spouse is in the same boat as you.

[00:05:03] He or she is also struggling with fear, self-deception, and expectations. You just listened to part two of the post titled, This is my marriage, not yours. By Christina Eden of corelivingessentials.com. If someone Charles and Melanie said that they, after their Tinder match, start a channel together with crazy tasks, that's really crazy. Five days on a single island,

[00:05:33] a zip line on a hook, a million views on it, a wall with a fucking button, and a false jump in Egypt? That would have never believed. But that's the thing with Tinder. It leads you to places you never expected. Where it leads you to. It starts with a swipe. Tinder. And thanks once again to Christina for letting us share this article in its entirety now. She's really hit on a lot of important topics for spouses to consider. This second half seemed to really focus on self-deception,

[00:06:03] which for me is a topic that could be the basis of an endless debate. Sure, we have cognitive distortions that break us free from the reality of certain situations or prevent us from having neutral reactions to them. But this can become very philosophical very quickly. Since we all have our own realities that we live in based on our own makeups, labeling one common reality and thus being able to label who is absent from it becomes really difficult.

[00:06:32] The way we perceive markers, like she was talking about, or anything else, is ultimately very subjective. But what I think she's saying and what's most important is that we learn where our responses to things tend to be more extreme than others. And if it's extreme enough that our mental or physical health could be at risk, that's a good time to dig deeper into our interpretations so we can challenge them before they become a great threat to us and or our relationships.

[00:07:02] So, yeah, I guess for me, when it comes to measuring risk, it can be helpful to look around and see what we can learn from others in situations that are highly sensitive to us. Not to dismiss our experiences, but to see them from a new perspective that could help us and our loved ones in the long run. All right, that's it for me, everybody. I thank you so much for being here and listening to both parts. And do be sure to come on back tomorrow where we will get right back to more amazing relationship content and where your optimal life awaits. Let's see.