2610: Are You a Coach or a Cheerleader? by Shana Olmstead on How to Create Empowering Relationships

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Are you a coach or a cheerleader? By Shana Olmsted of shanaolmsted.com. Are you a coach or a cheerleader? In relationships with people in our lives, we often want to be helpful. Especially for empathetic, compassionate people, we tend to want to help and fix and change and control.

[00:01:22] It doesn't feel this way when it's happening. At all. When we're drawn to helping, it feels like we're doing something good and really trying to make things better. Often, however, this is really being motivated by fear rather than love. A great example of this happened in a recent session with a client. Her wife is starting a business, and my client really wants to help her become successful. To do this, she offers advice and helpful suggestions about how to start and run a business.

[00:01:51] She's confused and disappointed when her wife feels criticized by this advice and doesn't accept her help. As we talked through this pattern, we discovered that her helpful suggestions were actually driven by fear. This is a common pattern. People try to control, this can also look like helping, fixing, giving advice, etc., when they are in fear. When we fully are able to relax into faith, we remember that nothing is ever wrong, and everyone is capable of achieving whatever they want.

[00:02:21] In my client's example, when she was growing up, her parents started several businesses that were never successful. This led to my client having a belief system that it is scary and unsafe to start a business. This belief system is leading to her helping her wife too much in an attempt to manage her own anxiety. When she pushes her wife in this way, it leads to her wife either shutting down emotionally or getting angry. It decreases her wife's drive, confidence, and motivation towards creating her business.

[00:02:51] It basically has the opposite effect of what my client intends. As we were talking, my client told me that she wants to be a cheerleader. She wants her wife to feel supported and loved, but also to take her advice. I reminded her that cheerleaders do not actually give advice. They cheer on the sidelines, offering support, encouragement, and praise no matter how the player is doing. They do not tell them where to run, how to throw the ball, or how to play.

[00:03:17] As she was talking, she started to realize that while her intention was to be a cheerleader to her wife, her wife was actually feeling that she was a coach. This made her wife feel judged and criticized rather than supported. My client decided that it would be better to take off the coach's uniform and pick up some pom-poms instead. As we connected the dots of her family history with starting businesses creating fear for her, which led to her trying to be too helpful for her wife,

[00:03:44] she really understood how ineffective this strategy was. It was an unconscious pattern, and now that it is conscious, she can be mindful of when it gets activated and then choose to respond as a cheerleader instead of a coach. Here are some ways to tell if you're being a coach or a cheerleader. Coaches sound like, You should. You shouldn't. Do it this way. Don't do that. Cheerleaders sound like, You can do it. I believe in you.

[00:04:14] You are capable. You are strong. Does this make sense? There are a time and a place for coaches, but generally, unless someone that you are in a relationship with in your life asks for advice, they don't want it. They just want you to love and support them unconditionally no matter what. Just be their cheerleader. Some ways to make sure you're staying in your own lane and not controlling, I mean helping, people in your life are, Check in with yourself first.

[00:04:42] Make sure you've reflected on why you're trying to give advice before you do it. Ask yourself, What am I scared of at this moment? Allow yourself to get still and quiet and discover the real motivation that's driving you to want to give advice. It's probably about fear and not trusting that the other person is capable to create the change they want. Ask them, Do you want a coach or a cheerleader right now? Before giving advice and after checking in with yourself,

[00:05:10] ask the other person if they want advice or just listening and support. Ask them and then really listen to and respect their answer. Take off the coach's uniform. Remind yourself to trust. The truth is that everyone is a powerful and capable soul. Nobody needs you to help or fix them. Let go and remember that love means letting others voluntarily evolve. If you project your fear and worry onto them by trying to help too much,

[00:05:37] you're actually handicapping their growth and evolution. Send them love and light and see them as capable of anything they want in their lives. This helps them rise to that vibration and achieve more than they thought possible. So please, even though it's not always easy to do, put down the coach's loud annoying whistle and pick up some pom-poms in a cute cheerleading outfit. It will help you and those in your life feel more empowered, happier, and more alive. Go team!

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[00:07:07] und starte mit unserem Self-Check. Ganz einfach online auf aok.de. Aus Liebe zur Gesundheit. AOK Plus. A really great post from Shana today. Those visual examples, if you will, of a coach and a cheerleader, I think really can help us all identify the differences and sharpen our understanding of what she's saying. And maybe my favorite part of this one was one of her last thoughts on how projecting our fears

[00:07:35] not only hurts our own growth, but the growth of others. Now, of course it can be challenging to know when we're projecting our fears, but we now have even more incentive to investigate that, I think. Sometimes the push that we need when it comes to our own growth is that realization that we're really affecting the well-being of someone other than ourselves. Now, it's not necessarily ideal to not treat ourselves with the same care and respect that we treat others with, but that's where many of us are starting

[00:08:04] when we begin to focus on self-improvement in general. And we've got to work with that. We have to work with what we have and where we are. So take some time to consider what your fears are, how you may be projecting them subconsciously, and if so, what toll that might be taking on those around you. Okay, everyone. And now it's time to get going, sadly. I'm glad you joined me today, though. This was one of my favorite posts from Shana, I think, and I'm really happy to have been able to share it with you. So have a great rest of your day,

[00:08:33] and I will see you back here tomorrow for more where your optimal life awaits.