2611: 3 Key Things That Will Make or Break Your Marriage by Laura Heck with Gottman on Marital Advice

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[00:00:58] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Three Key Things That Will Make or Break Your Marriage. By Laura Heck of Gottman.com. Have you ever had a make-or-break moment in your marriage? As in, whatever decision you make will change things in a big way? I did a television interview a couple of weeks back where I was reminded of one such moment.

[00:01:22] Here's the setup. A hospital, a newborn baby, me still recovering from labor, and my husband with big news. Essentially, we were still in the hospital, basking in the glow of becoming newborn parents. When my husband received news of a big promotion at work, we were thrilled by this news.

[00:01:42] Or rather, we were thrilled up until the moment when my husband revealed later that accepting the position would require both of us to quit our jobs and move to Utah. At first, I thought he was joking. But I quickly realized that whatever I said right then would change things in a big way. To state the obvious for those who know me, I am not a saint. I have a fabulous track record of epic failures and selfish choices in my marriage.

[00:02:11] However, I am proud to share that this make-it-or-break-it episode in my marriage turned into a win in the make-it column. I decided to try out a new skill. In the therapy world, we call this skill compromise. Compromise goes really well when you remember three key things. 1. Know Your Partner Laying the groundwork for effective compromise, especially in make-or-break moments, happens long before the moment even begins.

[00:02:40] Having a detailed love map of your partner's inner world, knowing every nook and cranny of your partner's heart, desires, dislikes, dreams, and fears, can help you understand what informs their point of view. 2. Meet In The Moment, Not In The Middle In a real compromise, both parties are bound to be at least a little disappointed. Don't let that disappointment get in the way of the relationship. Adopt a habit of asking,

[00:03:07] What part of my partner's request can I agree to? This will help you stay connected while you manage your differences. 3. Focus On What You Both Want If you can identify your core shared dream or goal in a situation, it can take the pressure off of the details and elevate the entire conversation. Even if your shared dream is just to stay married, that can help you reframe your non-negotiables.

[00:03:34] When you're clear about shared objectives, you cut through the fog of emotion and difference, and the specifics fall more quickly into place. Now, back to the story. Here comes the part in where I throw my hands up and say, I win. I had no desire to ever move to Utah. It wasn't on my radar. I loved my life, our life, right where we were, in Seattle.

[00:03:59] But, I was able to compromise without harboring any resentments by focusing on those three truths. First, I trusted my husband. I knew him well enough to know he wasn't chasing prestige or even a paycheck. I also knew that he had my best interests in mind. Second, I made sure to share my own thoughts and fears without criticizing or getting defensive. I worked hard to stay connected to him, even though I wanted badly to put my foot down, which of course would not have helped.

[00:04:29] Finally, I realized that it wasn't about my dream versus his dream. At that very make-or-break moment, this was an opportunity to create a new shared dream. Being honest with myself and my husband, I knew that moving to Utah would be a tough proposition if there was no real, honest, shared meaning in the move. I needed to wake up each day, driven and full of purpose to accomplish our dream. So, we created it.

[00:04:57] Our new dream was to spend more time together as a family and to retire in 10 years. Each day, we each make contributions toward this shared dream, and as a result, we are closer now than we ever have been. In this way, the move to Utah was about something much bigger than geography or moving just for a job. It was about a larger, shared vision of our life together. Let me encourage you. Learning how to compromise does not require an epic, life-changing decision.

[00:05:27] But compromise can be essential when an epic, life-changing, make-it-or-break-it decision does arise. Compromise is not just about the what, but about the how and the why, and most important, the who. Both of you. Whether it's a question of household chores or visiting in-laws or a future job or whatever, it feels good to make the make-or-break moments. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:57] Three Key Things That Will Make or Break Your Marriage. By Laura Heck of Gottman.com Hey Sandra, wir haben uns ja lange nicht mehr gesehen. Grüß dich, Nadine. Mensch, du siehst ja toll aus. Ja, danke. Ich hab mein Plus fürs gesündere Ich entdeckt. Was? Komm, ich zeig's dir. Die Bewegungskurse der AOK Plus. Kostenfrei für AOK Plus Versicherte. Entdecke dein Plus fürs gesündere Ich und starte mit unserem Self-Check.

[00:06:24] Ganz einfach online auf aok.de. Aus Liebe zur Gesundheit. AOK Plus. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast.

[00:06:53] Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And such a marvelous post from Laura, thanks to her for sharing. This is such a simple but great tool we've heard today. And I think that any couple can utilize this tactic right now and not have to necessarily wait for there to be a big pending change like a move to Utah.

[00:07:15] At any time, it's wise for couples to sit down and put in the work of deciding what their values are as a unit and what shared goals they're always trying to accomplish. And maybe revisiting this discussion once in a while is wise too as these values can change. But what this does is help us always keep the big picture in mind.

[00:07:37] And thus, we can always refer back to how any decision or situation affects the mutual effort to reach these goals or adhere to these established values. You know, in doing so, no situation ever feels too big or at least bigger than the relationship itself, right? Couples can stay reminded that any big change is simply a chess piece in the game of keeping the relationship thriving. It's not its own game of chess.

[00:08:03] So, sit down with your partner at any time, share this post with them, and decide on what foundations you always want to maintain. Foundations that are to be kept at the forefront of the relationship regardless of what types of forks in the road are reached. Okay, everybody, and that brings us to the end. Awesome piece from Gottman today that I hope you enjoyed as much as I did. And I will be back tomorrow with another post to get you thinking. So don't miss out. I hope to see you there, where your optimal life awaits.