2612: Anxious-Avoidant Duos: Walking on Thin Ice in Relationships and Physical Health by Dr. Jana Rosewarne of Luvze

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Anxious Avoidant Duos. Walking on Thin Ice in Relationships and Physical Health. By Dr. Jana Rosewarne of Loves.com. While the Disney animated film Frozen is most famous for its lovable characters and award-winning song Let It Go, this kid's movie can teach us a thing or two about attachment styles and close relationships, and the important interplay between partners' preferences for intimacy versus independence.

[00:01:30] In Frozen, the relationship difficulties that occur when these preferences clash are most evident between the two protagonists, sisters Elsa and Anna. Anxious Anna and Avoidant Elsa. Attachment in Frozen. Attachment styles describe the degree to which we perceive our relationships, usually romantic partnerships, as being secure, capable of meeting our needs, and a source of comfort in times of distress.

[00:01:57] People who are securely attached are comfortable depending on others as well as having others depend on them. Some people, however, have negative expectations in relationships, leading to insecure attachment styles. For example, individuals with an anxious attachment style fear rejection and abandonment, yet their cravings for closeness may inadvertently drive others away. In Frozen, Anna is anxiously attached.

[00:02:23] Her parents' death and her sister's abandonment leave her alone and desperate for love. So desperate, in fact, that she almost married a man she just met, Prince Hans. Whenever Elsa seeks distance in the movie, Anna continues to pursue her and ends up getting hurt in the process. Anxiously attached people may engage in behavior like this because they over-rely on their attachment figures for reassurance.

[00:02:47] On the other hand, avoidant attachment is characterized by feeling uncomfortable with closeness in relationships and a desire to maintain emotional distance. A person high in avoidant attachment would find it difficult to depend on others. In Frozen, Elsa exemplifies avoidant attachment. As a child, she was encouraged to conceal, don't feel, after her magical ability to create snow and ice accidentally injures Anna.

[00:03:13] From that moment on, Elsa increasingly pulls away from her sister, both physically and emotionally. When Anna finally confronts Elsa about her habit of shutting everyone out, Elsa responds by lashing out with her powers and running away. Self-protective strategies, such as defensiveness and withdrawal, are how avoidantly attached people typically respond to relationship stressors. People high in avoidance also tend to underestimate others' care and support for them.

[00:03:40] For instance, even after Anna communicates her desire to help Elsa, Elsa rejects her sister's support and insists on being alone. It's easy to see how an anxious-avoidant pairing could snowball into relationship dysfunction. In the face of an attachment threat, such as an argument or a confrontation, anxious individuals are likely to pursue their attachment figures in an attempt to re-establish feelings of closeness, just as Anna did when she ventured out into the blizzard to chase after Elsa.

[00:04:10] When the avoidant partner responds by pulling away, as Elsa did when she told Anna her intention of never returning home, the anxious person's fears are reinforced and the relationship is likely to suffer, i.e. Anna feels abandoned yet clings to her hope of reconnecting with her sister. Elsa feels overwhelmed and inadvertently strikes her sister with a nearly fatal blast of ice. Frozen conveyed the disastrous consequences of attachment-style mismatch

[00:04:39] when Anna was physically injured after continually provoking Elsa. But what are the effects of anxious-avoidant pairings in relationships in the real world? Can being with a romantic partner who has conflicting attachment goals actually harm you? A number of studies have found evidence that, yes, insecure attachment styles are associated with physiological stress responses and lifestyle behaviors that put people at risk for health problems.

[00:05:05] The idea is that attachment promotes different ways of perceiving and regulating stress. Overreacting to and poorly coping with relationship stressors, a tendency observed in insecurely attached individuals, can eventually invite health problems by disrupting immune system functioning and or predisposing unhealthy life choices, like substance abuse. Although being high in attachment avoidance or anxiety may predict worse health,

[00:05:33] newer work by Beck and colleagues suggest that it's the combination of attachment styles within a relationship that matter most. Specifically, the researchers explored whether a poor fit in attachment styles, such as an anxious-avoidant pair like Anna and Elsa, can potentially affect aspects of physical health. In the study, newlywed couples came into the lab and discussed an unresolved conflict in their relationship, a stress-inducing task designed to trigger people's attachment insecurities.

[00:06:02] The hormone cortisol, which is released during times of stress, was measured in participants' saliva at several time points before and after the conflict discussion. Consistent with the anxious-avoidant dynamics discussed, couples with an anxious wife and an avoidant husband showed heightened stress reactivity in anticipation of the conflict. That is, their cortisol levels skyrocketed when being reminded of the upcoming relationship stressor.

[00:06:27] Soon after, these individuals showed sharp declines in cortisol, suggesting that they were physiologically disengaging from the conflict before it even began. Interestingly, this stress-response pattern was mirrored by less constructive ways of soliciting and providing support during the conflict discussion. Anxiously attached wives were less able to recognize their avoidant husband's distress,

[00:06:51] whereas avoidant husbands found it difficult to constructively express their needs to their anxious wives. Advice for Anxious Avoidant Couples People high in attachment avoidance or anxiety tend to doubt others' ability to meet their needs, which can reinforce maladaptive views of relationships and lead to unhappiness. The study by Beck and colleagues suggests two pathways by which partners' opposing attachment styles can erode physical health and relationship well-being.

[00:07:20] First, anxious-avoidant pairings exhibited high stress reactivity in anticipation of a relationship conflict, a pattern that may take a toll on health over time, for example, by increasing one's susceptibility to illness or risk factors for disease, such as high blood pressure or inflammatory compounds. Second, anxious-avoidant pairs were less effective providers and recipients of support during relationship conflict.

[00:07:46] This is problematic because supportive, high-quality relationships are associated with better health. A recent meta-analysis, for example, found that greater marital support and less marital strain were linked to having a lower mortality rate and lower cardiovascular reactivity during conflict. Consequently, the inability for anxious-avoidant couples to recognize each other's distress and constructively conveyed their feelings may be diagnostic of future health risks.

[00:08:14] If you recognize a troublesome, anxious-avoidant dynamic in your relationship, know that it's possible to unfreeze bad patterns. After all, when Anna and Elsa finally empathized with each other and stopped letting their fears control them, they experienced self-growth and reconnection. Simply knowing your own attachment orientation can help you to understand your strengths and vulnerabilities in relationships. Likewise, noticing how your partner responds to relationship stressors

[00:08:43] can help both of you develop ways of communicating that fulfill each other's attachment needs and reinforce relationship security over time. If Anna and Elsa can melt the ice and rekindle their bond, there's hope for a happy ending for us all. You just listened to the post titled, Anxious-Avoidant Duos Walking on Thin Ice in Relationships and Physical Health by Dr. Jana Rose Warren of Loves.com

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[00:09:43] Okay, and an amazing article from Dr. Jana. Thanks a lot to her. With all the frozen references, you might even want to share this one with your kids. I'm going to leave that up to you though. So like I said, a really great article here that shines light on some very important material and of course encourages self-reflection on our own attachment styles and how they affect our relationships. And what I want to remind you of is how important it can be, how important it is to regularly return to that reflection.

[00:10:13] And I say that because there's a variety of different elements that can change our attachment style from time to time. A major life event might change how we relate to loved ones. The particular attributes of the person we're with and who they might remind us of on a subconscious level can absolutely stand to alter how we are around them versus other people. If something happens in the relationship that's stressful for us, like an affair maybe, the attachment styles could stand to change for one or both partners. And the list goes on.

[00:10:43] So make a point of revisiting how attachment dynamics are playing a part in your relationship, especially if you feel as though a major change has occurred or there's something a little bit off and you can't quite put your finger on it. Okay everyone, that's going to finish us off for today. I appreciate you listening and making another episode possible. Take this with you, consider it, and share it if you would be so kind. And of course, I hope to see you again tomorrow as we start our parenting leg of the week. That's where your optimal life awaits.