2617: The One Word that Kills an Apology AND The Wake Up Call to Stop Overcommitting by Dr. Allison Niebes-Davis

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[00:00:57] It starts with a swipe. Tinder. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Saying I'm sorry. The one word that completely kills an apology. By Dr. Allison Nebus Davis of DrAllisonAnswers.com Here's a fact about relationships. We mess up. We speak out of anger. We forget important things. We minimize people's pain. And we disappoint people we care about. We don't usually mean to mess up, but we do.

[00:01:27] And when we mess up, saying I'm sorry is usually in order. Owning up to our mistakes and apologizing is so important. And it turns out, saying I'm sorry can be a little trickier than you think. I've written about how to apologize before. And today, I'm taking it a step further. Sharing the simple word that absolutely kills an apology. It's a tiny word, yet it does major damage. And it's sneaking into your apology more than you realize.

[00:01:54] No matter how good your apology is, it can be diminished in an instant with one simple word. It might seem harmless, but I promise it's bigger than you think. The word to watch out for when saying I'm sorry, but. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but. I'm sorry I lost my temper, but. I'm sorry I forgot, but. The word but negates what you said prior to it. It minimizes the impact of a genuine apology.

[00:02:24] The word but pushes the responsibility off of you and onto something or someone else. The minute you speak those three little letters in an apology, your apology goes downhill. Because at that moment, you're no longer accepting responsibility for your actions and the impact that they had on the other person. And that's part of what makes an apology so impactful. So, if you're not supposed to say but, how should you word an apology? Two options.

[00:02:52] Embrace the word and, or embrace a period. I'm sorry I wasn't there on time. I said I would be, and I was running late. I lost my temper. I'm sorry. I'm stressed, and I didn't mean to take it out on you. I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. It was insensitive of me. Do you hear the difference? By getting rid of the but and embracing the period, you acknowledge the impact of your actions,

[00:03:19] without trying to minimize the impact or explain away your responsibility. Think about a recent time someone said, I'm sorry to you. Did they use the word but in their apology? If so, think about how that watered down the impact of their apology. It's only three letters, but it makes a huge difference. So, the next time you're saying I'm sorry, watch out for the word but. It instantly kills an apology, layering on additional hurt and disappointment.

[00:03:47] Saying I'm sorry isn't easy, but it's important. Do it better. Your relationships will thank you. Overcommitting usually originates from a good place. It comes from your desire to be kind and supportive. It comes from your desire to help out.

[00:04:14] And it's also connected to your fear of disappointing or letting others down. You have a hard time saying no, so you overextend yourself, often taking on more than is probably healthy for you. You probably tell yourself that it's not that big of a deal. You can handle it. You minimize the stress it causes, telling yourself that it's temporary or for a good cause. You decide that it doesn't impact you that much, and so it's totally fine. But, if you have a habit of overcommitting, I want you to hear this.

[00:04:44] Every time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else. Your resources are precious. Your time is finite. You can't make more hours in the day. Your energy is limited. You can't just go and go forever without running low on battery. Your resources are not endless. Every time you overcommit, it costs you. It costs you time and energy. It costs your most sacred resources, leaving less for what's truly important to you.

[00:05:12] So, when you say yes to another big project at work, know that you now have less time and energy for other projects and tasks. When you agree to hang out with friends a few nights in a row, remember that this comes at a price. It leaves you with less time to sleep, rest, or recharge with your kids. When you feel obligated to help with an upcoming event, spending hours each evening working on stuff, it costs you. It cuts into your sleep or your evening routine.

[00:05:40] It leaves you with less energy the following morning, snapping at your partner because you're so drained. When you overcommit, you pay a price. You spend your precious resources, leaving less time and energy for the people you love, and the things you value, and the self-care that you so desperately need. This post isn't about becoming a self-centered curmudgeon who says no to everyone and everything. That's certainly not realistic or healthy.

[00:06:05] Instead, this post is a call to think differently about your pattern of overcommitting. It's about being intentional and thoughtful about how you spend your resources, because they aren't unlimited. Before you say yes, think about the resources you have. Think about where you want them to go, not where you feel guilted to spend them. Be thoughtful about what's most important to you, and make sure you've got enough time and energy to devote there.

[00:06:31] Your resources are limited and precious, and they deserve to be treated as such. You just listened to the posts titled Saying I'm Sorry, The One Word That Completely Kills an Apology, and The Wake-Up Call to Help You Stop Overcommitting, both by Dr. Allison Nevis Davis of DrAllisonAnswers.com Hey Sandra, we have us for a long time not seen. Hello, Nadine.

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[00:07:28] They definitely provide a lot to think about, no question about that. And I think her second article in particular gives us two different opportunities to learn about our values, which is so important. On the one hand, if you're feeling frazzled by all the commitments that you might have, consider sitting down, reflecting on your hierarchy of values, and then creating an action plan based on that, so you're sure that your behavior is as well aligned with what you really care about as possible.

[00:07:56] And then on the other hand, if you find that you keep committing to all kinds of things without an ability to get off the hamster wheel, and you've maybe lost sight of what your values are, you can work outside in. The types of commitments that you make most frequently will tell you a lot about where you are subconsciously putting your energy, and thus what values you're choosing to live by. Now, this route can be a bit scarier, because you might find that some values you're living by are values that you don't necessarily care to have, or are more reactive.

[00:08:26] This obviously stands to provide a lot of self-reflection about what parts of life have taken over without you maybe expecting them to, and why it happened. So it's really good food for thought. Time to get out of here now though, everyone. As always, I thank you so much for joining and devoting some of your weekend to us. Have a great rest of your day, everybody. Be sure to come on back tomorrow, and I will see you there where your optimal life awaits.