2618: [Part 1] Setting Limits Can Keep You Sane: Here’s How to Do It by Elana Miller of Zen Psychiatry on Protecting Your Time

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[00:00:58] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Setting limits can keep you sane. Here's how to do it. Part 1 by Elena Miller of ZenPsychiatry.com Recently, as part of my mindfulness practice, I decided to experiment with saying yes to everything. It was an exercise recommended specifically for the aversive Buddhist personality type, with which I identify.

[00:01:24] So I thought, let's give this a shot and see what happens. It didn't go so well. My first test was when I had to call my bank to get a fee reversed. The woman said she could help me with the fee. And then said, If over the course of our conversation, I recognize any products or services that might help you, would it be okay if I discussed them with you? I had much better things to do than listen to her trying to sell me something I don't need. So I politely said, no thanks.

[00:01:53] She had to transfer me to another department. And that guy asked me the same question. Reflexively, I said, nope, that's okay. Then, the next day, I was in Ralph's doing my grocery shopping. And I walked by a woman who was giving out free samples. Would you like to try a root beer float? I wasn't hungry. So without even thinking about it, I said, no, thank you though. And then later that day, I got one of those automated calls from Kaiser, who have been calling me ever since I gave them my info a year ago,

[00:02:23] as I was looking up different health insurance options for my boyfriend. The robot voice asked me, are you Peter? No. Can you take a message for him? No. Is it okay if we call you again? No. That robot will call anyway. Why we need to say no. Even just a few days of trying this say yes experiment made me realize that saying yes

[00:02:48] all the time may work for Buddhist monks in Burma, but it doesn't really work for the rest of us. We live in a culture where friends, family, advertisers, solicitors, co-workers, bosses, etc. are often asking us for things that we simply do not have the time, energy, or money to say yes to. And sometimes, there are things we want to say yes to, but it would take away from our ability to prioritize our own values, projects, and goals.

[00:03:19] Yes, I'd love to go to your dinner party, but I haven't spent time with my family in a week, and that comes first. Tim Ferriss of the 4-Hour Workweek recently posted an article on why the most prolific creative people say no all the time, and how this allows them to prioritize their art. Why we don't say no when we should. Unfortunately, we often get roped into responsibilities that we don't want just because it's so difficult to say no.

[00:03:48] It can feel awkward or uncomfortable to say no. We may worry we're going to hurt the other person's feelings. Over the course of this article, however, I want to show you that setting limits does not need to be scary, and does not need to alienate you from others. It can actually help improve your relationships because you won't be resentful of people for making you do the things you don't want to do. As a psychiatrist, learning how to say no is basically a training requirement.

[00:04:17] I've learned how to say no even if it means someone is going to file a complaint against me, or yell at me, or threaten me. Trust me, I've got some pretty amazing stories about that. I've learned that I have to do what's in the best interest of the patient, which, especially in a hospital setting where there are some very sick and difficult people, is not always what they want. I am always in a process of evaluating and setting limits with people. Here are the key lessons that you need to know. People don't hear what you say.

[00:04:47] They hear what you do. This single point is so important it bears repeating. People don't hear what you say. They hear what you do. Let me give you an example. One of the limits I have to constantly set with patients is when it's okay for them to page me. Yes, like your common dealer, I have to carry a pager every day, 24 hours a day, in case of an emergency.

[00:05:12] However, about 95% of the time that I am paged, it's not an emergency, and something extremely routine that could have easily been handled by calling my voicemail during regular business hours. To be continued. You just listened to Part 1 of the post titled Setting Limits Can Keep You Sane. Here's how to do it. By Elena Miller of zenpsychiatry.com

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[00:06:09] Definitely leaving you guys with a cliffhanger there. I know. But tomorrow's part two is just so long and illustrious, I want to make sure you come back. In this first part though, I love Elena's line about how we become unable to prioritize our goals and values if we say yes too much. This is a really, really good place to start if you have a hard time saying no. While eventually it would be great to be able to just say no to things that you simply don't feel like even if they aren't necessarily clashing with your values,

[00:06:38] when it comes to setting boundaries, it can often be easier to start big and work your way down to little scenarios like those. So I might recommend beginning by really reflecting on those goals and values that mean a lot to you. These are the things that you really don't want to compromise on. And luckily, if we are driven and aware of what they are, they're also the easiest not to compromise on. So maybe you do hang out with tertiary friends when you'd rather just go home.

[00:07:08] OK. Perhaps the best way of getting comfortable saying no in those situations is to first get practice in identifying the occurrences in your life that actually put your values at risk and saying no to them. Like becoming a doctor because your family is pressuring you to when what you really care about is conservation and a career in environmentalism. So lock in on your biggest values and then what might get in the way of them and observe the trickle-down effect. OK. I'm going to stop there, folks.

[00:07:38] But there's a whole lot more tomorrow. So again, be sure to come on back. Until then, have a great night. And I will see you in part two where your optimal life awaits. Let's see.