2619: [Part 2] Setting Limits Can Keep You Sane: Here’s How to Do It by Elana Miller of Zen Psychiatry on Fostering Growth

[00:00:01] Wenn jemand Charles und Melanie gesagt hätte, dass sie nach ihrem Tinder-Match gemeinsam einen Channel mit crazy Aufgaben starten, also wirklich crazy, fünf Tage auf einer einsamen Insel verbringen, eine Zipline an einem Gurt runterrasen, eine Million Views knacken, eine Wand mit Saugnöpfen hochklettern und falsch hier im Springen in Ägypten? Das hätten die beiden niemals geglaubt. Aber das ist das Ding mit Tinder. Es führt dich an Orte, die du nie erwartet hättest. Wohin es dich aufführt. It starts with a swipe. Tinder.

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Setting limits can keep you sane. Here's how to do it. Part 2. By Elena Miller of zensychiatry.com So a while back, I was paged by a patient asking for a medication refill. He was a new patient, so I explained clearly that paging was just for emergencies, and that it was disruptive for me to interrupt patient care to field pages for non-emergencies,

[00:01:29] and that in the future he should call my voicemail number. He expressed that he understood and wrote down my voicemail number. He apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. He said he just needed a medication refill, and I said, Okay, I'll call it in right now to your pharmacy. And I did, immediately. So, should I have been surprised when only a week later I got a page from him for the exact same issue? No, I shouldn't have.

[00:01:57] Because he did not hear what I said, he heard what I did. He did not hear me say not to page me anymore for non-emergencies. He heard me say, Anytime you want a medication refill, you can page me, and it will get done quicker and easier than if you leave a voicemail and wait for me to call back. So, this time, I handled it differently. I cut him off immediately and asked if this was an emergency. Well, it's just that... I interrupted him.

[00:02:27] An emergency is when you are feeling suicidal or psychotic or need to go to the hospital. Are any of those things happening? Well, no, I just need you to... I interrupted him again. Please call my voicemail and leave a message. I will call you back as soon as I can. So, we did. And I purposely waited a few hours before returning his call. And then we had a polite 30-second conversation. And then I refilled his medication.

[00:02:55] Sure, it would have been easier for both of us if I had just refilled his medication when he paged. But then I would have been creating a bigger problem for myself in the long run. I can assure you that this time he heard, The quickest way for you to get your medication refilled is to leave a message on my voicemail and wait for me to call you back. Paging me will just waste your time. I haven't gotten a page since. Think about if you've had a similar experience. Have you ever told someone firmly that you can't help them?

[00:03:25] Or that you won't put up with their nagging anymore? Or that you can't lend them money again? But you will just this one last time? They don't hear what you say. They hear what you do. Be direct, even if it's uncomfortable. I was chatting with a friend the other day who's been having trouble setting limits with her sister. Her sister will always come into town unexpectedly and want to meet up with her, but be flaky and inconsistent with her plans.

[00:03:50] Inevitably, my friend will be left hanging for hours waiting for her sister who never shows up. I asked her what she says to her sister when she comes into town to avoid getting caught in this situation. She told me, Well, I make excuses. I tell her I have a yoga class or something. But then she asks me what I'm doing after yoga, and I tell her I have to go grocery shopping. But then she asks me what I'm doing after grocery shopping, and I say I'm going home to spend time with my husband.

[00:04:18] And then she asks what I'm doing after that, and she doesn't understand that there is no after, and that we'll be hanging out the rest of the night. I hope my next question is as obvious to you as it was to me at the time. Well, don't you ever just, you know, tell her no, that you won't be able to hang out that day? Well, she said, I guess not. It's amazing how people will hem and haw, make excuses, and beat around the bush,

[00:04:46] all because it feels so uncomfortable just to say no. Get used to the sound of no coming out of your mouth. Because if you want to stay sane, you're going to be saying it a lot. And if someone's not hearing your no, it's your fault for not being direct enough. Which brings me to my next point. People can handle no a lot better than you think. Often we say yes to things just because we're afraid we're going to hurt the other person's feelings or make them feel bad.

[00:05:15] But trust me, as someone who's had to say no in some pretty difficult situations, even to the point where I've accidentally crossed that line into being rude, people can handle no a lot better than you think. Try it and you'll see. In my experience, the response is typically something like, Oh, okay. Well, anyway, I was talking to David the other day, dot dot dot. The other person will probably move on faster than you will. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.

[00:05:43] If you ever make a mistake and say no and later regret it, or you feel you were too harsh, you can always go back and apologize and change your mind. People won't hold it against you. If you ever do come across one of those few people who freaks out at the prospect of getting a no, or is rude or threatening to you, then that's on them, not on you. It's not your responsibility to make everyone around you happy all of the time.

[00:06:10] Let people experience the consequences of their actions. Often we say yes to people we love when we don't want to because they get themselves into difficult situations and we don't want bad things to happen to them. I definitely can recall my parents bailing me out a few times when I was younger, and I appreciate that they did. And teenagers in general have a limited ability to control their impulses. Let's say, though, that you have someone in your life who is an adult with a fully developed prefrontal cortex.

[00:06:39] And no matter how much you help this person, he or she keeps getting in the same bad situation, and you keep bailing them out. You're sending a pretty clear message. The message is, you can mess up as much as you want, take no responsibility for your actions, and I will always be there to inconvenience myself and pick up the pieces. And you may feel you're helping, but trust me, you're not doing that person any favors.

[00:07:05] He or she will never learn that certain actions have consequences. You may say, if you keep doing this, X, Y, and Z is going to happen. But remember, they don't hear what you say. They hear what you do. If you keep bailing them out, they will never learn any different. You just listened to Part 2 of the post titled Setting Limits Can Keep You Sane. Here's how to do it.

[00:07:33] By Elena Miller of zenpsychiatry.com Hey Sandra, we have us long before we haven't seen. Hello, Nadine. You look great. Thank you. I have my plus for the health of I entdeckt. What? Come, I show you. The Bewegungskurse of AOK Plus. Kosten free for AOK Plus Versicherte. Find your plus for the health of I and start with our self-check. Just online on AOK. Aus Liebe zur Gesundheit.

[00:08:03] AOK Plus. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:08:32] And a marvelous ending from Elena. Thanks a lot to her. She was really speaking to my heart when she talked about people being able to handle and know better than we think. So part of me having a history as a bit of a people pleaser is that ongoing bias that most people are babies and that I'd rather not set limits with them when I often should. Because I assume they're going to complain and guilt trip me.

[00:08:56] So it feels easier but also kind of empowering for me to submit to a certain situation and let them have their way because my biggest preference is not having to listen to them complain. And, you know, this is interesting territory because it is great in a lot of ways, right? It keeps me in the rhythm of considering the needs of others and it helps me to go with the flow more.

[00:09:20] But ultimately, each time I do this, I am distancing myself a little bit more from my own values as well as my emotional and interpersonal growth. So thankfully, I've done a lot of work to understand where this bias comes from and have gotten so much better at managing it. But it is one of those things that will always go against my conditioning and therefore, you know, turning it around does take some work. Articles like this are supremely helpful for me though. So thanks again to Elena for sharing.

[00:09:50] It's time to get going though, everybody. I do hope you'll share both this episode and yesterday's part one with someone you might know who is a people pleaser like me or anyone who you feel would be interested. I also hope you have a great rest of your day and I look forward to seeing you again on the show tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.