2625: Do You Want To Date People Who Don’t Want To Date You By Evan Marc Katz on Dating Advice

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Do you want to date people who don't want to date you? By Evan Markkatz of EvanMarkkatz.com. A reader called me up last week to inquire about my dating coaching services. She's 57 years old. She's been divorced and widowed to two older men. Neither of her past relationships sounded like a happy one. In our time on the phone, they sounded loveless and painful.

[00:01:26] For that reason, she really wants to get back out there and find love again. But, because of the pain she suffered in the past, she made a rule for her future relationships. A rule that she was not going to break no matter what. She said, I am not going to date any man who is my age or older. This woman, again, is 57. However, because she had to take care of sick old men in the past, she swore she was not going to get stuck doing the same thing again.

[00:01:56] It didn't matter that one of her husbands was 20 years older. Now that she's 57, all men her age are old. And she's not going to spend her remaining days tethered to a withered man in a wheelchair. I told her that I didn't blame her. But, that I couldn't take her on as a client. She was surprised. Most dating coaches don't turn down money under any circumstance. I told her that she was restricting her options so greatly that I would have trouble guaranteeing her a positive result. And that's my job. Positive results.

[00:02:27] The Perception of Choice She didn't understand. What is so wrong with a 57-year-old woman wanting a younger man? Men do it all the time. It's my turn to have fun, she remarked. I told her that I appreciated that. However, it didn't really matter what she wanted. She was still confused. How could it not matter what she wants? Because it takes two to tango. If you want a man who doesn't want you, I explained,

[00:02:56] there is no relationship to discuss. I tried to explain it the other way around. What if an 80-year-old man wrote to you online? I'd ignore him, of course. Exactly. Even though you're what he wants. Therefore, it doesn't matter what he wants if you don't want the same thing. She reminded me that she looked young for her age. I reminded her that she should do a search on Match.com to see what age range 55-year-old men were searching.

[00:03:24] In fact, I decided to do it myself. Everyone thinks that they're young for their age. So here goes.

[00:03:55] Notice that there are more 30s than there are 57s. Now, to be clear, this desire doesn't mean these men are getting these younger women. Oh, oh no. So many women in their 30s are almost universally creeped out by receiving emails from men in their 50s. But that doesn't matter. Put a 35-year-old woman side by side with a 57-year-old woman and ask yourself what most men are going to pick. It's predictable.

[00:04:22] But that's online dating, a place where you have the perception of choice. You're not just competing with your peer group. You're competing with everyone on the website who is younger, thinner, etc. It's not fair. It's not right. It just is. Due to the inherent biases of both men and women, the secret to dating, and online dating in particular, is to find the person who is open to dating you.

[00:04:47] Yet most of us spend our time trying to convince other people that they should be open to dating us. This is what I was trying to convey to this lovely woman on the phone. Not that it's wrong to want a younger man, but that it's counterproductive to restrict herself exclusively to a community of men who are not open to meeting her. Then there was her false assumption that every man her age and older was going to be in bad shape like her former husband's. This is one of the strange hypocrisies of dating.

[00:05:17] So why doesn't it occur to you that if you're young for your age, there's a man just like you out there? This should be inspiring, not saddening. If you're a great woman looking for love online, your partner is somewhere out there wondering how to connect with you. And chances are that man is having the exact same doubts about whether there's any woman who is suitably young and vibrant. A bitter pill to swallow.

[00:05:43] Lest you think you're the only person who feels frustration at how unfair the opposite sex can be, let me share with you the first time I learned this lesson myself. I was 29. I was a struggling Hollywood writer. I was supporting myself by selling hair restoration products by phone. I was out for drinks at a fancy hotel bar with a female friend. She was Ivy League educated, thin, Jewish, quirky.

[00:06:09] I didn't have a crush on her, per se, but I had respect and admiration for her. She was the type of person I saw myself with, even if I didn't actually see myself with her. Which is why I took it so personally when she said she'd never date another writer. She said that writers were neurotic. True. She said that writers were financially unstable. True. She said that writers were largely unhappy because their dreams were never fulfilled. True. True.

[00:06:38] And so she'd made her decisions. A decision that had nothing to do with me, yet it felt like had everything to do with me. In that moment, I realized that no matter how much I valued myself, there were always going to be people who valued someone else more. That's a bitter pill to swallow. Guys like me don't have restrictions on whom we can date. You probably don't like having restrictions either. But that doesn't mean there aren't restrictions. I learned it firsthand.

[00:07:05] If a woman said she wanted a guy with more money, there were plenty of guys with more money. If a woman said she wanted a guy who's taller, there were plenty of guys who were taller. If a woman said she wanted a guy who was laid back and zen, almost every guy is going to get the nod over me. I can wish that this weren't the case. But you can't be all things to all people at all times. You can only be the best person that you can be, and hope to attract the person that wants you, flaws and all.

[00:07:35] If my wife couldn't appreciate me despite all my neuroses, she wouldn't be my wife. And if a man doesn't want to date you because you're too old, heavy, short or poor, well, then he wouldn't be the right person for you. Focus on the men who want you, and you'll find a man who you want as well. You just listened to the post titled Do you want to date people who don't want to date you?

[00:08:02] By Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com Hey Sandra, wir haben uns ja lange nicht mehr gesehen. Grüß dich, Nadine. Mensch, du siehst ja toll aus. Ja, danke. Ich hab mein Plus fürs gesündere Ich entdeckt. Was? Komm, ich zeig's dir. Die Bewegungskurse der AOK Plus. Kostenfrei für AOK Plus Versicherte. Entdecke dein Plus fürs gesündere Ich und starte mit unserem Self-Check. Ganz einfach online auf AOK.de.

[00:08:31] Aus Liebe zur Gesundheit. AOK Plus. And thanks a lot to Evan for this really sobering read. Though I would challenge Evan that while people in his client's position shouldn't generalize about an older community of potential partners, nor should there be generalizations towards the younger community of potential partners and what they might want.

[00:08:56] So while I would agree here that Evan is probably wise in not trying to change this woman's mind and not work with her if her mind is not changed, I'd say it's definitely presumptuous to assume that all younger men would not want a woman who is 57. Do the majority have that preference? Of course not. And that's what Evan is harping on when he says he feels he would not be able to coach this woman successfully. But while this woman would be less likely to only find a partner who is younger,

[00:09:25] it's still a fallacy to say that this would be impossible. She'd probably try it and run out of energy given the limited options and ultimately want to rethink her standards. But it doesn't change the truth in the fact that there would still be options for her, however few and far between they may be. Which might change her perspective on the whole thing. Maybe not. But that's my piece everyone. Thanks a lot for coming today and listening in on another narration. It's always a pleasure to have you here.

[00:09:54] And I hope you'll come back again tomorrow for the Monday show, where I'll have more great content for you. And where your optimal life awaits. Thanks.