2628: Crafting an Escape Plan for Your Grief by Shelby Forsythia on Self-Love and Healing

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[00:01:00] Das ist Optimal Relationships Daily. Crafting an escape plan für your grief. By Shelby Forsythia of ShelbyForsythia.com. A couple of months ago, I sat down with a close friend to talk about the impending death of her loved one. She, her family, and a collection of doctors knew that it had come down to a waiting game, and decided that it was just a matter of time before they were all going to have to face this life-changing loss.

[00:01:26] She was experiencing anticipatory grief, of course. Grieving in advance of a death. But she expressed another fear with me that I remembered having when I entered the waiting game in my own loss. My friend expressed anxiety about getting the news. Specifically getting the news at work. Or getting the news while driving. Or getting the news while she was out somewhere with friends. Distance makes getting bad news hard.

[00:01:50] But what makes it even harder is being out in a public place, where the emotion hits you raw and all at once. How can you possibly prepare for that? I told her that it might be a really good idea to think about crafting an escape plan for the moment she got the news. Literally strategizing and visualizing the steps she would take, what she would want to say, and what she would want to have prepared in advance for that moment. So, what exactly is a grief escape plan?

[00:02:18] A grief escape plan is a premeditated plan of exactly what you want to take place after you get the call. When the news comes and you hang up the phone, what happens next? When the emotions start coming up and you need to move, if you could have everything go how you wanted, how would it go? Literally, a grief escape plan is what you do, where you go, and what you bring with you when grief hits you. A grief escape plan is a form of self-love that goes beyond the bubble bath.

[00:02:46] It's taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreaking news by getting yourself to a space that feels safe and secure to you. It's thinking through everything to the best of your ability, so that when it actually happens, any anxiety about having to make important decisions on top of devastating news is softened. You've made the decisions in advance. You've had the conversations in your head. You've packed a bag and mapped out directions on your phone.

[00:03:12] You get to move from grief news to autopilot, instead of grief news to scurrying panic. And in the middle of what is quite possibly one of the hardest moments of your life, that is an incredible gift. If you get the call at work, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Are you going to excuse yourself from the meeting you're in? Are you going to find an empty conference room or a stairwell to process?

[00:03:36] Do you have an open floor plan with glass rooms everywhere, so you'd need to take the elevator down to your car to sit there and have a moment? If so, what are you going to say or do if someone else gets on the elevator with you? If you get the call while driving, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Are you going to immediately pull over? Are you going to keep driving to the lake you went to as a kid? Are you going to drive straight home? Are you going to call your next door neighbor and ask them to handle carpool today?

[00:04:04] Are you going to listen to a specific song? Are you going to have a bag packed and ready to go at all times in the trunk? If you get the call in the grocery store, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Are you going to abandon your cart and leave? Are you going to go have a moment in the patio furniture section? Are you going to buy a frozen meal or two so you don't have to worry about cooking for the next couple of days? Are you going to call your spouse and tell them to look at the checkout aisle magazines while you're talking?

[00:04:32] In crafting your grief escape plan, grief growers, know that the choice in this, the design in this, is entirely up to you. You choose who you're going to call when you get the news. You choose which of your co-workers to tell, if any. You choose the place you drive your car to process. You choose every single tiny detail about your grief escape plan. If this went exactly how I wanted it to go, how would it go?

[00:04:59] And then, when you get the news, you follow the plan as closely as you can. You watch for and expect variants, of course. Nothing ever fully plays out like it does in our heads, especially in grief. But a grief escape plan gives you the gift of autopilot. When I talked about this on the podcast, I compared a grief escape plan to a fire drill in elementary school. You know the fire is coming. You have those emotions that come up.

[00:05:25] But no matter what, you know you're lining up quietly, being counted, and then being escorted to a safe place outside of the building by a teacher. You know you'll have a meeting place with your friends, and your parents will know where to find you. You won't know a lot about the fire, and you probably won't be able to predict a lot of your emotions in the moment. But what you will know is what you're physically doing, where you're physically going, and who you should and shouldn't be speaking to in that moment.

[00:05:52] That provides you with a lot of certainty when something uncertain is taking place. This is an exercise in creating a loving safety net for yourself. Crafting a grief escape plan isn't morbid or overthinking. In fact, it's actually one of the best things you can do for yourself to prepare for big, heartbreaking news. It's an extra layer of security, surety, and self-love in the midst of grief, which we could always use more of.

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[00:06:51] Discover Tommy Hilfiger's limited edition Apex GP Collection. Inspired by F1 The Movie. Only in Cinemas, June 25. And thanks so much to Shelby for this great post. Really something I think we can all use when our times come for anticipatory grief. It's a brilliant logistic approach that doesn't ignore feelings. And it's also worth mentioning that we can plan similarly for any feelings we're expecting to have

[00:07:19] wash over us at inopportune times, not just grief. So consider whether or not you might be coming up on some big news, or maybe expecting to get sick, or worried that you might have an anxiety attack. Anything that you feel could be hitting you at the wrong time. It's easy to ruminate and worry about such things. So rather than pressuring yourself or shaming yourself into trying to think less,

[00:07:45] it can be a great approach to instead consider how to make these thoughts driven and productive so that you're actually giving yourself a chance to help yourself. Food for thought. It's time to go though, everybody. As always, I appreciate you being here today and sharing this episode with someone if you know someone who could benefit from it. And aside from that, enjoy the rest of your day. And I look forward to seeing you back here tomorrow as we begin our parenting leg of the week. That's where your optimal life awaits.