2633: Transforming Criticism into Wishes: A Recipe for Successful Conflict by Kyle Benson of Gottman on Improving Intimacy

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[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Transforming Criticism into Wishes, A Recipe for Successful Conflict by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com. In the heat of an argument, it's far easier to say what we don't want than what we do. Stan Tatkin, the founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, proposes that people are better built for war than love. Sometimes it seems that way.

[00:01:23] We say, stop being so sad, instead of, I wish you would tell me what's making you sad. Or, you're always neglecting me, instead of, I feel really lonely and need your attention. The problem with expressing needs in a negative way is it comes off like criticism. Despite what some people say, there is no such thing as constructive criticism.

[00:01:47] Criticism triggers a person to become defensive and protect themselves from an attack, which blocks the resolution of a conflict. It doesn't matter how much trust and intimacy there is in a relationship, it's still nearly impossible for someone to listen to a personal attack without becoming defensive. This is true even for very happy couples. As witnessed in Dr. Gottman's Love Lab, on the rare occasion that one happily coupled partner began a complaint with criticism, the other partner became defensive.

[00:02:16] For conflict conversations to succeed, you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and transform any complaint about your partner into a positive need. Doing this for your partner is the equivalent of creating an instructional guide to winning and keeping your heart. It's important to note that the negative emotions that lead us to blame or criticize are often signposts of what we value most. Think of a negative emotion as a clue to your hidden wish.

[00:02:46] When you express that hidden desire directly, you're more likely to make that wish come true. For example, hidden underneath anger may be feelings of loneliness. When you become aware of that loneliness, you can ask your partner for the things that you need to feel more connected. In the weekly State of the Union meeting, Dr. Gottman has discovered that partners need to attune to each other before problem solving.

[00:03:10] After witnessing thousands of couples fighting, he discovered that the masters of relationships did one powerful thing. They transformed their criticisms into wishes. This is the second T in Dr. Gottman's attune conflict resolution model for couples. The Courageousness of Wishes Blaming our partner or hiding our feelings by criticizing is easy. Speaking our feelings and fears requires a willingness to be vulnerable.

[00:03:39] Often this vulnerability is mistaken as a sign of weakness, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Vulnerability is courageous. It's a willingness to drop your shield and expose the unguarded underbelly of your fears, doubts, and insecurities. Because of this discomfort, many of us avoid being truly vulnerable with our partners. I know I've done this in the past and sometimes still do.

[00:04:02] But as I've come to learn, owning my fears and insecurities and then naming them in my relationships is actually a strength. As Brene Brown puts it, Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage. End quote. It also determines the depth of the emotional connection in our relationship. Often with couples I work with, there are barriers to being vulnerable with their partners.

[00:04:29] For example, Chris and Christina found it really difficult to focus on the wishes behind their criticism. They were fighting over when to have a child. Christina was ready to make the leap into parenthood. But Chris was not sure it was the right time. Christina would get so angry and leave the room when they would have a fight. This hit Chris's raw spot and upset him. In their state of the union conversation, all he wanted to say was, You're such a baby.

[00:04:56] You interrupt me and then walk out of the room, which makes me feel like the bad guy. No wonder I don't want to have a baby. But by owning his feelings and taking notes during their conflict conversation, he was able to turn his criticism into a wish. I want to be able to speak with you about how I feel about having a baby right now without you leaving the room or getting upset with me before I'm done talking. When Christina had the floor, she also made adjustments. Instead of saying,

[00:05:26] You're out of control. Whenever we disagree, you turn into a bully. Anyone would get upset and sprint away from you. She said, I want us to discuss issues calmly without either of us raising our voices. That's what I need to stay in the room and truly listen to you. Do you see how being vulnerable can transform your relationship and help you get your needs met? It's also important to not wait for conflict to happen to be vulnerable and express wishes in a positive way.

[00:05:53] Pay attention to ways you can proactively be vulnerable with each other outside of heated conflict. For example, by saying, Please slow down your driving so I can feel safe, rather than you're driving like a crazy person, slow down, you give your partner an understanding of why you're feeling the way you are, rather than blaming them for what you're feeling. You just listened to the post titled Transforming Criticism into Wishes,

[00:06:23] A Recipe for Successful Conflict by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com Hey Sandra, wir haben uns ja lange nicht mehr gesehen. Grüß dich, Nadine. Mensch, du siehst ja toll aus. Ja, danke. Ich hab mein Plus fürs gesündere Ich entdeckt. Was? Komm, ich zeig's dir. Die Bewegungskurse der AOK Plus. Kostenfrei für AOK Plus Versicherte. Entdecke dein Plus fürs gesündere Ich und starte mit unserem Selfcheck. Ganz einfach online auf AOK.de.

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[00:07:19] Discover Tommy Hilfiger's limited edition Apex GP Collection. Inspired by F-Wonder Movie. Only in cinemas, June 25th. And many thanks to Kyle for a great post here today. I'm in complete agreement with this article and I really love how incredibly simple and incredibly effective it is. However, it can be difficult to make this transition. You know, for most of us, as he said, it's not the approach that we're used to. And even though we may feel there's bravery and courage

[00:07:48] in opening up like this, the fact that many others might not see it that way can make it all the more challenging to take this approach and feel as though that we're either understood or respected or both. So, if this is the case for you, consider starting small when not faced with a big disagreement. Or bring this article to the attention of your partner when you're not in an argumentative state. And make a pact to try this together and consider acknowledging together how much you would look up to one another

[00:08:17] if they were willing and able to be so open and vulnerable like this. Priming or planning disagreements or conflict resolution in this way, it might feel a little unusual, but it can be really helpful. And most of all, it can show your partner that you care and are consistently thinking about the well-being of your relationship. And on that note, we're going to finish things up today, everyone. A great article again from Kyle and the Gottman Institute, one that I hope you can all use to your advantage. And enjoy the rest of your day.

[00:08:46] And I will talk to you next time, where your optimal life awaits.