2634: [Part 1] How to Keep From Growing Apart by Melissa Josue on Marriage Advice and Creating A Life With Your Partner

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Keep From Growing Apart, Part 1 by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:00:28] Three years into my marriage, I started to wonder whether I had done the right thing. I had just returned from an evening event watching a favorite blogger speak about his new book and his travels in the past year. I went alone because it was a school night, and so my husband was at home with his daughters. Before the event, I enjoyed a sandwich on the pier with the sun in my face. As an introvert, I revel in these quiet moments of solitude.

[00:00:52] I started to think about what country I would be in right now, or what new adventure I would be planning. I'd always considered myself a free spirit. I love travel. Send me somewhere strange and unknown, and I thrive on the sense of adventure. I'd always dreamed of doing more world travel, even living and working in another country. Then reality set in. With a spouse whose job that doesn't allow him to telecommute, and two kids still in grade school, we weren't going on any extended around-the-world adventures anytime soon.

[00:01:22] I started to think, if only we didn't have to live in the city where the rent is so high. If only his ex hadn't insisted their daughter go to private school. I started to think about what I signed up for. I started to feel stuck. I started to blame. And I started to feel sorry for myself. And then it dawned on me what I was doing wrong.

[00:01:43] I needed to take responsibility for the choices that I made. The choice to spend my life with this man whom I love so much, and my commitment to that journey. I needed to recognize that it's a shared journey. Not just my journey, but his journey, his kid's journey, and even his ex's journey too. It's a package deal. But what did that really mean? It meant that I needed to stop thinking about only me, and start thinking about us.

[00:02:09] It meant that I needed to get clear on not just my vision, but create a shared vision with my husband and my stepkids. It meant I needed to stop seeing them and my circumstances, which I chose, as an obstacle to the dream, and get creative about how I could make them a part of the dream. It hit me like a revelation. What is vision? In one of my favorite and highly recommended relationship advice books, Conscious Dating, David Steele describes vision as, quote,

[00:02:39] Your vision is composed of images you have in your mind of the life and relationship you really want. It acts as your inner guidance system, leading you towards certain choices and away from other choices. You've been carrying it around for many years, and it's already inside you. You don't choose it. You discover it. Your vision is a core part of who you are and how you want to live your life. Your success and fulfillment comes from fully expressing and living your vision. End quote.

[00:03:07] In other words, your vision is the answer to the question, What would a deeply fulfilling life and relationship look like for you? Why vision is important for your relationship success. We each have a vision for the kind of life and relationship that we want. But people grow apart when they don't have a shared vision, one that they can both be excited about. You need alignment in your big goals and dreams that you're both excited to achieve together. If you're not sharing a path or on parallel paths,

[00:03:36] then you're on diverging paths. One of the main reasons couples grow apart is they don't have the same intentions, and they're not sharing a dream. Growing Together Instead of Growing Apart What does it really take to keep the spark alive in your relationship? What does it take to ensure that you're growing together and growing closer instead of growing apart? Next to having your needs and relationship requirements met, the foundation for long-term relationship happiness really begins with vision.

[00:04:06] Take inventory of your life and relationship. Look at all the important areas of your life and ask yourself, what's missing? For example, if you had to rate your love life on a scale of 1 through 10, with 1 being couldn't get any worse, to 10 being couldn't get any better, where would your love life be along that spectrum? This is a really important step toward creating your vision, because you need to know where you are now in order to create a path to where you want to be.

[00:04:35] Take responsibility for your part in the relationship. If I wanted more fun, adventure, and passion in my marriage, I had to do my part to cultivate it. I had to be intentional and proactive. It wasn't going to happen by simply wishing it would happen. I needed to get creative and take action. That's not to say that a relationship doesn't take two. If he didn't meet me halfway, then I would have other problems. At the end of the day, happiness is an inside job.

[00:05:01] The truth is, if you're choosing to be with someone who doesn't meet your needs and who doesn't share your vision, then you're not going to feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship, unless you choose to let go of some of those needs that are not being met. But chances are, you have those needs for a reason. You have those needs because they're important to you. To be continued, You just listened to part one of the post titled How to Keep from Growing Apart

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[00:06:35] And a suspenseful note to end part one on. I know, I know, I'm very sorry. All the more reason to come back tomorrow, folks. Now this first part has definitely done a nice job of highlighting the value of personal awareness and feeling whole before entering into a relationship, which of course is of great value and often talked about here on the show by me. This helps us maintain our values and of course keep our future partners as supplements to an already rewarding life as opposed to needing them

[00:07:04] and subconsciously assigning them to fill a void. But even still, there are reasons to be cautious of this idea and we're going to get to them tomorrow, most certainly in the commentary. So be sure to come on back, everyone. And in the meantime, have a great rest of your day. I'm looking forward to seeing you in part two, where your optimal life awaits. So be sure to come back, everyone.