2635: [Part 2] How to Keep From Growing Apart by Melissa Josue on Fulfillment and Emotional Intimacy

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Keep from Growing Apart, Part 2, by Melissa Josu of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com. Get Clear on Your Vision I go deeper into what this means in my free guide, The Smart Girl's Guide to Dating a Divorced Man. But basically, after you take inventory of where you are in all the important areas of your life, the next step is to get clear on what would make your life and relationship deeply fulfilling.

[00:01:28] On that scale of 1-10, what would make it a 10? What is the big dream that you have for your life and relationship? If you don't have kids already, do you dream of being a mom of your own someday? Do you dream of world travel? What would the perfect day look like for you? Where are you living? What are you doing? Who are you with? It's important to visualize and get clear on these things, because as Steele says in his book,

[00:02:01] Find out, as early as you can in your relationship, your significant other's dreams and goals. What does he ultimately want for his career, relationship, family, and all the other important areas of his life? Does he want more kids? Does he want to remarry? What does he want for his future and his family's future? Knowing his vision is crucial to your relationship success, because with that knowledge, you can then determine whether or not your visions are aligned.

[00:02:29] For example, if getting married is part of your dream, but he doesn't want to remarry, that will become an issue in your relationship. Or if you dream of being a mom someday, but he doesn't want any more kids, then it's important for your long-term happiness to know that as soon as possible, before you invest lots of time and energy dating each other. Create a shared vision. This means sitting down, telling your dreams to each other, and creating a shared dream. Where do your dreams align, and where do they differ?

[00:02:58] Look at your individual visions. Can you support his vision? Can he support yours? Is there a way you can merge the two visions and have a unified dream that you both can be excited about? Can you create a shared vision that honors and supports your needs and relationship requirements, and his? If you can't get behind what he really wants for his life and relationship, or if he can't get behind what you really want for yours, or if you're really struggling to create a shared vision, an aligned path,

[00:03:28] it's going to be very difficult for either of you to feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship. Creating a vision is so important because it's about creating a path where you have shared dreams and goals, and so you're working towards something together instead of growing farther apart. Taking time to dream together. I was tired of the rut. Every day seemed like the day before, and I was feeling restless. But you know what? I realized that things stop becoming a grind when you decide to stop seeing it as a grind.

[00:03:58] Things stop becoming a grind when you start becoming intentional in your life and relationship. If I wanted more passion in my life and marriage, I needed to start doing more things that I was passionate about and share that experience with my spouse. That year, we did something different. On our next vacation, we went to a B&B on the Northern California coast, and borrowing a technique from the book Radical Marriage, we decided to do some visioning. Our getaway became a visioning retreat.

[00:04:27] I wrote down my dreams and vision for the important areas of my life. He wrote down his. And we got really honest with each other when we shared them. It was the best thing that we did for our relationship, because for the first time in a long time, we had a really honest discussion about us and what we want for our shared life, what we want for our marriage. We got on the same page. It was incredibly refreshing. It renewed our relationship and brought us closer in a way that I hadn't expected.

[00:04:54] When you're feeling discontent in your life and relationship, pay attention. Discontent is a teacher. Discontent always points to what's missing in your life. Issues that come up in your relationship point to what needs are not being met. Discontent and frustration are powerful teachers, and with the right tools, can guide us to the deeply fulfilling life and relationship that we really want. It begins with listening deeply to our own needs,

[00:05:20] and then stepping into our role as the visionary and powerful creator of our own life. You just listened to part two of the post titled, How to Keep from Growing Apart, by Melissa Josu of melissathelovecoach.com. And a great wrap-up today from Melissa. Thanks so much to her for that. Now, we heard a lot today about what it means to present or merge your vision with that of your partners,

[00:05:48] and also some of the risks involved if you do have different visions or can't compromise. You might know what I'm about to say next if you've listened for a while. Well, visions can change. They often do. And allowing space for that is really important. So with that being said, we need to tread very carefully when considering whether to end a relationship due to the absence of shared values. On the one hand, it's often an extremely wise and healthy reason to end a relationship.

[00:06:18] But on the other hand, maybe one partner doesn't want kids and the other one does. But after a lot of time spent together, the partner who does want kids comes to find that their love for their partner is stronger than their desire to have kids. And the shared vision then becomes about not having kids. Or maybe trying to enter into a discussion about this too early into the relationship, early enough that one partner is uncertain, could lead to a premature decision to break up.

[00:06:44] So the vision and the timing of the vision can and will shapeshift quite a bit. And though it's a wonderful foundation on which to build a relationship, if it's not explored delicately, it can come with some unexpected troubles. Okay, everyone. That's going to do it for today. Thanks a lot for tuning into both parts one and two. I appreciate it as always. Thanks again to Melissa, of course. Have a great rest of your day, everybody. And I will see you back here tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.