2636: Things You Don't Realize You Do When You're Feeling Rejected by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling

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[00:00:30] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Things You Don't Realize You Do When Youre Feeling Rejected by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com

[00:00:58] It's inevitable, isn't it? Feeling rejected or criticized? You may currently be feeling rejected by a romantic partner, although I'm sure you can also relate to feeling rejected or criticized by a friend, mentor, teacher, employer, family member, parent, etc. We're complex creatures, and our emotions, behaviors, and thoughts slash assumptions are extremely personal to us.

[00:01:23] Our reality may be a product of our irrational fears, insecurities, and or ego. Yes. However, that doesn't make our experience of pain any less real. We may go through periods of our life feeling rejected or isolated as if no one truly takes the time to really care. It sucks. I've been there. Sometimes I still go there emotionally with my relationships. It's normal. We're allowed to be sensitive beings, you know.

[00:01:51] All my life I've been told that I am too sensitive, as if my emotional experiences were something to be ashamed of. Maybe I am too sensitive to someone on the outside, but on the inside, I have to be authentic to myself and my own experience. When things affect me, I'm not good at hiding it. In fact, I actually love that about myself now. Sorry, not sorry. We shouldn't have to apologize for our sensitivities.

[00:02:17] However, we should be responsible for trying to be mindful of our reactions and assumptions, as these can often lead us to pushing our partners away, only intensifying our experience of feeling rejected and alone. Relationships are a two-way street, my friend. You cannot speed and drive recklessly while expecting everyone else to abide by the rules. You need to take accountability for the accident without blame and work toward the greater good together.

[00:02:45] The biggest thing that I've learned about my sensitivities is that there is nothing wrong with them, but rather me being unaware of how I was using them to victimize myself was the problem. When I was feeling rejected or criticized, which again was often, I would get so upset internally that my innate reactions would be to either get aggressive and pushy, demanding a resolution to make the panic of abandonment go away,

[00:03:09] or I would shut down immediately and become withdrawn and bitter, only fueling myself with loneliness. In retrospect, I really wanted someone to protect me. Yet, if I were to be honest with myself, I wouldn't let them. Can anyone relate? All too often, I would think to myself, no one understands me and I'm always going to be alone. I had developed a chip on my shoulder that was built up from pain and my experience of feeling rejected.

[00:03:38] I needed desperately to feel validated and accepted, but because of my unprocessed sensitivities and premature reactions, I wasn't ready to take accountability for what I could control to make it better. What I didn't understand at the time was how to be self-aware and acknowledging of how my interpretations were causing certain behaviors that were actually pushing people away from me. This only perpetuated my irrational but very real fear of being rejected.

[00:04:06] I now can use my sensitivities as a way to connect with my partner, rather than making the assumption that he doesn't care, only to push him away at any perceived threat that enters my brain. I often tell my clients, victimization and empowerment are on the same coin. It can be difficult to flip over, but it's not impossible. In fact, it's actually extremely rewarding when you do. This is not to achieve perfection, because there is no such thing,

[00:04:34] but rather make the active steps to be empowered by your sensitivities, but not allow them to cloud your ability to be objective. Here are some things to consider. Without dismissing your experience when you feel rejected or criticized by your partner, just try to take a moment to reflect, and ask yourself the following questions to calm yourself down and gain an objective perspective. 1. What am I feeling? Refrain from going into a narrative here. For example,

[00:05:03] I feel like she doesn't have a clue. As feeling like something is not a feeling. Try to really narrow down core emotions, like I feel hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel sad, or I feel alone. 2. What am I thinking? This is where your narrative may go. I feel like she doesn't have a clue that this bothers me. I try my best and nothing ever seems to satisfy her. I must be the worst boyfriend on the planet.

[00:05:32] 3. How much of what I'm thinking is based on my assumptions? Here is where you try to trick your brain to be objective. Am I really the worst boyfriend ever? Has she ever really said that? Maybe I haven't been clear about what I need from her, and that's why she keeps dismissing me. Maybe she doesn't realize I'm trying my best because I haven't told her. 4. Do my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions align, or do they completely contradict each other?

[00:06:02] 5. For example, when I'm feeling criticized, I shut down and become very quiet. My energy shifts as I attempt to get over it without her knowing she bothered me. I can see that my withdrawn behavior may actually send her another message, possibly that I'm angry at her, which may be making her withdrawn. Or that I really don't care. Both are false. I can see how my assumptions take over to fuel my insecurities, and instead of telling her that she's hurt me, I retract and put my wall up.

[00:06:32] 5. How might you better attempt to communicate your experience without blame or reactivity? By using your check-ins, it's always helpful to address the subject by owning your own experience in a de-escalated way. Like, this may be irrational, but I felt like you were critiquing my attempt at making you dinner again, and that made me upset because I'm really trying to make you happy. I feel like my attempts are rejected by you. You can also take accountability for your behavior.

[00:07:00] Like, I realize I should have told you this right when it happened rather than shutting down and withdrawing for the rest of the evening, as I'm sure that didn't feel very good to you, but I was scared to tell you how I really felt. Obviously, this will have to be a work in progress, but it's some food for thought. Any healthy relationship is based on two people owning their own experiences and being self-aware and vulnerable. It takes two, but it can start with you. It's not about changing yourself.

[00:07:28] It's about learning how to communicate your experience more effectively for the better of your relationship and your own emotional needs, because we all have them. You just listened to the post titled Things You Don't Realize You Do When You're Feeling Rejected by Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com And thanks a lot to Alicia. Definitely a wonderful post that we can all put to use at different times. I really like the opportunities to check in.

[00:07:58] Or the check-in prompts that she provided. And the third one is interesting. That being, how much of what I'm thinking is really based on my assumptions. And she goes through a lot of awesome sub-questions in there too. But one I think that should really be added is, what has my partner or the person I'm feeling rejected by said to me directly? So in an effort to be objective, it can help to reflect on exactly what we've been told instead of letting our minds run wild. Now, certainly we all say things

[00:08:28] that aren't necessarily aligned with what we're feeling. You know, we might speak in the heat of a certain moment, or we might have a different perception of what our words mean than how someone else might perceive them. So this line of questioning is definitely not without its subjectivity either, but it can help when it comes to reflecting on the facts. Not to mention it can get us into the rhythm of thinking about what those other people are feeling instead of just what we're feeling. And of course, this all provides some great conversation points too for when the time does come

[00:08:56] to maybe have a discussion about this. So something to think about, everyone. It's time to get going, but thank you so much for being here and listening all the way through. Thanks again to Alicia for sharing. Have a terrific Wednesday, and I'll see you back here tomorrow for the start of our parenting leg of the week where we cover parenting articles specifically. That's where your optimal life awaits.