2641: Five Common Ways Couples Bicker And Fuss - And Five Strategies to Stop by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Building Trust

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[00:00:58] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. 5 Common Ways Couples Bicker and Fuss. And 5 Strategies to Stop. By Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. We all do it. Fuss. Bicker. Squabble. And we usually do it with the people we literally love the most. It's almost as if you're following a script. You say the same things that you said the last time you bickered.

[00:01:25] You know how long the fight's going to last, who's going to complain about what, and who will do what when it's over. To make matters worse, both of you clam up for the rest of the day, somehow believing that the silent treatment is helpful. It's not. In fact, stonewalling, as it's called, is one of the four harbingers of divorce, according to the excellent research by John and Julie Gottman. The other three are contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. Five common fights and what's underneath them.

[00:01:55] Number one, the who's working harder in the relationship fight. Do you even know what I do all day with these kids? Answered by, and I get up and go to work every day. I haven't had a day off in months. Answered by, I never get a day off. Sound familiar? So, what's underneath this fight? A lack of gratitude and scorekeeping. Neither one of you is expressing gratitude or positive affirmation that what you do, or are, is valuable.

[00:02:24] And there's too much of a scorecard being kept of who's doing what and how much time it takes. Chores that are repetitive and seemingly never-ending, such as weeding the lawn, cooking, or doing the laundry, may be being taken for granted, or the sole work of the stay-at-home parent. Number two, the everything but the kitchen sink fight. And this is just like last year at your dad's when you forgot me and the kids. Quit complaining about it. What's done is done. What do you want me to do?

[00:02:53] What are you really fighting about? Trust and forgiveness. In these fights, effort needs to be made in moving beyond hurt feelings for past grievances so that trust can be rebuilt. This may mean addressing your own prior actions and expressing remorse to your partner, whether the pain was intentional or not. One where both of you may hold a grudge, and old wounds may never quite heal. Trust takes vulnerability, and if you're in self-protective mode, you're far from vulnerable.

[00:03:21] Number three, the if-you-just-be-more-like-me fight. When I'm with the kids, this doesn't happen. I don't see why you have to take all that time to do the simplest of things. This is judgment, or even contempt. Dr. John Gottman, in his excellent research on couples, tells us that contempt is the number one communication quality that kills a relationship. Honoring the differences between you and acknowledging each other's strengths is vital.

[00:03:50] Recognize that you each bring something special and important to the relationship, and this can help each of you grow as individuals. Number four, the you-are-wrong-and-I'm-right fight. That's not what happened. You don't know what you're talking about. Well, you know, the kids see it too. It's a fight about control and power, and each of you are vying for it by denying your partner's perceptions. At its most severe, it's called gaslighting, or grabbing power by involving others.

[00:04:18] An observation over the years has been that people who are truly secure in and of themselves don't have to be right, or prove themselves right, or be in control all of the time. Defensiveness can cover up hurt. The seemingly best defense can mean tearing into the other person. This particular fight is lonely to win, and even lonelier to lose. Number five, the it-sounds-like-I'm-talking-about-me-but-I'm-really-blaming-you fight.

[00:04:45] I learned recently from my friend, Dr. Dina Hijazi, that this fight is termed the U-turn by famous therapist Pia Melody. It sounds like this. I feel that you're picking a fight with me when you complain about my mother. I feel that you really don't care if I come home or not. It sounds like, on the surface at least, that you are talking about you, but you're not. You're angrily telling the other person what you're telling yourself about them. This fight is about the fear of vulnerability.

[00:05:15] What would be healthier? It's hard for me to not become angry when you talk about my mom. I love her, and I love you, so I feel caught in between the two of you. I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling so shaky these days about our relationship, and really about myself. Blame is easy. The second is much, much more vulnerable, and thus, more difficult. Vital Realizations to Stop Bickering 1. Realize these fights will go nowhere, but they're damaging.

[00:05:44] Very damaging. 2. Stop focusing on the other person and control your own words. 3. Recognize you are really arguing about what's underneath. You're fighting about trust, respect, vulnerability, fear, control, lack of gratitude or empathy, or loneliness. 4. Talk about those things when you're not angry. Risk being vulnerable and express what you're truly feeling. Don't be afraid to ask for your partner's help.

[00:06:14] 5. It can be fun to do an exercise with your partner and swap perspectives. You argue your partner's viewpoint, while they argue yours. This way, you'll both hear what you sound like when you listen to your own words, and perhaps gain a deeper understanding of where they're truly coming from. The good news? I would rather have two people in my office bickering, than two people who don't care enough anymore to fight. Your relationship still has passion and intensity, and that can be channeled into healthier directions.

[00:06:47] You just listened to the post titled, 5 Common Ways Couples Bicker and Fuss, and 5 Strategies to Stop, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap. Without actually sleeping.

[00:07:15] Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR, and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. And thanks so much to Dr. Margaret for more great insight, as she always provides. Now, there's an awful lot of power in this article, particularly in her first bullet point of vital realizations to stop bickering, when she says to realize that these fights will go nowhere. And that's really something worth sitting with. Perhaps it's hard to channel amidst the fracas,

[00:07:45] which is even more reason to settle these types of problems when you're not angry, as she also says. But when you're alone, with something on your mind, yet not in the heat of an argument just yet, really reflect on what your objective is. Yes, I know what I want to say, but what do I want to achieve? What's the goal here? Is it a goal that's good for the partnership, or is it just good for me? And if it's good for the partnership,

[00:08:11] how can I present my ideas in such a way that my partner will listen to and respond to favorably, feeling respected and making it easier for us to heal? Having disagreements and arguing often boils down to either trying to win for yourself or trying to win for the relationship. So taking a second to acknowledge the difference can work wonders. That's going to be it for today, though, folks. As always, I'm so glad you joined, and I really hope that you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. It's a very good one,

[00:08:39] so consider how it applies to the many relationships in your life, not just romantic ones. Have a great rest of your day, everybody. Be sure to come on back tomorrow, and I will see you there where your optimal life awaits. Be sure to come on back tomorrow,