2644: Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue? By Dr. Timothy Loving with Luvze on Wedding Advice

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue by Dr. Timothy Loving of Loves.com

[00:00:28] I regularly teach a college course on family relationships, which, as you'd probably guess, is disproportionately and stereotypically more popular among women than men, most of whom incidentally are neither engaged nor in a relationship with their likely future spouse. When we get to the topic of transition to marriage, I like to ask my students, how many of you have a Pinterest board dedicated solely to your future wedding?

[00:00:56] The number of hands that go up, sometimes sheepishly, is surprisingly large. Obviously, this is a non-scientific personal observation from the front of a classroom in Texas. And what I think this informal poll illustrates is the enormous amount of pressure women experience when it comes to planning that special day. And why not? Getting married is a big deal. But all that pressure and buildup can come with a cost.

[00:01:22] In a recent study, researchers interviewed 28 married women and asked them about their weddings and their emotions after their weddings. The women were about 26 years old on average, mostly white, were in their first marriages, and had been married for about half a year at the time of the study. Through intensive interviews and a survey, the researchers identified those women who were more likely to experience sadness or depression following their weddings versus those who were relatively happy.

[00:01:50] They then compared the interview responses of these two groups of freshly minted spouses and found three primary differences between blue, or sad brides, and happy brides. Difference number one, it's all about me. Blue brides, compared to happy brides, were far more likely to view the wedding as my day and all about what they wanted, and were focused on not letting anything stand in their way of getting what they want.

[00:02:18] In fact, some of the blue brides even referred to their guests as intruders, people that were mucking up my day. In contrast, happy brides saw the wedding as a celebration for everyone, and were more concerned for and considerate about the measures others took to be there to celebrate. Happy brides also viewed the wedding as simply a step or formality to getting married. The focus was on life after the wedding. Difference two, what now?

[00:02:47] Blue brides were more uncertain about what life and marriage has in store for them after the wedding, compared to happy brides. Specifically, blue brides were unsure of how they were supposed to behave as a spouse or wife, worried about whether they made a mistake by marrying in the first place, and weren't sure about whether their expectations for married life were realistic. Happy brides did not report such uncertainty. Difference three, the end or the beginning.

[00:03:14] Not surprisingly, blue brides, given their me-focus on the wedding, saw the conclusion of the wedding itself as an ending. Happy brides saw the wedding as the beginning of the rest of their lives with their partners. Thus, blue brides view the end of their weddings as a loss rather than a gain, which is not a particularly promising way to start a marriage. Now, a few caveats are in order. This study involved a very small, convenient sample of recently married women,

[00:03:42] and that sample wasn't ethnically, racially, or geographically diverse in any way. Thus, as with all studies involving small samples, we have to consider the results in light of the specific people interviewed, and recognize a large, more diverse sample would certainly provide a more representative and possibly accurate picture of things. That said, this method of identifying blue versus happy brides, and then comparing their unique experiences,

[00:04:09] is a standard way of exploring new topics to generate new research. Differences one through three outlined previously all have strong intuitive appeal. In other words, there's all sorts of research out there that links those idiosyncratic experiences to sadness and depression. Thus, the results are consistent with what we know about why people may become depressed in general. Of course, as we've mentioned previously, there's very little work on this major life transition.

[00:04:36] So, hopefully studies like this one will spur even more empirical investigation of the topic. Take-home message Now, if you're getting married and want to potentially avoid any post-wedding blues, what should you do? First, talk to your partner about marriage, and be open and honest about your expectations. And if you have doubts now, you might consider why that is, and take the time to figure things out before proceeding.

[00:05:02] Second, all relationships are better when they have the support and involvement of non-problematic others. Celebrate your marriage, but do so with your friends and family. Remember that they will be an important part of your life going forward. And so the wedding really is as much for them to celebrate with you as it is to celebrate you. And your future spouse. Finally, dig deep to determine whether you're most excited about getting married or being married. If the former,

[00:05:32] then you should probably seek professional assistance to begin dealing with the obvious letdown you'll experience once you no longer need that Pinterest board. You just listened to the post titled, Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue, by Dr. Timothy Loving of loves.com. And thanks so much to Dr. Timothy and the team it loves for another fantastic piece. I really love this article,

[00:06:00] though it does sort of come with tough timing, right? You know, ideally we would like to be able to identify and manage these blues before the wedding, like way before. So if you're feeling unsure in any way of whether or not your partner is a right fit or maybe too focused on themselves when it comes to building a future, try to encourage collaboration when it comes to things that mean a lot to them or maybe put them at center stage.

[00:06:26] Ultimately, a wedding is the first of many checkpoints within a relationship in which someone is made to feel as though they're on display. But this type of pattern could easily show up when it comes to having children, choosing a house, choosing schools, etc. So consider how that idea translates into events in your relationship as it is now and how much your partner tries to take over versus how much they want to approach things as a team. You could certainly find some crossover there

[00:06:54] and it's a really good opportunity to deliberately explore how well you two work together, share ideas, celebrate one another's strengths and weaknesses, and so on. A lot more. All important things to consider and things that will surely come up throughout the course of a marriage. So I'll leave it at that for now, everybody. Thank you so much for coming today as always and please do share this episode with someone who you feel would enjoy it. Sharing our show is a great way of keeping it going. And other than that, I'm wishing you a great rest of your day

[00:07:24] and I'll see you tomorrow for the beginning of our parenting light of the week where your optimal life awaits. I'll see you tomorrow for the next week. Stay with me. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. .