2650: Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships by April Eldemire of Gottman on Communicating Openly and Setting Healthy Boundaries

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships by April Eldemire of Gottman.com.

[00:00:53] Recognizing and embracing your partner's enduring vulnerabilities, as well as your own, will strengthen your relationship. In an interview, Dr. John Gottman was once asked what to do about insatiable jealousy in relationships. His response hit on something really profound for me. Quote, I believe that every person has areas of enduring vulnerability. For a marriage to succeed, these vulnerabilities need to be understood and honored. End quote.

[00:01:22] This flips jealousy on its head. Instead of something to avoid in relationships, jealousy becomes an opportunity to connect. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown writes, quote, Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. End quote.

[00:01:48] When you understand why you get jealous, you can manage it in a way that is compassionate and constructive. Recognizing and embracing your partner's enduring vulnerabilities, as well as your own, will strengthen your relationship. Understand Your Triggers Jealousy in a relationship can be more about your own vulnerabilities than about your partner's actions.

[00:02:09] For instance, you may be prone to jealousy if you've had painful experiences in your past. It's important to talk to your partner about these experiences so you can be mindful of each other's triggers and respect them. Jealousy may be driven by low self-esteem or a poor self-image. If you don't feel attractive and confident, it can be hard to truly believe that your partner loves and values you.

[00:02:33] Other times, jealousy can be caused by unrealistic expectations about the relationship. It's not healthy for partners to spend 100% of their time together. In the words of Khalil Gibran, quote, You need spaces in your togetherness to sustain your bond. End quote. Remember that feelings aren't facts. Are you imagining things that aren't really there? I encourage my clients to ask themselves, Is that so? Is it really happening?

[00:03:02] If the answer is no, let go of the negative thoughts. Acknowledge them before consciously dismissing them. Feelings of jealousy can become problematic if they affect your behavior and your feelings toward the relationship as a whole. Here are some signs of unhealthy jealous behaviors. Checking your spouse's phone or email without permission. Insulting your spouse. Assuming that your spouse is not attracted to you. Grilling your spouse on their whereabouts throughout the day.

[00:03:30] And accusing your spouse of lying without evidence. If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, seek to understand the vulnerabilities beneath. If you need a little extra help doing this, I recommend working under the guidance of a Gottman-trained therapist. You can find one in your area on the Gottman Referral Network. Use jealousy for good. Jealousy in a relationship can also be a very real and reasonable reaction to your partner's actions.

[00:04:00] Remember that in a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they're treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They expect their partner to be loyal and honest. If the answer to the question, is that so, is yes, then it's important to tell your partner how you feel before your jealousy turns into resentment. When you bring it up, stick to I statements and avoid saying things like, you always or you never.

[00:04:29] Talk about your feelings about the specific situation and avoid blanket statements about your partner's character. Say what you need, not what you don't need. For example, I feel anxious when I don't know where you are or who you're with when you're out. I need you to text me and let me know. The more you talk, the healthier your relationship will be. Is there a specific relationship that's making you uncomfortable? Are you finding that you're being stonewalled or that your partner's behavior has recently changed?

[00:04:59] You and your partner should be open and upfront with each other about friendships and work relationships. Transparency will help you feel more secure. If you're not sure about boundaries, a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, how would I feel if I heard my partner having this kind of conversation with someone else? If that would hurt, then a boundary is being crossed. Show one another how much you value each other by putting your relationship before your work, your co-workers, and your friends.

[00:05:27] Every time you do this, you build trust. By understanding what's driving your feelings and honoring each other's endearing vulnerabilities, you can use jealousy for good. You just listened to the post titled, Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships? by April Eldemeyer of Gottman.com And thanks so much to April for this post. Definitely provides a lot to think about.

[00:05:54] And one thing that comes to my mind is how we might justify jealous behavior, either because we have to look out for ourselves or because others might indulge in jealous behaviors like the phone or email checking. And while doing this might feel aligned with the idea of taking care of ourselves first and foremost, if we immediately resort to these types of behaviors before making an effort to be vulnerable,

[00:06:20] what we're really doing is isolating ourselves from the relationship from the get-go and choosing not to lean into the element of partnership, frankly out of fear. Maybe something has happened to you in the past that makes this feel necessary, but it's still a step away from union. A union that would otherwise be built upon trust and communication. Even if your suspicions end up being correct after engaging in that jealous behavior, rather than initiating healthy conversation beforehand,

[00:06:50] you've still not done due diligence in the relationship. You know, while it might be great to break off a relationship in which someone was unfaithful, for example, if you're only giving yourself more reason to jump right into jealousy, rather than healthy conversation in your next relationship, you aren't doing yourself any favors. So be careful of not letting your pride take over. Engage in conversations like the one April has suggested, and know that you've put the right effort towards the relationship,

[00:07:19] whether or not it turns out to be a lasting one. Okay, time to wrap things up, everybody. I appreciate you joining as always and making another episode happen. Have a great rest of your day, and be sure to come on back tomorrow where I'll be sharing a post for you from Ira Israel. That's where your optimal life awaits.