2652: My Boyfriend Doesn't Talk to Me Like He Used To by Melissa Josue on Healthy Communication and Respecting Boundaries

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. My boyfriend doesn't talk to me like he used to. By Melissa Josu of melissatelovecoach.com Dear Melissa, Why doesn't my divorced boyfriend communicate with me like he did in the beginning of the relationship? I've been dating my boyfriend for one year and six months. I love him dearly. He's the love of my life. He's 39. I'm 28. He's been divorced for three years, no kids, and no interaction with the ex-wife.

[00:01:29] In the first few months, he was so open with me. He did so many cute things. We checked in with each other all throughout the day. Now, things have changed. He works a lot and has lost three family members in the last year. My boyfriend doesn't communicate with me like he did in the beginning. I have to pull information out of him. A relationship has to have an open communication to work. Maybe all the hours he works now and the deaths in the family are making him shut down. Am I wasting my time in this relationship?

[00:01:59] Or am I just being irrational? Lost without communication. Hi, lost without communication. I hear you. I can see why that would be heartbreaking and frustrating because you feel like he's pulling away. It sounds like your boyfriend has been through a lot in the past year with losing three family members. Without knowing more about his situation, it could be that the loss of those family members has impacted and occupied him so much to the point where he's become emotionally absent from your relationship.

[00:02:27] Maybe he's suffering from depression due to his loss. If someone has experienced significant emotional trauma and they're struggling with how to deal with it, sometimes they'll withdraw from their relationships. He may be working a lot as a way to cope with the losses. Whatever's happening, whether he's struggling with loss or is having mixed feelings about his relationship with you, he's struggling with how to communicate what's really going on for him.

[00:02:51] Communication is a skill, and in order to communicate effectively, he needs to know how to communicate effectively and feel safe making his needs known. But he's got to come to a sense of safety and grow his communication skills on his own terms. He's responsible for reaching out and getting help with those things if and when he wants it. How to Encourage Him to Open Up The best thing that you can do is to communicate and be open with him in the same way that you wish he would communicate with you.

[00:03:21] The way you find out what's going on is to ask him. How he responds or doesn't respond will give you information. Use I language when you ask him, meaning talk about how the issue is making you feel. I miss touching base throughout the day. I miss checking in with each other. Checking in with each other makes me feel connected to you. It means a lot to me. Something like that. Use the words that feel true to you. But avoid you language, such as saying, You don't talk to me anymore.

[00:03:51] Or, you never, dot dot dot. Because people tend to get defensive when they feel they're being accused, and it makes them less likely to be receptive to what you're trying to say. Let him know it's okay to feel sad if that's what he's feeling, and that it's okay to tell you what's going on for him, even if it's not some good news. Your openness invites his openness. If he doesn't know about the issues and concerns that you're facing in the relationship, and issues point to unmet needs and relationship requirements,

[00:04:19] he's not going to have the opportunity to try and meet those needs. So, making your needs and concerns known to him is really important. But also pay attention to how he responds. How he responds to your concerns or doesn't respond to them will tell you a lot about the likelihood of this issue being resolved anytime soon. Don't fall into the rescue trap. If he responds to your concerns with openness, and he shares with you what's going on for him,

[00:04:47] and helps provide an explanation for why it seems like he's less communicative, his desire to open up and reassure you is a good sign that he wants to stay connected. But, if he distances himself from you further, then that makes things more difficult. He may not want or know how to open up. The key thing here is to not get stuck trying to pry him open or try to heal his pain, if that's what he's going through. There's often a big temptation for women to try and be there for their boyfriend by trying to fix his problems.

[00:05:17] We tend to do this out of compassion. But, we also tend to do this out of a deep fear. Fear that the relationship will not survive. Fear that we'll lose our relationship with the person we love if we don't try and fix the situation. But, having a healthy relationship means also knowing where your responsibility is in a relationship, and knowing where it's not. We can't be responsible for our lover's emotional journey, or for his healing, or for his choices.

[00:05:44] Because once we try to control the outcome of his journey, we'll always feel helpless and disempowered in our relationship. And we risk making ourself a wreck over trying to control something we ultimately cannot control. He is the creator of his own experience. In a relationship, it is not our role to fix or rescue each other. Rather, in a healthy relationship, we experience each other, and share in that experience through our self-expression, through being who we are.

[00:06:14] Can this problem be solved? Maybe. I would encourage you to get clear on what need is not being met in your relationship. For example, you mentioned that you missed the kind of communication that you had. What's important to you about that communication? What need was not being met? What do you wish communication in your relationship were like? And then I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart with him to let him know how you feel and why you're concerned. And ask how you could work together to solve it. See how he responds.

[00:06:43] Is he open to working with you on this? If he's unwilling to problem-solve the issues with you together, and that's another problem. Solving relationship issues requires both partners' willingness to work on the problem. If there isn't a willingness from both partners to solve the problem, then the boat doesn't go anywhere. And if it comes to that, then you'll have to decide how you want to handle the unsolvable problem or problems. Whether that means letting the problem go, or moving on from the relationship.

[00:07:16] You just listened to the post titled My Boyfriend Doesn't Talk to Me Like He Used To By Melissa Josu of melissathelovecoach.com Ah, da ist meine Prime-Bestellung. Was? Jetzt schon? Nur eine Sache begeistert so sehr wie die schnelle Lieferung mit Prime. Und zwar das tolle Unterhaltungsangebot von Prime. Was schauen wir uns an? Heads of State, die neue Action-Komödie mit John Cena, Idris Elbert und Priyanka Chopra-Jonas. Sieht mega aus. Schnelle, kostenlose Lieferung, geniale Unterhaltung und mehr gibt's bei Prime.

[00:07:45] Für nur 8,99 Euro pro Monat werde jetzt Prime-Mitglied. Die Inhalte können Werbung enthalten. Fortlaufende Mitgliedschaft. Mehr auf amazon.de slash prime. All right, and many thanks to Melissa for letting us share this Q&A segment. There's a lot of good information here about not forcing others into expression and letting them be on their own path, yet still opening up and providing space for them, which is a really important line to toe and why I'm so glad that Melissa addressed it.

[00:08:13] And when we are trying to encourage an open conversation with someone, it can help to reflect on the times or the types of approaches that have catalyzed their opening up in the past. Unfortunately, however, when we feel circumstances are really dire, as may be the case for the person who sent this question in, we can forget to do that. And out of a sense of urgency, we'll instead try to muscle our way into connection. So it's vital to keep our composure and step into the shoes of our partners.

[00:08:42] What eases them into opening up? What might we suspect is going on and how can we be cognizant of that when reaching out? What's moved the needle for us in the past when we've maybe been holding on to something and lost sight of our own ability to reach out? Remembering these types of questions can be very helpful in the way of not losing our cool or overstepping boundaries. So keep that in mind, folks. It's time for me to get going. But I hope this episode helped you. And of course, I hope that you have a great rest of your day. Stay safe.

[00:09:12] And I hope to see you back here again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.