2657: Restorative Justice in Your Relationship by Keith Wilson on Meaningful Healing and Accountability

[00:00:00] Hey Spotify, it's Dampson Idris here to celebrate Tommy Hilfiger's Apex GP Collection. Angetrieben vom Nervenkitzel der Geschwindigkeit und der Kraft des außergewöhnlichen Styles vereint die Capture Collection von Tommy Hilfiger performance-orientiertes Design mit grenzenlosem Selbstbewusstsein. Das ist mehr als nur ein Look. Es ist die Uniform für alle, die ihre Träume verwirklichen wollen. Discover Tommy Hilfiger's limited edition Apex GP Collection. Inspired by F1 The Movie. Only in cinemas June 25.

[00:00:30] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Restorative Justice in Your Relationship by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com Something called restorative justice is beginning to appear in the court system. It also has a place in personal relationships when there has been an injury and trust needs to be repaired. This is how restorative justice works in the court system.

[00:01:19] A kid gets caught with a can of paint, spraying a swastika on a synagogue parking lot. The congregation is outraged. Intense fears and memories of the Holocaust get activated. The kid appears before a judge and admits he's guilty. The judge could sentence him to jail. But how would that help? In jail, the kid might likely fall in with a gang of skinheads who would further radicalize him, casting him as the victim, not the perpetrator of injustice.

[00:01:45] His schooling would be interrupted, his friendships disrupted, his time wasted, all at great cost to the taxpayers. The congregation might enjoy some small satisfaction that the power of the state is being used to punish the kid, but there would be no true healing, only retribution. The judge might give the kid probation or a suspended sentence and say, don't get in trouble again. Many, including the congregation and the kid, might think that he got off easy.

[00:02:12] Many judges wanting to avoid these unproductive options might send the kid to someone like me to arrange a restorative justice conference. The first time I meet with the kid, I'd check to see if he was ready to take responsibility for his actions. I'd ask him if he could imagine how spray-painting a swastika on a synagogue parking lot might affect the congregation. I would invite him to consider how he could make amends. If he can't do any of these or is not willing to make amends, I'd send him back to the judge.

[00:02:42] If he was able and willing, then next, I would meet with representatives of the congregation. I would tell them about restorative justice. I would ask if they're willing to participate. I'd invite them to consider how the kid could make amends. If they can't deal with meeting him, or if there's nothing he could do to make amends, then I would tell the judge that restorative justice is not right in this case. But, if we have a go on both ends, then we arrange a conference with everyone.

[00:03:10] The kid speaks first, taking responsibility, acknowledging the harm he's done. The congregation then speaks, filling in details the kid might have missed. If the apology is accepted, we move on to construct a plan to make amends. The kid and the representatives work towards an agreement on what he will do to make it right. Maybe he'll scrub the parking lot, rake leaves, speak to the whole congregation, or whatever. A time limit is placed, and everyone shakes hands.

[00:03:36] If the kid follows through with his promises, then the judge dismisses the charges, the congregation forgives him, and everyone moves on. The taxpayers keep their money, the skinheads look out for other recruits, the world is a better place. You can do the same thing in your personal relationships. If you need it, someone like me can help you. You walked in and found your wife with another man. You could pull out a gun and shoot them both, but that would just get you in trouble.

[00:04:03] You could just get a divorce, but how do you get that image out of your head and move on? You could just tell her to not do it again, but that seems too mild. Your wife is remorseful. She's ended the affair. She wants you back. She wants you to forgive her. You need to be able to trust her for any forgiveness to be real. You could have a restorative justice conference. Restorative justice is only possible if your wife is ready to take responsibility for the affair.

[00:04:30] She may want to point out things that you did that made her have an affair, but for restorative justice to work, she will have to lay those points aside so you both can get past the incident. She should be able to say how you might have been affected by seeing her with her lover in your marital bed. She should consider how she could make amends. If she can't do any of these or is not willing to make amends, then skip the restorative justice conference and head right to the divorce attorney.

[00:04:59] Even if she is able and willing, you need to be too. You have to be willing to meet with your estranged wife and work with her to develop a plan for making amends. You have to be open to her repairing things and not be stuck in retaliation mode. If you can't deal with meeting her, or if there's nothing she could do to make amends, then you need a divorce attorney more than a restorative justice conference. But if it's a go on both ends, then you have a conference.

[00:05:26] Your wife speaks first, taking responsibility, acknowledging the harm she's done. Then you speak, filling in details your wife might have missed. If you have questions about the affair, you ask them. If she answers them fully and if the apology is accepted, you move on to construct a plan to make amends. You both work towards an agreement on what your wife will do to make it right. Maybe she'll never talk with him again. Maybe she'll go to therapy and change factors that led to her affair. Maybe she'll paint the bedroom, burn the sheets, and buy a new bed.

[00:05:56] Whatever floats your boat. Coming up with ways to make amends is often the hardest part. Your wife would do well to not agree to tasks that degrade her or that are impossible or vague. She can't promise to never talk to another man. She may promise to love you, but what does that mean? You would do well to make them hard enough to be meaningful and related to the wrongdoing. The best amends are measurable, attainable, and concrete. A time limit is placed and everyone shakes hands.

[00:06:25] If she follows through with her promises, then you let it go. That's your promise. If you still have mistrustful feelings, dismiss them. That's called forgiveness. Everyone moves on. The world is a better place. For you, as a victim, the key to making all this work is knowing what you want for him to make amends.

[00:06:48] You just listened to the post titled Restorative Justice in Your Relationship by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com Ah, da ist meine Prime-Bestellung. Was? Jetzt schon? Nur eine Sache begeistert so sehr wie die schnelle Lieferung mit Prime. Und zwar das tolle Unterhaltungsangebot von Prime. Was schauen wir uns an? Heads of State, die neue Action-Komödie mit John Cena, Idris Elba und Priyanka Chopra-Jonas. Sieht mega aus. Schnelle, kostenlose Lieferung, geniale Unterhaltung und mehr gibt's bei Prime.

[00:07:18] Für nur 8,99 Euro pro Monat werde jetzt Prime-Mitglied. Die Inhalte können Werbung enthalten. Fortlaufende Mitgliedschaft. Mehr auf amazon.de slash Prime. Okay, and thank you to Keith for that piece. Definitely a lot to consider here, much of which could be really difficult to consider. Now I found myself considering how our desperation for amends to be made might play a role in all of this.

[00:07:43] So for example, if we have an over-reliance on our partner for any reason, then we might subconsciously rush through the process of making amends, defending them in ways that are self-destructive and unfair to us, accepting a lukewarm apology and convincing ourselves that it possesses more accountability than it really does, and so on. So for that reason, I would consider taking up Keith's offer in the face of a serious rift like this.

[00:08:12] A third neutral party, a professional, could provide a sense of objectivity or at least centeredness to this ordeal. Looking after your self-care and helping you understand and stay aware of what you need to receive as well as what you need to give in this difficult time. Okay everybody, that's going to bring us to the end for today. Great article from Keith that I hope you all took something from. Be sure to share this episode with somebody who you think might enjoy it. And aside from that, enjoy the rest of your day.

[00:08:41] And I look forward to being back here again with you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.