2987: Five Ways To Be Your Best Self During A Divorce by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Healing Through Divorce

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Five Ways To Be Your Best Self During A Divorce by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com What is a good divorce? I've heard it said that a good divorce is the one that never happens. Of course, that's idealism, not realism. Obviously, many of us do get divorced for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the choice to divorce is mutual. Other times, it very much is not.

[00:00:30] Sometimes, there's emotional manipulation. And sometimes, there's violence. Sometimes, your partner has involved someone else. And sometimes, the pain lies only between the two of you. You may have learned to live with whatever you experienced within that marriage, whatever mess you might have helped to create, and the ending of a relationship that at one time you believed was going to forever be very right. Or you may still be fuming or resentful.

[00:00:54] And what about divorce with kids versus without? They can be very different. Your kids haven't chosen for the two of you to divorce. They may be relieved, or shocked, or confused. So helping them cope can be complicated. Relatives can stay out of things and offer simple support. Far too often, however, they have their own agendas. They're super protective of you or your ex, and they can only see one side of the coin.

[00:01:17] So, do all of these different divorces have something in common? I believe they do. Your divorce will imitate your marriage. Vulnerabilities that affected your marriage will be present, and likely exaggerated, in your divorce. Both your own vulnerabilities and your partner's don't go away when you've ended the partnership. They remain and continue to affect how you interact with each other.

[00:01:43] If control was an issue, it will be in your divorce. If there were secrets, you can expect there to be more. If there was a need to be right, that fight will continue. If there was an intense need for affirmation, then there likely will be another person who comes along and fills that need. That need doesn't go away because of a divorce. In fact, it can intensify. Greed, jealousy, lying, threats, all of them are likely to continue.

[00:02:09] It's not all doom and gloom. If there was mutual respect in the marriage, that respect can peek through the sadness as you proceed to disentangle. If you both took your fair share of responsibility during the marriage, you can continue this, and potentially divorce amicably and without contentiousness. If you lived with some selflessness while together, you can put the kids before yourselves as you part ways, and even the most difficult of situations can be waded through with respect and kindness.

[00:02:38] Often, time helps, and even a friendship can emerge from your former marriage. So, how can you maintain some semblance of your best self during a divorce? 1. Seek objective feedback I know I'm a therapist, and believe it or not, I don't think therapy is the answer to everything.

[00:02:58] But in this case, someone who doesn't know you, your partner, your family, nor your children, can be objective with you about your choices and behavior in ways that a person close to you cannot. A good therapist will support you, give understanding where they can, and gently confront when needed. 2. Look for support from friends who don't vilify your partner. After my second divorce, people at times would tell me, I never knew why you married him anyway.

[00:03:27] I understood that they were trying to give me support for making a tough decision. But I had loved my ex, and he'd been an important part of my life. So, look for people who can be supportive of you, can listen as you cry or get angry, yet don't undercut what was for you an important choice. 3. Choose an attorney whose style fits the kind of divorce you want. Different attorneys are known for different manners of dealing with divorce. Some can get pretty tough.

[00:03:56] Others steer their clients toward a more moderate stance. Ask around. One of the shocking things about a highly conflictual divorce is that the lawyers, the judge, an attorney ad litem, people who you've never known before, their decisions can alter your life. You can feel very lost. The world of interrogations and depositions can be fatiguing. Try to choose an attorney who will effectively and carefully guide you through. 4. Take divorce breaks.

[00:04:24] How's the divorce coming? Can be a tiresome question, although a caring one. Tell friends and family that you need to take a break from it. This doesn't mean denying that you're getting divorced. It means not making it the center of your life. Visit friends that you haven't seen in a while. Go for hikes. Begin a meditation ritual. Get off the emotional roller coaster. An added benefit can be becoming more accustomed to living life on your own.

[00:04:51] 5. Realize and accept that you can learn from your marriage ending. Even a divorce that you desire can be hard. But if you learn from it, it can do you a world of good. Immaturity. Irrationality. Jealousy. Anger. Need. Overfunctioning. Underfunctioning. Whatever was your part of a marriage ending can be addressed honestly. You can benefit. Your children can benefit. And your future can benefit.

[00:05:20] Your divorce doesn't have to define you. Unless you allow it. You just listened to the post titled, 5 Ways to Be Your Best Self During a Divorce. By Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com. Wer UVA sagt, muss auch UVB sagen. EuBos Daily Ray Protect sagt zu beiden Nein.

[00:05:44] Mit LSF 50 Plus bewahrt es ihr Gesicht 365 Tage vor UVA und UVB Strahlung. Beugt wirksam lichtbedingter Hautalterung und Pigmentflecken vor. Der tägliche Begleiter für maximalen Sonnenschutz. Daily Rail Protect in ihrer Apotheke und auf eubos.de And a big thank you to Dr. Margaret for this post today.

[00:06:07] Definitely an article I wish my parents had, as they, like so many others, had a really turbulent divorce that, in my eyes, still lingers with them 15 years later in their own different ways. There were a lot of good points here, especially that note about how the divorce could very well mirror the marriage in terms of what issues are at hand and how they're exacerbated. But I think the most important and all-encompassing note that came from this article was at the very end.

[00:06:35] And that would be about how much you can learn from your divorce. Even if it's a regular breakup with someone you're not married to, or perhaps another type of divorce, like ending a friendship or leaving a job, we always have this opportunity to learn. And when we shift into this mindset, not only do we receive life lessons or become susceptible to receiving them, but we might also retain more optimism about life's so-called dark times.

[00:07:02] The truth is that there is opportunity that comes from these things. And that's not just blind positivity. We always have something to learn if we are willing to explore our struggles. And in doing so, it's much easier to not harbor resentment. And it's easier to see other people's sides. And it's easy to be in a constant state of gratitude. When our egos are running the show, and we're so laced with anger and frustrated about how we've been shorted,

[00:07:32] it's much more difficult to see these types of benefits. So consider what this might look like for you today. Whether you've been divorced from a marriage or something else that you could stand to learn from. Okay, and that is going to bring us to the end of this episode, my friends and listeners. Thank you so much for stopping in and making the time as always. I appreciate it. And we couldn't do this without you. Have a great rest of your day and be sure to come on back tomorrow for another post. Where your optimal life awaits.