2996: How Do I Make Sense of All The Different Dating Advice Out There? by Evan Marc Katz on Trusting Your Judgment

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. How Do I Make Sense of All The Different Dating Advice Out There by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:55] Evan, I've been reading a lot of different dating advice websites, especially the ones written for men. I've noticed a trend in telling men to get the women to chase them. Ask men is one example. I see a lot of advice to women about why men disappear, what to do when they disappear, etc. But it seems like men are being coached to disappear as a power play, a way to get the upper hand and to get the woman to chase them.

[00:01:21] So if women are being coached to play hard to get, and men are playing the same game, what does this mean for the male-female relationship? In this incarnation of my dating life, I've decided that I am not going to chase men. In my younger days, I admit that I did, and no good ever came of it. This time around, I absolutely will not chase men, nor be baited into chasing one. Yes, men are advised to bait, hook, and then ignore a woman to get her to do the chasing.

[00:01:49] By the way, I am not a rules girl. I read that book, and I feel dumber for having read it. I do want a man to pursue me. But when he does, I will be increasingly receptive to him. And once a relationship has been established, I won't mind taking the initiative when appropriate. I won't wait two days to return his calls, or only see him two times a week, or play all the mysterious stuff that rules promotes.

[00:02:12] They call it mysterious, but I call it secretive and evasive. So, while I am not a hardcore rules girl, I am a little old-fashioned, and I want a man to pursue me. Not hand me his business card or expect me to call him. Or email me endlessly on Match.com, but never ask to meet me face-to-face. What do you think of the role reversal being promoted by sites such as AskMen? They call it the system. Do you think many men are following that advice? S.E.

[00:02:42] Oh boy, S.E. I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I'll start with how I give dating advice, and how I think it's different than many other sources out there. Like many people, my perspective has been shaped by my own experience. However, unlike many people, I had a few unique things going for me. One, I come from a happy and highly functional nuclear family. So, I not only had a model of the kind of marriage I wanted, but I strove to emulate it.

[00:03:11] Many people who give advice come from broken homes, abusive relationships, and unfortunate backgrounds, none of which are a crime. But I think my past is a strength, inasmuch as I have a very healthy outlook on marriage. Two, I am, at the risk of immodesty, very confident and flirtatious. Let's just say I had a considerable practice in online dating, dating, and relationships. Many people who give dating advice have been married for 30 years and don't know anything about dating.

[00:03:40] Many others, think of pickup artists, came to do so because they are shy, awkward, and insecure. But unless you want to attract a guy like that, why would you care what such men think? Three, I am married and in an incredible relationship because I followed my own advice. And I would guess that you'd be more interested in how you can understand and land the confident, successful, happily married guy, as opposed to the weak, insecure, jealous, inexperienced guy.

[00:04:07] Then again, I could be wrong. I am always willing to risk being wrong by having opinions. What kind of coach would I be if I didn't have opinions? And four, I am not afraid to stand on principle. Other coaches are marketers. Their only desire is to, A, pray that you like them, and B, convince you to buy their products. My loyalty is not to my own biases or my own bottom line, but to the truth. I don't view the world based on how I would like it to be.

[00:04:33] I pay attention to how it is, and I advise on how you can best react to reality. And very often, reality isn't pretty. Would I rather tell you the truth or validate your worldview so that you don't shoot the messenger? The answer should be obvious. People come here because they expect to be told the truth, rather than some rah-rah, all women are goddesses nonsense that I don't believe, and I don't expect you to believe. Unless you believe the equivalent nonsense that all men are noble studs. Which, of course, they are not.

[00:05:02] Now that I'm done tooting my own horn, let's refocus on the advice that you've chosen to cite from AskMen.com. I just went to Alexa to check out the site's demographics. What did I discover? The target audience for AskMen is men 18-24, men without children, and men who live at home or are in school. When I clicked to see their income, most of these men didn't even have income. Compare that to Esquire readers, the majority of whom make six figures.

[00:05:31] Which kind of man are you looking for, S.E.? Basically, I'm asking you what difference it makes if a website for boys is giving those boys advice that will work on insecure teenage girls with low self-esteem. That's right, it doesn't. Real men don't read AskMen.com. Just as real men don't play games, use power plays, or try to get the woman to chase them. This is run-of-the-mill pickup artist advice for awkward teens.

[00:05:59] It's not advice that 40-year-old men and women are expecting to utilize. From this paragraph, it sounds to me like you know what you're doing. Quote, I do want a man to pursue me, but when he does, I will be increasingly receptive to him. And once a relationship has been established, I won't mind taking the initiative when appropriate. I won't wait two days to return his calls, or only see him two times a week, or play all the mysterious stuff that rules promotes. End quote.

[00:06:27] And if you know what you're doing, it doesn't impact you one iota if some guy is running a game on you. Guys who play games just eliminate themselves from dating confident, secure women. Right, Essie? At the end of the day, whether a man is playing games or a woman is playing games, one thing is for sure. Everybody ends up losing. You just listened to the post titled, How Do I Make Sense of All the Different Dating Advice Out There?

[00:06:57] By Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com And a big thank you to Evan for this one. Now for me, I think a big takeaway from this article that might go unnoticed would be the many phases of dating, or rather our own phases of how we approach dating. If you're able to step outside yourself for a moment, you might consider how you've changed your approach to dating over time, due to age, due to circumstances, the people you meet, etc.

[00:07:26] And this idea can help ground you amidst a lot of contrasting pieces of dating advice. Perhaps what's best to listen to, what you're most drawn to, what you can most realistically expect of yourself and others, is not universal, but rather dependent on the phase that you find yourself or others in. Our approaches to love, dating, romance, marriage, etc. are just as in flux as other parts of our lives.

[00:07:56] So releasing the urge for a singular answer to all of it is a great means of creating more flexibility and openness. Something to keep in mind as we wrap up another episode, my friends. As always, I thank you for being here to make another episode possible. We could not do this without you, so do be sure to share this episode and this show with someone who you think would enjoy it. That's going to do it though, so have a great rest of your day, and I'll talk to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.