3004: The Last Marriage Post You'll Ever Need to Read by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Marriage Foundations

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this yoga nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, the last marriage post you'll ever need to read by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com.

[00:00:54] Around this time last year, in Chicago, we were in the middle of a polar vortex. The thermostat hovered around zero. The schools were frequently closed. It was painful to go outside. And my wife went to New Orleans without me. It was a business trip, and she went out of her way to make some provisions for the kids and me. She even flew in her mother to help with childcare while I was at work. Nevertheless, on the night that the thermostat short-circuited and I discovered dog poop wedged in the couch cushions,

[00:01:23] she sent me a video of her enjoying Bourbon Street. And I got as bitter as the weather outside. When that happens, when I feel like I'm on my own and nobody cares about me, I put a big invisible wall between me and everybody I love. When she returned from New Orleans, I wanted to be good to her. But to be honest, I also didn't want to. So I wasn't.

[00:01:48] The problem is, after a few weeks, I was lonelier than ever, and I just wanted my wife back. I couldn't figure out how to accomplish it, though. I felt like something big needed to change. I felt like something new needed to happen. I got away for an evening to brainstorm ideas, but I couldn't come up with anything. Until I realized. I had fallen prey to three big fallacies about how to make a marriage thrive. Three marriage fallacies.

[00:02:16] Number one. We think the key to a thriving marriage is a mystery. As a marital therapist, couples come to me to save their marriage or make it grow. They think that I hold the answers. They think that they don't know how to do it. Most of us think we have to read a bunch of books or talk to a bunch of counselors to discover the hidden solutions to a marriage. Number two. We believe something new must happen to get a marriage firing on all cylinders. It's a consumer approach to love.

[00:02:45] When it's broken, we shop for something new to fix it. It's a medical approach to love, too. When a marriage is ailing, we try a new medicine to heal it. And number three. We think that the new thing must be big. We think our marriage requires open-heart surgery, not penicillin. Which is why we end up having kids to save the marriage. Or going on expensive vacations to rekindle a cooling love. Or buying a new house. Or orchestrating extravagant dates. Or having big fights.

[00:03:14] When the problem feels insurmountable, we assume the solution must be big as well. Yet, marriages aren't destroyed by a lack of knowledge, lack of innovation, or lack of grandeur. Marriages are destroyed by ego. And it is ego that keeps us from hearing the voice inside. Which is whispering the answers we already know about how to make our marriages come alive. Listening for the real answers.

[00:03:39] On the night I got away to come up with some mysterious, innovative, and grand ways to get my marriage back on track. I sat in a quiet nook and observed my ego doing its thing. It had put up the wall between my wife and I. And now I was trying to take the wall down. My ego was attached to shiny new things. Grand displays. And sophisticated answers and solutions. I watched my ego do its thing. And I realized it was masking the real answers. So, I stopped watching my ego.

[00:04:10] And I began listening for the voice beneath my ego. The voice I call grace. It's the voice inside of me, indeed in all of us, that knows exactly how to love. As I listened, I heard this. You haven't put her first in years. And then I heard four very specific answers. Kiss her on the forehead first thing every morning. Say goodbye to her last before leaving the house each day. Send her one text every day while apart.

[00:04:40] And say hello to her first when you walk in the door at night. The answers were not mysterious, new, and grand. The answers were obvious, old, and small. Obvious, old, and small. Marriages aren't healed with big things. They're healed with small things done every day. They aren't healed by doing new things. They're healed by doing old things we used to do. And quit doing somewhere along the way.

[00:05:04] And if we can set aside our ego for a little while, we don't need anyone to tell us what those things are. We already know. Beneath all of our hiding and pretending and protecting and defending and accusing and criticizing, there is a voice always whispering the answer. Marriage can change on a dime. And that dime is the moment we look past our ego and listen to the voice of grace within us. Marital therapy isn't the place we go to for someone else's answers.

[00:05:34] It's the nook where we get quiet, look past our egos, and listen for the answers already within us. What we hear will be obvious, old, and small. But it will also be unique and specific to who we are and to the love that we share. Because the voice of grace is that good. Find a nook and start listening. Listen for the small things. Listen for the old things. Listen for the obvious things. Become aware of this.

[00:06:02] Your heart is writing its own marriage post every day. Your task is simply to transcribe what you hear onto the pages of your life together. Then you may want to read more marriage posts. But you probably won't need to. You'll be too busy doing the ordinary things that make your marriage an extraordinary thing. You just listened to the post titled, The Last Marriage Post You'll Ever Need to Read by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com

[00:06:32] or The Last Marriage Post You'll Ever Need to Listen to in this case. Thank you so much to Dr. Kelly for this one. Though I certainly hope it's not The Last Marriage Post You'll Ever Need to Read or Listen to. That would surely put us out of business. But the threat of unemployment aside, this post does have a lot to offer in its simplicity. He's pitching an idea to us that's very reliable, yet not complicated, which I might argue is the best kind of idea. However, there is something here that we do really have to watch out for.

[00:07:03] Even if the solution you're after is simple, as laid out by Dr. Kelly today, a grander and more consequential question that comes with it is whether or not you want to do these ordinary things for your partner, whether or not you're inclined to do them. Are you compelled, enthusiastic, excited about returning to these things? Or does the thought of it somehow not sit with you? Does it feel like effort that you don't really want to put forth?

[00:07:31] Should these small, ordinary, simple things not be things that you're willing to do, it's time for some more self-questioning about either your ability to self-express or your willingness to self-express, and how this might be affecting your ability to relate to your partner and yourself altogether. So, sit with this post, everyone, and I hope it does wonders for your relationships. It is time to wrap things up for today, but I'm so glad you stopped in, and I thank you for doing so.

[00:07:59] Enjoy your Wednesday if you're listening in real time, and I'll talk to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits. Do you have any doubts? I don't know. So, I have never done that before. But if you're not, you're not sure... How are you okay if you're doing it? Hopefully you're... Am I not.