3009: The Amazing Value of Self-Compassion and How to Practice It by Ellen Burgan of If It Brings You Joy on Self Kindness

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[00:00:30] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now, on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Amazing Value of Self-Compassion by Ellen Burgan of IfItBringsYouJoy.com

[00:00:58] Do you treat yourself like your best friend or best critic? Are you still beating yourself up for doing that one stupid thing the other day or for not performing perfectly at that meeting last week? What if? What would you say to a friend who is having a bad day? Her frustration was growing as lots of little things were going wrong and she was being hard on herself.

[00:01:20] I bet you'd give her a pep talk, point out to her how her mistake wasn't as grandiose as she is perceiving it to be, or you may even lend a helping hand. What if you'd treat yourself that way? What if you'd say, Self, you did the best you could. What you did was fine and now you know where you can improve. And by the way, you look great today. That is self-compassion, embracing yourself and treating yourself like someone who loves you.

[00:01:48] Not familiar with self-compassion? Compassion itself is defined by Merriam-Webster as sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it. You may offer non-judgment, understanding, and kindness to a person for their mistakes. Self-compassion is acting the same kind of way to yourself. It's taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to be less than perfect.

[00:02:15] Easing your self-judgment is not much different than compassion for others, only it's for you. By kindness toward yourself, I mean talking to yourself like someone who loves you would talk to you. It includes being gentle, supportive, accepting, and understanding, even when you make mistakes. A tool to combat beating yourself up. Do you scrutinize yourself for your performance in various areas of your life?

[00:02:40] Negative self-talk is a common form of beating yourself up, and it causes huge damage to yourself. This form of self-criticism is linked to procrastination, feelings of failure, depression, and overall dissatisfaction with life. Being compassionate with yourself is one of the best things you can do to stop that self-destructive negative self-talk. Having self-compassion is a really important tool.

[00:03:07] It's especially helpful for times of high levels of stress, anxiety, and frustration. Have you ever thought something about yourself, and then after ruminating about it for a while, the issue at hand goes from a 1 to a 10? Instead of being your own best critic, a little self-compassion with some kind, understanding, gentle talk can calm your thoughts and help you realize you're being hard on yourself. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to a good friend. Self-compassion doesn't mean ignoring your feelings.

[00:03:36] It actually helps you process your feelings. But instead of beating yourself up, you stop and think, How can I be gentle with myself? What would I say and do if I was being gentle with myself? Being compassionate with yourself will help you appreciate that even though you had a difficult experience, you'll get through it. What does research say? Research has consistently shown a positive correlation between self-compassion and psychological well-being.

[00:04:05] People who practice self-compassion have increased happiness and optimism, less fear about failure, and less depression and anxiety. One research experiment compared groups of people who did poorly on a test. The group who practiced self-compassion for just 3 minutes were Less worried about their weaknesses, Reported more motivation to avoid repeating mistakes, And they were more willing to change the things around their mistakes.

[00:04:31] So, self-compassion can motivate you to improve. You'll be more likely to believe you can improve, correct your mistakes, and get back on track with your goals. That certainty will bring you joy. Three ways to practice self-compassion For me, practicing self-compassion is all about gratitude, forgiveness, and love. And I'm not talking about for others. It's about doing these things for yourself. Number one, gratitude or acknowledging.

[00:05:01] We tend to be good at being grateful for others. But being grateful and acknowledging ourselves can be a whole different ballgame. Do you empower yourself by taking time to acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, and actions that help you move forward in life? Acknowledging yourself is simple, and it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. It's sort of like giving yourself a pat on the back. It's taking just a moment to stop and consciously recognize yourself for taking any step outside of your comfort zone.

[00:05:29] It doesn't matter if that step was done well or not. The point is you acknowledge that you're good enough as you are right now. Number two, forgiveness. So much is known about the healing power of forgiveness. Yet, why is it so difficult to forgive ourselves? Self-forgiveness is about embracing every part of yourself, both strengths and flaws. Mistakes are a part of life, and it's okay to make them.

[00:05:56] For example, let's say you procrastinated and then found yourself scrambling at the last minute. Research has found that beating yourself up only makes things worse, but self-forgiveness is useful. You're much better off to forgive yourself for not preparing well enough for that speech, meeting, or test that you bombed. It's okay to make mistakes. You're not the only person who has struggled with any given experience, and nobody is perfect. You're human. All you can do is the best you can do.

[00:06:25] Forgive yourself when you don't do something perfectly. You'll be better positioned to do better the next time. Number three, love. Here again, I'll refer to my friend Merriam Webster, who defines self-love as an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue. You know that person who thinks overly highly of themselves and that they're better than others? That's called a big ego, at best. Not self-love. I like this definition of self-love. Quote,

[00:06:55] Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve. End quote. That's by Dr. Andrea Brandt. When you practice self-love, you're continually being aware of every aspect of yourself, even the not-so-good parts. And you love them all. Oh, no time to practice this one?

[00:07:22] What if, by first loving yourself, you'll be better able to love other people? That's right. Loving yourself extends to your family and friends. See yourself through kinder eyes. Notice something you don't like about yourself? Going through a difficult time? Be kind to yourself. If you make a mistake, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Know that you're doing the best you can and give yourself a break when you mess up. You might be surprised how much more calm and peaceful you can be.

[00:07:51] If you've denied yourself compassion for years, it will take time for you to become aware of exactly how you're treating yourself. Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself like your own best friend. Every time you're feeling down about yourself, practice self-compassion. You just listened to the post titled, The Amazing Value of Self-Compassion by Ellen Bergen of ifitbringsyoujoy.com.

[00:08:19] And a great post today from Ellen about the value of self-compassion. I really appreciate the studies that she referenced to illustrate her points today. You know, for many who regularly read about self-development, we may hear this a lot. For those who are more distant from it, the idea of injecting self-compassion into their routines regularly might seem extremely foreign and not as effective as, you know, being hard on oneself for the sake of learning. So I would like to propose a hybrid, honoring both schools of thought,

[00:08:49] which I often try to do in my own life. So what that means is to integrate self-compassion whenever possible, forgiving oneself and being kind to oneself in the face of errors. And it also means acknowledging them as learning experiences and seeking to do better and improve upon these things next time around, as opposed to giving yourself a free pass. So you see, there's a bit of both. Of course, this will depend on how much you care about each individual error you make.

[00:09:16] But the idea is to be kind to yourself, yet not so coddling as to ignore the ways in which you could be doing better, particularly if other people are involved who are impacted by your actions. That's going to wrap us up for today, though, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode, an episode from which I hope you took something as I did. We will be back for more tomorrow, as usual, so don't miss out. That's where your optimal life awaits.