3011: [Part 1] Stop Worrying About What Others Think of You: 7 Tips for Feeling Better by Marc Chernoff on Overcoming Social Anxiety

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[00:00:30] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:56] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Stop worrying about what others think of you. 7 Tips for Feeling Better. Part 1. By Mark Chernoff of markandangel.com. In what way is the fear of rejection holding you back? How would your life be different if you didn't subconsciously care what everyone thought about you? To answer these questions, we must understand that the vast majority of our fears and anxieties amount to one thing. Loss.

[00:01:26] We fear losing our youth, losing our social status, losing our money, losing control, losing our comfort, losing our life. We also fear, perhaps more than anything else, being rejected by others. This kind of fear is widespread and debilitating if left unaddressed. Why is this fear so deeply entrenched in us? In ancient tribal times, being rejected from the safety of the community could have meant death.

[00:01:54] So, it's no wonder, really, that we want to be accepted by others. Fear is an instinctual human emotion designed to keep us aware and safe, like the headlights on a car, clearly illuminating the twists and turns on the road ahead. But too much fear, like high beams blinding us on a dark foggy road, can cause the loss of the very thing we feared losing in the first place. This is especially true when it comes to our fear of rejection. Let me give you an example from my own life.

[00:02:21] When I was a teenager, I was always the outcast, trying desperately to fit in with my peers. I bounced around to three different schools and various social circles in each school within a four-year time span. And I faced rejection after rejection. I can distinctly remember shooting hoops on the basketball court by myself on numerous occasions. Always the new kid. Always longing for acceptance.

[00:02:46] For the longest time, I thought these childhood outcast experiences were the root cause of my obsessive, people-pleasing ways in my adulthood. In my 20s, I was always looking for signs that others didn't like me. I would seek reassurance, always wondering what people really thought of me. Do you look for acceptance and reassurance from others too? If so, you now know you're not alone. And what I've learned over the years is this.

[00:03:12] Constantly seeking acceptance and reassurance from other people is a dead-end journey. These things can only be found within you, not from others. Because any look, word, or reaction from someone else can be warped and misinterpreted. In this post, I want to share some tips that helped me feel self-assured. And eventually allowed me to overcome my fear of rejection and my relentless tendency to worry about what everyone thought of me. 1. Realize that fear itself is the real enemy

[00:03:41] Franklin D. Roosevelt so profoundly said, The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Nothing could be closer to the truth. This is especially true as it relates to self-fulfilling prophecies. A self-fulfilling prophecy is a false belief about a situation that motivates the person with the belief to take actions that cause the belief to come true. This kind of thinking often kills opportunities and tears relationships apart.

[00:04:08] For instance, you might wrongly believe that a group of people will reject you. So, you become defensive, anxious, and perhaps even hostile with them. Eventually, your behavior brings about the feared rejection, which wasn't there to begin with. And then you, the prophet, feels that you were right from the very beginning. I knew they didn't like me. Do you see how this works? Look carefully at your own tendencies. How do your fears and beliefs about possible rejection influence your behavior toward others?

[00:04:38] Take a stand. Instead of letting fear show you what might be wrong in your relationships, start looking for signs of what might be right. 2. Let go of your end-of-the-world thinking All variations of fear, including the fear of rejection, thrive on end-of-the-world thinking. In other words, our emotions convince us that an undesirable outcome results in annihilation. What if they don't like me? What if he rejects me?

[00:05:05] What if I don't fit in and I'm left sitting alone at the party? None of these things result in the end of the world. But if we convince ourselves that they do, we will irrationally fear these outcomes and give our fears control over us. The truth is, we human beings are inefficient at accurately predicting how future misfortune will make us feel. In fact, most of the time, we avoid consciously thinking about it altogether, which only perpetuates our subconscious fears. So ask yourself,

[00:05:35] if disaster should strike and my fear of being rejected comes true, what are three constructive ways I could cope and move forward with my life? Sit down and tell yourself a story. Write it down too, if it helps. About how you will feel after rejection. How you will allow yourself to be upset for a short while. And then how you will begin the process of growing from the experience and moving on. Just doing this exercise will help you feel less fear around the possibility of rejection.

[00:06:05] 3. Question what rejection really means If a person discovers a 200-carat white diamond in the earth, but, due to ignorance, believes it to be worthless, and thus tosses it aside, does this tell us more about the diamond or the person? Along the same lines, when one person rejects another, it reveals a lot more about the rejecter than the rejected. All you are really seeing is the often short-sighted opinion of one person. Consider the following.

[00:06:34] If J.K. Rowling stopped after being rejected by multiple publishers for years, there would be no Harry Potter. If Howard Schultz gave up after being turned down by banks 200-plus times, there would be no Starbucks. If Walt Disney quit too soon after his theme park concept was trashed by 300-plus investors, there would be no Disney World. One thing is for sure. If you give too much power to the opinions of others, you will become their prisoner.

[00:07:02] So never let someone's opinion alter your reality. Never sacrifice who you are or who you aspire to be just because someone else has a problem with it. Love who you are, inside and out, and keep pushing forward. No one else has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power. And when someone rejects you, don't inevitably feel it's because you're unworthy or unlovable. Because in many ways, all they've really done is give you feedback about their own short-sightedness.

[00:07:33] To be continued. You just listened to part one of the post titled, Stop Worrying About What Others Think of You, Seven Tips for Feeling Better, by Mark Chernoff of markandangel.com. And a big thanks to Mark for a great first part of this post. There's a lot more to come in tomorrow's continuation, of course. But, so far, it's got me thinking a lot about the lost opportunity

[00:08:00] that comes with the worry we have over what others think of us. Now, certainly you could look to examples of professional opportunity, like Mark discussed towards the end there. And there are other celebrities and high achievers that he left off that list, mind you. But what about social opportunity? When we worry what others think of us, we box ourselves up a bit, don't we? We might veer more towards those who we feel we can create an acceptable presentation for, as opposed to those who we might actually have more in common with.

[00:08:30] So, we do risk the development of strong interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships in this way. You know, if we're operating in social survival mode, as it were. And over time, this really stands to change the complexion of our entire identity, should we make a habit out of it. It's really worth thinking about, not just for yourself, but certainly if you have a child as well, and you see them sort of fitting the mold of those around them

[00:08:56] as a means of coping with those types of fears that Mark mentioned in the beginning. So, think on that, folks. It's time to wrap up for today. I'm really enjoying this post so far, and I can't wait to share the rest of it with you tomorrow. So, be sure to tune in again tomorrow for that. That's where your optimal life awaits. Let's see. Let's see. Thank you.